Phila. Vows to Reclaim “Fattest City” Label
August 26, 2008 –
Local officials yesterday announced an initiative to reclaim Philadelphia's lost title of "America’s fattest city"–a label now held by Las Vegas, NV. "Being fat is something we were great at until fairly recently [in 2000]–and I think we can be great at it again," said Mayor Michael Nutter as he dipped a spoonful of fluffernutter into a bag of M&Ms. "So we're asking everyone to increase their snacking and consumption of greasy foods. Every Milk Dud and onion ring counts."
 Area gluttons, perhaps unsurprisingly, were eager to boost the city's annual ranking in next February's Men's Fitness. "Oh, yeah, I'll do my part, believe you me," said the 230-lb. Eddie Marshall, 34, as he bit into a chili-cheese dog at a Center City lunch cart. "'Cause, y'know, I'm all about the civic pride." 310-lb. Jack Rhoden, inhaling a double cheeseburger at a Fern Rock Checkers, agreed. "It's a goddamn shame we let a place like Vegas take our crown," he said, mustard and relish oozing down his double chin. "But that'll come to an end if I have anything to do with it." He paused for a moment, struggling to swallow, before pumping his fist triumphantly. "Phil-ly! Phil-ly!"
Area health advocates, meanwhile, were disturbed by Philadelphians' zest to reclaim the dubious ranking. "It's amazing that people still don't fully grasp the risks of poor diet and overeating," said Wendy Cochrane of HealthyPhilly.org. "But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, this is the home of scrapple, cheesesteaks, and the Wing Bowl." Nutter, speaking through a mouthful of BBQ pork rinds, dismissed Cochrane's naysaying. "Anything that can get Philadelphia united in common cause is a positive in my book," he said, reaching for a carton of Tastykakes. "And if there's one thing this town wants more than anything, it's a championship. Any kind will do."
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