Fitler Sq. Cited For Coddled-Child Infestation
April 28, 2009 –
City health inspectors yesterday ordered the temporary closing of Center City’s Fitler Square, citing an infestation of over-coddled infants and toddlers. “Their numbers have been rising for years, but only recently has it reached a critical mass,” said Ellis Graham of the Philadelphia Health Department, standing safely across the street as parents fussed over their apple-cheeked offspring. “So tomorrow morning, we’ll cordon off the area, lay down some chemicals, and hopefully shrink the colony to a manageable size.”
 Health Department associate Matthew Higgins, 35, walked nervously through the western half of the Lombard St. park, careful to avoid the swarming, designer-clad tots. “Used to be, there were only one or two of them, and it wasn’t really an issue,” he said. “But now? You can’t walk three feet without stepping on somebody’s chalk drawing.” He sighed as he pointed to a bench full of chattering mommies, all clutching baggies of organic baby carrots and PVC-free sippy cups. “Had we had the foresight to get rid of the queens a few years ago, we wouldn’t have had this problem.”
One of the adorable pests, perhaps sensing the impending extermination effort, communicated through a series of desperate, high-pitched squeals. “After we go to the park, we going to Mawathon Gwill for gwill cheese,” it said, displaying a row of sharp, tiny teeth. “Denn mommy take me shopping fow toys!” Such troublesome noises made Graham hope that the department’s actions would indeed be effective. “If it doesn’t work, I really don’t know what we’re going to do,” he said worriedly, watching as a mother rushed to keep her offspring from touching a stick. “We might just have to surrender the place once and for all.”
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