The Philadelphia Turkey - News Youse Can Use

“Kidnap Hoax Mom” Requests Do-Over

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:38:30 -0400

Bonnie Sweeten, the Feasterville woman behind last week’s staged kidnapping of herself and her 9-year-old daughter, yesterday addressed the media—and took the opportunity to politely request a do-over.

Manuel Unveils Rippling Pecs, Rock-Hard Abs

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:38:06 -0400

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel yesterday stunned gathered onlookers when he tore off his jersey to reveal a chiseled set of rippling pecs, rock-solid abs, and bulging triceps.

‘80s Sports Heartthrobs Memorialize Zezel

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:37:37 -0400

An impressive gathering of ‘80s sports heartthrobs on Friday gathered in Philadelphia to memorialize ex-Flyer Peter Zezel—the popular center whose death at 44 last week stunned the Reagan-era athletic-beefcake community.

Saffron Rips Lemonade Stand New Asshole

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:37:14 -0400

In her Friday column, Philadelphia Inquirer architecture critic Inga Saffron ripped a Queen Village lemonade stand a new asshole—calling it “shamefully thoughtless” and “structurally abysmal.”

Elderly Gawker Ruins Couples’ Wedding Photos

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:36:49 -0400

Dismayed newlyweds citywide are reporting that a single elderly rubbernecker had ruined nearly all of their wedding pictures, appearing in photos taken in JFK Plaza, Rittenhouse Square, and Washington Square.

Woman Momentarily Wonders Why She Gives a Motherfucking Fuck About Jon & Kate Plus 8

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:36:25 -0400

Collegeville resident Andrea Thomas, 39, was yesterday troubled to report that on Sunday, she spent four seconds wondering why, exactly, she gives a motherfucking cock-fuck about Berks County’s Gosselin family.

This Week’s Dining News

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:35:56 -0400

The Food Beat: Chet Wesley

Fuck You, Roast Pork Sandwich

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:35:22 -0400

In the Community: A Cheesesteak

February 5, 2008: Street Drunks Excited For LCB’s New Wine Expert

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:49 -0400

Philadelphia’s filthy, rotgut-swilling street drunks were thrilled to learn that the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board had hired a new sommelier, saying of the appointment, “The bugs, they were all over me.”

Smerconish’s Ass Gets Own Show

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:25 -0400

Representatives of 1210-AM were yesterday thrilled to introduce the newest member of their right-leaning lineup: the buttocks of Michael Smerconish, whose recent turn in Philadelphia magazine has rocketed the ass to local prominence.

Delicious Homosexual Marriage Must Be Stopped

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:23 -0400

The Dickhead in the Room: Ex-Senator Mick Zandorum

Milton Street Running Shit

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:21 -0400

Officials at Graterford Prison yesterday reported that former Philadelphia politician Milton Street, currently serving a 30-month term for tax evasion, was running shit at the Montgomery County facility.

S. Korea Devastated by Park’s Demotion

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:18 -0400

Following Chan Ho Park’s demotion to the bullpen last week, South Korea’s hopes and fortunes have plummeted.

World Series Trophy to Replace 12% of Staff

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:15 -0400

Executives within Ardmore’s struggling Hansen Insurance Co. yesterday admitted that they had entered Major League Baseball’s “Take the Trophy to Work Day Sweepstakes” in hopes of replacing 4 workers, or 12% of total staff, with the trophy.

Rape-Happy Seagulls Menace Jersey Shore

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:12 -0400

Law-enforcement officials up and down the New Jersey coast are today reporting a disturbing wave of crimes: dozens of Memorial Day rapes, committed by flocks of depraved seagulls.

Welcome to Dippin’ Dots Kiosk #24 Please Kill Me!

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:10 -0400

In the Community: Brian Westlake, Hersheypark Employee

Jazz Legend to Students: Stay Away From Jazz

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:07 -0400

On Thursday, students at South Philadelphia’s Girard Academic Music Program were treated to a visit by jazz legend Artie Chadwick—who, over the course of two dismal hours, implored them to never, ever enter the field.

