Thousands Die Happily
October 28, 2008 –
Thousands of elderly Phillies fans died happily this morning, following the team’s stunning five-game World Series victory over the Tampa Bay Rays. “Dad always said he’d die a happy man if the Phils won the Series,” recalled Keith Knightley, 49, of Mayfair, as he gestured to his dead father, smiling beatifically on the couch, a rally towel still clutched in his hand. “Right after the third out, I was jumping around, screaming with my son… I look down, and there’s Dad—checked out, just as promised.”
 Local officials reported a swath of similar deaths—all occurring at 9:58 PM, when Brad Lidge got the final out of the Series, setting off a raucous, citywide celebration. “A similar event swept Boston in 2004 [when the Red Sox ended an 86-year title drought], and in Chicago, they had prepared for one for Cubs fans this year,” said city coroner James Hatwell as grinning, red-clad bodies were being wheeled past him. “A 25-year drought [since any Philadelphia championship] is plenty to cause this kind of phenomenon.” Tina McCormick, 50, of Pennsport, seemed conflicted by the Phillies-caused death of her mother. “There’s no bigger Phils fan than my mom,” she said, sitting next to her contented-looking, propped-up mother—still wearing a faded maroon cap and Dave Cash jersey. “I wish she didn’t have to go—but I understand.”
Members of the team, meanwhile, were touched that they had led to the happy deaths of so many. “It just goes to show how dedicated people are in this town,” said shortstop Jimmy Rollins after the game, nodding towards the hundreds of motionless bodies that dotted the stands. “You don’t want to be responsible for anybody dying—but to do it like this, it actually feels kind of good.” Knightley, for one, harbored no ill will. “I think Dad had at least ten, fifteen more years in him,” he said, shaking his head in wonderment. “But I guess he figured, what the hell—what better time than now?”
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