2nd Grader’s Marijuana Ridiculed as Low-Grade
October 7, 2008 –
Philadelphia School District officials are expressing incredulity following last week's discovery of marijuana on a Harrington Avery D School 2nd grader–calling the pot "pathetically low-grade." "It's bad enough that a child his age would bring drugs to school," said district spokesman Fernando Gallard. "But even worse, what he had was the absolute schwag. Honestly–is this the best our kids can do?"
 Lt. Jack Wilhelm of Southwest Detectives laid the blame squarely at the feet of the boy's father. "We searched the father's home, and, unfortunately, turned up even more barely-smokable dirt," he said, holding up a seized bag of stems and seeds. "Parents need to convey to their kids that, when it comes to weed, there's no substitute for quality." According to the student's teacher, Pamela Orner, "Since the school year began, I've been worried that he might not have access to any kush at all. Unfortunately, last Tuesday, my worst fears were realized."
Mayor Michael Nutter, meanwhile, called for a vast effort to educate children's parents about the importance of genuinely dank nuggets. "These kids are our next-generation bong-packers, blunt-rollers, and joint-blazers," he said at an afternoon news conference. "They must learn that the mersh will lead only to hacking coughs, sore throats, and headaches. It's up to the parents to teach them." Orner, however, sounded an optimistic note. "[The student] has been back for a few days, and I think he understands his error," she said. "Let's just hope that next time, there's a nice, sticky bud in his backpack."
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