December 4, 2007: Stephen A. Smith Sighted in State Park

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:34:04 -0400

Confusion rippled through Tyler Creek State Park on Sunday after a Lambertville man reported spotting former Philadelphia Inquirer sportswriter Stephen A. Smith—who dropped out of sight in mid-September—lurking in the deep brush.

2nd-Ever Face Transplant Recipient Unveiled in Rittenhouse Sq.

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:44:11 -0400

Two weeks after the world’s first-ever face transplant recipient was presented in Cleveland, Philadelphia physicians yesterday unveiled the second: 67-year-old Rittenhouse Square widower Vanessa Van Dusen.

City to Transvestite: Please Try Harder

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:44:08 -0400

City officials and residents alike yesterday issued a desperate plea to Washington Square West transvestite Richard Moscoso: “Please try harder.”

Yoo Tortures Bunch

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:44:06 -0400

Yesterday, North Broad Street’s Inquirer Building was the site of a daring SWAT team rescue of Daily News columnist Will Bunch—believed to have been held and tortured for days by Inquirer columnist John Yoo.

Phils Fans Happy to Bitch Again

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:44:03 -0400

On Sunday, Phillies fans regionwide reported that they were thrilled by the club’s middling performance this season—as they once again have license to bitch, moan, and complain about the team.

Don’t Fuck it Up, Stefanski

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:44:01 -0400

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Delaware’s New Slogan: “America’s Lil’ Bookie”

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:43:58 -0400

Four days after Delaware Gov. Jack Markell signed a bill legalizing sports betting in the state, he yesterday unveiled a new state slogan, intended to commemorate the change: “America’s Lil’ Bookie.”

Report: Good Seats Still Available For Bell Biv Devoe

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:43:56 -0400

Keswick Theatre representatives yesterday issued a stunning announcement: that there were still plenty of good seats available for Saturday’s Bell Biv Devoe concert.

Camden’s Aquarium Animals Swimming to Suburbs

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:43:53 -0400

Officials at Camden’s Adventure Aquarium yesterday expressed worry over an alarming recent trend: the increasing flight of the facility’s animals to nearby Collingswood, Moorestown, and Cherry Hill.

February 12, 1995: 12 Monkeys Offers Optimistic View of City’s Future

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:43:51 -0400

Mayor Ed Rendell yesterday praised the makers of 12 Monkeys for their optimistic view of Philadelphia in the year 2020.

Specter Changes Sex

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:57:12 -0400

Two weeks after his surprise defection to the Democratic party, Sen. Arlen Specter yesterday made an even more shocking announcement: that, following a secret weekend procedure, he had become a woman.

Pitchers No Longer Listening to Moyer

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:57:10 -0400

Phillies pitchers yesterday admitted that they were no longer heeding the advice of veteran southpaw Jamie Moyer, whose ERA has ballooned to an astounding 7.26.

Tony, Please Stop Following Me Around

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:57:07 -0400

Ed Stefanski, Sixers GM

Busking Restrictions to Enhance Station Chaos

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:57:04 -0400

Annoyingly angel-voiced balladeers and classically-trained violinists will become far rarer in August, when the city enacts restrictions on performers in Suburban and Market East stations.

Report: Feeley Stalker Also Harassed Detmer, Blake, Hoying

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:57:00 -0400

Local law-enforcement officials yesterday revealed that the 39-year-old woman accused of stalking Eagles backup A.J. Feeley was also suspected of harassing Koy Detmer, Jeff Blake, and Bobby Hoying.

Food Banks Flooded With Sauerkraut

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:56:56 -0400

Area pantries yesterday reported a record wave of sauerkraut following Saturday’s “Stamp Out Hunger” food drive by the United States Postal Service.

Mother’s Home Cooking: Huzzah!

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:56:52 -0400

The Insufferable Gourmand, Nick Rickles

South Phila. Woman No Zoe Strauss

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:56:49 -0400

Friends and relatives of South Philadelphia’s Gina Torrento, a neighbor of Zoe Strauss, yesterday conceded that Torrento, unlike Strauss, seemed unlikely to rocket to international renown with her own photography.

