Economy Won’t Hinder City Improvements, Vows Nutter
September 30, 2008 –
According to Mayor Michael Nutter, the dire financial circumstances sweeping the nation in recent weeks will have little to no effect on the myriad improvements planned for the city. "When I ran for mayor, I promised to add to our police force," he said at a press conference yesterday afternoon, motioning to an elderly man slumped in a nearby folding chair. "Well, Philadelphia, here he is. Meet Jerry."
 The one-man addition to the force, however, was not the only upgrade announced by the mayor. "Some say we may have to scrap planned tax cuts in light of the [government] bailout–but that doesn't have to be the case," he said, digging through his wallet before producing a ragged $5 bill, which he smoothed out on the podium. "See–and this is just to start," he said, smiling down at the bill, before shaking his wallet playfully and adding, "There's plenty more where that came from."
Area economists, though, were unimpressed by the severely-downgraded improvements. "These are tough times, and there must be some serious belt-tightening–but we need more than one old cop and 5 measly bucks," said Econsult's Stephen Mullin. "No disrespect to Jerry, of course." Nutter, for his part, seemed to feel that such stopgap measures would suffice. "A recent report said that the predicted cold winter and record-high gas prices will leave thousands [of Philadelphians] without heat," he said, rummaging through a bag before holding up a worn UPenn sweatshirt. "But this should take care of that. Cheer up, Philly. The future looks bright!"
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