Manuel Unveils Rippling Pecs, Rock-Hard Abs
June 2, 2009 –
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel yesterday stunned gathered onlookers when he tore off his jersey to reveal a chiseled set of rippling pecs, rock-solid abs, and bulging triceps. “I feel really good,” said the shirtless skipper in Petco Field’s visitors’ clubhouse, grinning as he made his pectoral muscles bounce impressively. “I just got tired of not being in shape, of not feeling good. So I worked hard, and kept at it, and I’m real jacked now. And that’s good.”
 Manuel’s players were dazzled by his shockingly cut physique. “I don’t think it’s any secret that Charlie was maybe a little bit dumpy before,” chuckled first baseman Ryan Howard, his eyes wide as the skipper flexed his beefy, well-tanned arms. “But he’s definitely not dumpy anymore, man. Dag, look at those glutes!” Pitcher Brett Myers was equally surprised by the transformation. “Charlie used to look like the goddamn Grimace guy, you remember that guy?” he asked, referring to the purple, pear-shaped McDonaldland denizen. “But shit, man—he could probably tear a fuckin’ phone book in half now.”
Indeed he could. “It’s nice to feel healthy, and feel real good, too,” he said, grunting as he ripped through a five-inch-thick copy of the San Diego County White Pages. “And Missy sure does like it, too; she thinks it’s real good.” Missy Martin, Manuel’s fiancée, wholeheartedly concurred. “He used to weigh 275 [pounds], and most of it was blubber,” she laughed by telephone from Florida. “But he’s down to 220 now; like a slab of solid marble. That’s Charlie for you—full of surprises.” |
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‘80s Sports Heartthrobs Memorialize Zezel
June 2, 2009 –
An impressive gathering of ‘80s sports heartthrobs on Friday gathered in Philadelphia to memorialize ex-Flyer Peter Zezel—the popular center whose death at 44 last week stunned the Reagan-era athletic-beefcake community. “Pete will be missed,” smiled ex-Dodger second baseman Steve Sax, to a gathering of aging sports studs at the Center City Marriot. “From his shirtless appearance in Youngblood to his gorgeous head of hair, he was truly one of us.”
Other fading dreamboats offered similar words. “I remember one time, I wound up next to Pete on a flight to Chicago,” grinned mulleted Jets legend Mark Gastineau, who in 1988 left his wife for Red Sonja star Brigitte Nielsen. “I won’t get into specifics… but let’s just say that a few of those stewardesses didn’t make their connecting flights.” According to former Met icon Keith Hernandez, “You know, there was a heck of a lot more to Pete than a flashy smile and a knotted teal sweater,” he said, smoothing his lustrous mustache in appreciation. “He also had great taste in shoes.”
Philadelphia Inquirer sports columnist Phil Sheridan, who covered the 141-heartthrob remembrance, was moved by the outpouring of feeling for the Chippendales-ready Zezel. “You know, people look at these guys— the Wade Boggses, the Bjorn Borgs, the Alberto Tombas—and they remember the Corvettes, the shades, the women,” he said. “But these guys go a lot deeper than great teeth and one-night stands with Kelly LeBrock, they really do.” Renowned cocksman Steve Garvey agreed. “Peter, if you can hear me up there, I want you to know that we’re all thinking of you right now,” he said, raising his glass. “This rum-and-Tab? This rum-and-Tab is for you, buddy.” |
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