January 15, 2008: Zagar Mosaics Self

Mon, 18 May 2009 19:56:45 -0400

Worried friends and relatives of Isaiah Zagar reported yesterday that the renowned mosaic artist had covered his own body with cement and assorted bits of glass, pottery, and other debris.

City Now Stealing its Cars

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:30:04 -0400

Local officials yesterday announced that the city’s expensive fleet of trucks, sedans, and SUVs would soon be phased out in favor of a more economical alternative: stolen cars.

Ibanez Shits Ice Cream

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:30:01 -0400

Teammates of Raul Ibanez have revealed a stunning fact about the celebrated offseason pickup: that, in addition to ranking among league leaders in average, home runs, and RBI, he also produces ice cream, not feces, with his anus.

Sixers on Track For 2134 Championship

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:58 -0400

Following the 76ers’ third consecutive first-round playoff exit, satisfied team officials yesterday said that the middling squad looked to be on track to win the 2134 NBA Championship.

We’re All Gonna Die!

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:56 -0400

In the Community: Geoffrey Wagner, Voice of Reason

Butkovitz Not Polling Well Among City 4th-Graders

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:53 -0400

City Controller Alan Butkovitz, already in a tight race for reelection, yesterday received even more disheartening news: he was polling extremely poorly among city 4th-graders, largely due to his buttocks-related surname.

Toomey Forced to Run Unappetizing Pro-Toomey Campaign

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:50 -0400

Analysts statewide are saying that after Arlen Specter’s surprise switch to the Democratic Party, conservative ex-congressman Pat Toomey must now run an unappetizing Pro-Toomey campaign in next year’s Republican primary.

Spandexed Rollerblader, Penis Visible, Protests Cell-Phone Ban

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:48 -0400

A Manayunk Rollerblader, penis distressingly outlined by his Spandex shorts, yesterday expressed his displeasure with the city’s new handheld cell-phone ban.

Betsy Ross House Worker Blows Whistle

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:45 -0400

Shockwaves yesterday reverberated throughout the city’s historical community following a stunning allegation by a Betsy Ross House cashier: that Ross had not, in fact, sewed the first American flag.

November 17, 1989: Double Dare To Use Real “Physical Challenges”

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:29:42 -0400

Producers for Double Dare, the popular children’s game show filmed at WHYY’s Independence Mall studios, yesterday announced that the program’s upcoming season would use real-life “physical challenges” to determine its winners.

Fitler Sq. Cited For Coddled-Child Infestation

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:54 -0400

City health inspectors yesterday ordered the temporary closing of Center City’s Fitler Square, citing an infestation of over-coddled infants and toddlers.

Maclin’s Honeymoon Over

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:52 -0400

Eagles fans yesterday expressed their growing disappointment with first-round draft pick Jeremy Maclin, citing, among other factors, the receiver’s utter lack of offensive production.

Flyers Still in Locker Room

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:49 -0400

Three days after their stunning, season-ending Game 6 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins, a dejected Flyers team was today still sitting, in uniform, in its Wachovia Center locker room.

“City” Block, “The Real Estate Man” in Underground Death Match

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:46 -0400

Area realtors and underground cage-fighting enthusiasts alike are buzzing over the announcement of a death-match between Jeff “City” Block and Mike McCann, “The Real Estate Man.”

This Just In: Marrazzo a Dick

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:44 -0400

Radio Beat: Dave Heller, WHYY

17 Dead Diners Found in Maia

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:41 -0400

The Main Line is reeling after yesterday’s discovery of seventeen desiccated corpses in an apparently-forgotten restaurant within Maia—the huge, recently-shuttered Villanova food complex.

Extra! Extra! Eagles Unveiling New Cheerleaders!

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:39 -0400

In the Community: Bill Marimow, Philadelphia Inquirer Editor

Garces Announces Insane New Concept

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:36 -0400

Star restaurateur Jose Garces yesterday announced plans for his sixth Philadelphia restaurant—and, unlike the previous five, which had been merely ambitious, his new concept seemed outright insane.

