Realtors Unveil Latest Bullshit Neighborhood
February 17, 2009 –
Local realtors yesterday unveiled their latest bullshit neighborhood: a nine-square-block region, carved out of North Philadelphia’s Badlands, renamed Northern Northern Northern Liberties. “With its twenty minutes or so of history, NoNoNoLibs is poised to become Philadelphia’s hottest new neighborhood,” beamed Prudential, Fox & Roach’s Mike McCann, speaking to gathered reporters, prospective residents, and a disoriented prostitute. “Watch out, Southeastern Queen Village.”
 Potential NoNoNoLibbers were intrigued by the possibilities of the delightfully rebranded area. “My husband and I are looking for a nice place to raise a family,” said Bridesburg’s Rhena Wood, 29, scanning the hip new district’s excitingly weed-filled lots and bustling drug trade. “ ‘The Badlands’ sounded a little sketchy, but Northern Northern Northern Liberties? It’s practically Northern Liberties.” Mark Whipple, 34, of Havertown, agreed. “I’m looking to move back into the city, and NoNoNoLibs has a lot of the conveniences that I’m missing in the suburbs. It’s just a 75-minute walk from Center City, and MapQuest says it’s only 3.4 miles from the nearest supermarket.”
Such enthusiasm was encouraging to Cathy Conway, also of Prudential, Fox & Roach. “The [real-estate] market is relatively stable in Philadelphia, and up-and-coming areas like Northern Northern Northern Liberties offer real opportunity for growth,” she said, discreetly kicking a crack vial into a fetid open manhole. “I think NoNoNoLibs will really give East Old City and Not Point Breeze a real run for their money.” McCann agreed. “This really is one of the most exciting areas of the city,” he said, sitting uneasily on the rusting body of a stripped-clean Nissan. “My only regret is that we didn’t rename the damn thing sooner.”
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