Report: Tourists Are Idiots
August 5, 2008 –
A report issued yesterday by Temple University researchers has confirmed what many Philadelphians have long suspected: that a vast majority of the thousands who visit the city every year are flat-out idiots. "We began our research in 2003, and we were quite thorough in our methodology," said the study's lead author, sociologist Andrea Banks. "But even we were surprised by the depth of the idiocy–the intelligent tourists were outnumbered by a factor of almost 3 to 1."
The 322-page report highlighted many of the most egregious examples of visitor cretinism, including:
• Waiting hours in line in extreme heat/cold for mediocre cheesesteaks
• Waiting hours in line to view Liberty Bell when it's clearly visible from Chestnut St.
• Staying strictly tethered to six-square-block historical area radius
• Causing gridlock with overpriced carriage rides
• Answering cell phones during "Once Upon a Nation" stories
• Wearing out-of-town jerseys to local sporting events
• Choosing bland chain restaurants over excellent local eateries
• Riding the Ducks
 Residents hailed the bold new study. "I don't know how many times I've almost been pushed into traffic by some bovine family waddling down the street with their duck beaks and souvenir flags," fumed Whitney Hoffman, 33, of Old City. "It's nice to have a report that proves what I've always thought." Warren Johns, 56, of Society Hill, agreed. "Just the other day, I gave a bunch of [tourists] directions to what they called 'Independent Hall'–and they were standing right next to it," he sighed. "I didn't need a five-year study to tell me they were morons, but it's still reassuring."
City officials, meanwhile, were reluctant to endorse the report's brutally honest findings. "I haven't had a chance to look at it yet," said Finance Director Rob Dubow. "But tourism is a big part of our local economy, and I wouldn't want to alienate any of our guests. Even if they do go to the Olive Garden for dinner."
|
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
