Penn’s Landing Project on Track For 4014 Completion
February 10, 2009 –
Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday renewed his commitment to redeveloping Penn’s Landing, insisting that the costly project would be ready in time for the Interplanetary Synod of 4014. “Certainly, some people may look at Philadelphia’s finances and think, ‘This will never get done’,” conceded Nutter at a midday news conference. “But when my cryrogenically-preserved cranium is reattached to my torso, two millennia from now, we’ll see who gets the last laugh.”
 Deputy Mayor Andrew Altman, head of the newly-created Delaware
River Waterfront Corp.—whose mission is to improve and unify a 7-mile
stretch along the river—announced add-ons to the plan for future, possibly part-reptilian, city residents to enjoy. “In addition to burying 95 and extending the street grid, there will be an oxygen park—for both ambulatory humanoids and disabled Mote War veterans,” he said. “Obviously, there will also be a thermoplastic sky-shield, to block the four suns’ deadly rays.”
Critics, though, remained skeptical of the project’s ambitious timetable. “With its Soylent Green cafés, methane-mask kiosks, and Museum of Trees, it’s a great plan,” said Inga Saffron of the Philadelphia Inquirer. “It just seems to me that, even with future funding from our alien overlords, 4014 seems extremely optimistic.” Nutter, however, looked to dispel such claims. “I’m confident that, despite our current fiscal issues, Philadelphia will eventually have a waterfront to rival those in Baltimore, Seattle, and Rebulax VII,” he said. “Even if that ‘water’ will be a toxic blend of bromine and phosphorus pentasulfide.”
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