April 21, 1873: I Certainly Enjoy the University Life!

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:37:29 -0400

In the Community: Asher Roth, West Chester University Undergraduate

Kalas Memorialized With Terrible Impersonations

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:25 -0400

More than one week after the sudden death of Harry Kalas, the legendary broadcaster was still being memorialized by fans regionwide with thousands of tender, numbingly awful impersonations.

You Call This Luxury?

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:23 -0400

In The Community, Baron Von Ghrekendorf

Govberg Getting Pushy

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:20 -0400

In recent days, area residents have reported that Irv Govberg, of Chestnut St.’s Govberg Jewelers, had publicly urged them to sell him their gold, diamonds, jewelry, and watches.

Unseen Force Now Fucking With Wheeler

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:17 -0400

Phillies announcer Chris Wheeler yesterday reported that for the past eight days, an “unseen force” has been tormenting him—spilling his coffee, poking him in the eye, and, in one case, flipping his toothbrush straight into the toilet.

Hamels to Adopt Kendrick

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:14 -0400

Phillies ace Cole Hamels yesterday revealed that he and his wife were looking to add a third member to their family: Lehigh Valley IronPigs pitcher Kyle Kendrick.

Rendell Vows Property-Tax Hunger Strike

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:11 -0400

Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell yesterday made a stunning announcement: that if state residents do not see a casino-related property-tax savings of at least $200 this year, he would go on a severe hunger strike.

Tierney: Spider-Man to Save Company

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:09 -0400

Philadelphia Newspapers L.L.C. head Brian Tierney yesterday revealed that his staggering, bankrupt company had an ace in the hole that would likely save it from liquidation: the addition of a daily Spider-Man cartoon to the Inquirer and Daily News.

Following Bad Girls Club Audition, Stupid, Filthy Whore Concerned She’s Not Stupid, Filthy, Whorish Enough

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:06 -0400

A Center City resident and all-around stupid, filthy whore yesterday revealed a distressing worry: that she may not have been stupid, filthy, or whorish enough to appear on Bad Girls Club.

August 5, 2008: Kalas Gives Wife Stirring Description of Dream

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:25:03 -0400

Legendary Phillies announcer Harry Kalas yesterday gave his wife a stirring description of an “am-aaazinng” dream that he had experienced the night before.

Penn Unveils Tiny, $40 Million Park

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:57 -0400

City officials are buzzing over the potential benefits of the University of Pennsylvania’s newly-designed Penn Park, with its six square feet of foam trees, cardboard athletic fields, and hand-painted tennis courts.

Dawkins, Banner in Tearful Airport Reconciliation

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:55 -0400

In a remarkable turn of events, Pro Bowl safety Brian Dawkins yesterday returned to the Eagles, following a heartwarming, last-second airport reconciliation with team president Joe Banner.

Bills Outbid NES, Genesis Teams For T.O.

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:52 -0400

Buffalo Bills officials on Saturday revealed that they had outbid a number of NES and Sega Genesis football teams for controversial wide receiver Terrell Owens.

Tony Luke Fills Boilable Beef-Sack Sandwich Market

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:49 -0400

Analysts yesterday agreed that Tony Luke’s new “frozen cheesesteak in a boil-in bag” will likely fill a wide-open market for boiled-and-microwaved steak sandwiches.

Renegade Episcopal Priest: Come and Get Me

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:46 -0400

Just days after the Episcopal Diocese of Pennsylvania asked a civil court for his removal, renegade priest David Moyer issued a defiant message to the organization: Come and get me.

Nickelback? More Like “Money Back”!

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:44 -0400

Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Thank You, Dear Friend

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:41 -0400

Poetry Corner, Leonard Cohen

May 27, 1978: As He Wished, Fumo Loses Election

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:55:38 -0400

Former bureaucrat Vincent J. Fumo yesterday lost his special-election bid to succeed Buddy Cianfrani in the state senate—and in a subsequent interview, expressed a surprising degree of relief.

