Jefferson Hospital for Neuroscience Regretting Hiring Zombie Doctors
September 2, 2008 –
Officials at Thomas Jefferson Hospital for Neuroscience yesterday conceded that they had badly erred in hiring a team of six lurching, zombie brain surgeons late last month. "In retrospect, hiring zombies to care for patients' brains was not a wise decision," whispered Dr. Henry Goldberger, watching in horror as two of the zombies feasted on a female patient's brain at the other end of a blood-spattered hallway. "It's going to take quite a while to earn back our patients' trust, that's for sure."
 Other doctors at the Center City hospital were similarly displeased with the murderous new hires. "I was doing a pre-op with one of them on a young man, and out of nowhere, [the zombie] tore through the man's occipital bone and just started... eating," wept Dr. Harriet Royster from within her barricaded office, the fluorescent light flickering overhead. "Over the years, I've seen doctors do quite a few questionable things... but brain-eating is a first. Oh, God, I can still hear the chewing." Head Surgeon Luke Austin took a slightly different view. "YOU WANT ME YOU FUCKING ZOMBIES?" he screamed insanely, revving a bone saw in the hospital's eerily still locker room. "COME AND GET ME! YOU COME AND FUCKING GET ME! HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"
The rotting, dirt-caked physicians, meanwhile, seemed to be enjoying their time at Jefferson. "Braaaaaainnnnssss..." slurred one as she greedily scooped gray matter from a still-twitching patient's gore-caked cranium. "Braaaaaainnnnssss..." Goldberger, though, hoped that the zombie doctors would soon move on. "At this point, I don't care if they go across the street to one of the other buildings; I just want them to go," he said, gasping as the zombies spotted him from down the hall. "Oh... oh Jesus Christ, they're coming–they're coming this way! RUN!!!"
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