Fumo Basks in Snow Day

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:23:00 -0400

With yesterday’s fierce winter storm causing a day-long postponement of his federal corruption trial, former State Sen. Vincent J. Fumo frolicked in the snow in heartrendingly childlike fashion.

Please, Guys, No More Trash Talk

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:57 -0400

A Player’s View, Cole Hamels

Cote Savagely Interrupts Wedding Proposal

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:52 -0400

Flyers fans are still expressing shock following Riley Cote’s violent interruption of a between-periods wedding proposal during last week’s Flyers-Capitals game.

Cloaked Council Members Defend Secret Meetings

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:49 -0400

Members of City Council, many of them smelling of incense and wearing druid-like cloaks, yesterday defended their right to hold secret budget meetings.

Tierney Offers Creditors Free Umbrellas

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:47 -0400

An anonymous source yesterday revealed that Brian Tierney, CEO of the newly-bankrupt Philadelphia Newspapers L.L.C., had offered his company’s creditors free promotional umbrellas in return for $395 million in debt relief.

Legalizing Destruction!

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:43 -0400

One Concerned Citizen, Monica Ravensworthy

Stupid Beer Week

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:41 -0400

In the Community, Pete Biggs, Alcoholic

Giftshops Controlled by Masonic Temple Giftshop

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:38 -0400

City giftshop managers yesterday came forward with a stunning allegation: that their stores have for years been controlled by the giftshop of Center City’s mysterious Masonic Temple.

February 1, 1956: Grace Kelly to Not Wed East Falls Goombah

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:35 -0400

East Falls handyman and all-around goombah Bert Rizzoli was yesterday devastated by the news that actress and East Falls native Grace Kelly was to wed Monaco’s Prince Rainier III.

City May Charge For Trash-Scattering

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:55 -0500

Despite rising public opposition, sources inside City Hall yesterday confirmed that they were still considering implementing a $5 fee for weekly trash-scattering.

Dalembert-Fritos Trade Unsuccessful

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:54 -0500

According to an NBA source, an attempt by the 76ers to deal the middling Samuel Dalembert to the Memphis Grizzlies for a bag of Fritos collapsed moments before last Thursday’s trade deadline.

In Lighthearted Prank, Eaton Dumped in Crocodile-Filled Waters

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:51 -0500

Phillies pitcher Adam Eaton yesterday found himself on the receiving end of a lighthearted clubhouse prank, as he was drugged, bound, gagged, and dumped into the crocodile-filled waters of Florida’s Caladesti Island State Park.

Absinthe Distillery Spiraling Into Madness

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:48 -0500

Escaped employees of the Far Northeast’s Philadelphia Distilling yesterday reported that factory conditions had deteriorated drastically since the company’s first bottles of absinthe were produced last month.

Real People Finally Banished From Old City

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:46 -0500

Old City’s business community yesterday expressed jubilation at the news that Penn’s View Inn owner Luca Sena would be transforming the blue-collar Snow White Diner into a more pleasingly sterile prick-nest.

Corzine Praying For Alien Obliteration

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:43 -0500

New Jersey Gov. John Corzine yesterday admitted that recent UFO sightings across Morris County had given him hope that his limping state would soon be vanquished by bloodthirsty alien invaders.

Scarlett Johansson Held in Arsons

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:40 -0500

On Friday, citizens from Pennsylvania to Hollywood expressed shock that actress Scarlett Johansson had confessed to setting nine of the 24 fires that have recently plagued the Coatesville area.

Save Arts Program, Pleads My Dog Skip Star

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:37 -0500

Philadelphia native Kevin Bacon, star of such films as My Dog Skip, Picture Perfect, and The Air Up There, last week implored Gov. Ed Rendell to reinstate a teen arts program recently trimmed from the Pennsylvania budget.

May 21, 1927: No Baker Bowl Deaths This Week

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:09:34 -0500

Phillies owner William Baker yesterday breathed an expansive sigh of relief, as the week closed with not a single death occurring within his rotting, catastrophe-prone Baker Bowl.

Realtors Unveil Latest Bullshit Neighborhood

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:22:18 -0500

Local realtors yesterday unveiled their latest bullshit neighborhood: a nine-square-block region, carved out of North Philadelphia’s Badlands, renamed Northern Northern Northern Liberties.

Speedo-Wearing Manuel Arrives at Clearwater

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:22:15 -0500

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel on Saturday delighted players and coaches alike by arriving for the first day of Spring Training in a highly-revealing Speedo bathing suit.

An Open Letter to Elton Brand

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:22:11 -0500

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

It Was Sort of Nice Out Yesterday

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:22:07 -0500

WeatherWatch, Tony Woode

Fumo Sings “Behind Blue Eyes” On Stand

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:22:03 -0500

Embattled State Sen. Vincent J. Fumo last week stunned onlookers at his federal corruption trial, breaking into The Who’s lachrymose “Behind Blue Eyes” during cross-examination.

Specter Not Invited to Chuck E. Cheese

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:21:59 -0500

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) yesterday held out hope that his invitation to last night’s Chuck E. Cheese birthday party for Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) had simply been lost in the mail.

Report: Pacitti Connected to Obama, Paramount, MLB

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:21:54 -0500

Just days after Joanna Pacitti was disqualified from American Idol for exploiting “a private relationship”, an FBI report alleged that the singer had used similar tactics elsewhere.

Wingette Having Trouble Re-integrating

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:21:50 -0500

More than two weeks after Wing Bowl 17, friends and co-workers of Wingette Audrey Williams, 21, yesterday reported that the receptionist was having great difficulty re-integrating into society.

March 4, 1798: Scrapple Eaten

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:21:46 -0500

Chester County residents were proper-ly aghast by yester-day’s news that a Parkesburg farmer had press’t, cook’t, and eaten a vile collection of hog scrapps—which the troubled fellow later dubbed “scrapple.”

Penn’s Landing Project on Track For 4014 Completion

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:27 -0500

Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday renewed his commitment to redeveloping Penn’s Landing, insisting that the costly project would be ready in time for the Interplanetary Synod of 4014.

In the Community: Hippies!

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:25 -0500

By Edward McFlancey, Chestnut Hill Resident

Area Hitmen Encouraged by Rendell Proposal

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:22 -0500

Area hitmen are expressing delight following Gov. Ed Rendell’s recent remark that Pennsylvania “could also legalize contract killing and… tax it.”

Mr. Met? Surely You Jest!

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:19 -0500

By The Phillie Phanatic

Penn St. Players Criticize Phelps

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:15 -0500

Three Penn State football players yesterday broke their silence on Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, whose November pot use has subjected him to widespread criticism.

Viewpoints: Due to Mat Herpes, Wrestling Competition Canceled

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:12 -0500

Charles Davis, West Chester Henderson Athletic Director

Viewpoints: Matt Has Herpes!

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:09 -0500

Chelsea Madison, West Chester Henderson Student

Schwartz Devastated by Forecast Error

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:07 -0500

Nearly one week after issuing a despondent video apology for underestimating last Tuesday’s snowstorm, coworkers of Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz yesterday reported that the meteorologist was still devastated by the error.

Jamie Foxx Scratches Ass

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:06:02 -0500

Citizens across Philadelphia were yesterday held rapt by the news that actor and singer Jamie Foxx, in town to shoot the film Law-Abiding Citizen, had on Sunday scratched his ass on a Walnut St. sidewalk.

July 11, 2002: Rolen, Fans in Hate/Hate Relationship

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:05:53 -0500

After six years of steadily-deteriorating relations, the city’s baseball fans have become deeply entrenched in a hate/hate relationship with Phillies third baseman Scott Rolen.

Officials: Possible Rat Infestation a Valuable Protein Source

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:36 -0500

City officials yesterday expressed hope that a rat infestation, caused by a proposed reduction in garbage pickups, would become a dependable source of protein for residents citywide.

A Serious Word From Jon Bon Jovi

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:33 -0500

In the Community, Jon Bon Jovi

Barnes Masterminding Other Slow-Acting Crimes

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:29 -0500

William Barnes, charged with the murder of policeman Walter Barclay—following the officer’s 2007 death, 41 years after the initial shooting—yesterday revealed that he is planning even more cunningly slow-acting crimes.

Runyan Sees Shadow

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:25 -0500

An estimated 13,000 groundhog lovers yesterday gathered in Punxsutawney to watch Eagles tackle Jon Runyan wriggle out of his hole and see his shadow— meaning six more weeks of an already-unpleasant winter.

Donovan Listening to Donovan

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:22 -0500

Sources close to Donovan McNabb yesterday revealed that in the last two weeks, the Eagles quarterback has fixated on the dulcet tones of ‘60s British folk singer Donovan.

Arizonans Relieved to Stay Away From Pittsburgh

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:18 -0500

Following a pre-Super Bowl bet between Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, residents across Arizona yesterday expressed relief that they had been denied a chance to visit Pittsburgh.

First Friday Preview

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:14 -0500

ArtsBeat, Francine Yu

Stupid Fiancée of Bad Receiver in Irrelevant Magazine

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:11 -0500

Area journalists are thrilled to report the news that Kendra Wilkinson, the stupid fiancée of Hank Baskett, the Eagles’ fifth receiver, appears on the cover of this month’s Playboy, a magazine whose popularity crested in 1976.

December 22, 1979 – Erving Earns Doctorate

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:03:07 -0500

76ers forward Julius Erving was all smiles at yesterday’s team practice, as he unveiled his recently-earned cardiological degree from University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.

PPA Enlists Actual Vultures

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:20 -0500

The Philadelphia Parking Authority yesterday announced the addition of 500 unique new employees: a flock of vultures, specially trained to circle city skies and descend, ticket in beak, the instant a violation has occurred.

King Ryan Demands Wealth, Wenches, Wine

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:16 -0500

King Ryan VI hast astonished his court in demanding a bequest of near-impossible attainment, to be drawn from the Alliance of Phillies, the League of Majors, and the Kingdom of Philadelphia.

Sixers “Really, Really Thrilled” For Brand’s Return

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:13 -0500

After flourishing during his two-week absence, teammates of Sixers star Elton Brand are expressing their “pleasure” at having the plodding forward back in the lineup.

Rohm & Haas to Dissolve 900 Workers

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:10 -0500

Philadelphia-based chemicals maker Rohm & Haas last week announced its plans to dissolve 900 workers in response to the worsening national economy.

Auto Show to Reflect Economy

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:07 -0500

An official for the 2009 Philadelphia International Auto Show yesterday revealed that the exhibition would reflect, to a surprising degree, the current dismal state of the economy.

Snowman Assaulted

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:03 -0500

A Conshohocken family has been shattered by the vicious, apparently unprovoked assault of their snowman as he stood in their front yard late Wednesday evening.

Oh, Boy— the Ty Pennington Lookalike Contest!

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:44:00 -0500

Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Marley & Me Ads Now Truthful

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:43:57 -0500

As Marley & Me enters its fifth week in theaters, producers for the hit film yesterday announced a dramatic promotional shift in hopes of reviving its dwindling box office.

May 4, 1692 – Philadelphia Sprawl-ing in All Directions

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:43:53 -0500

Residents and towne officials bothe are expressing vex-ation at the rapid-ly sprawl-ing expansion of our Greene Country Towne of Philadelphia.

Deficit May Exceed a Zillion Bajillion Dollars, Warns Nutter

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:57 -0500

Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday warned that the deficit in the city’s projected 5-year budget may soon reach the previously unthinkable level of a zillion bajillion dollars.

Takeout Menus Trap Family in Home

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:55 -0500

City emergency workers yesterday rushed to a Queen Village home to extract a family trapped inside by a tightly-packed mass of takeout menus.

Helpful Heating Hints From Philadelphia Gas Works

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:52 -0500

In the Community, Thomas Knudsen, PGW President

Sunday’s Loss: One More Humiliation

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:46 -0500

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Area Kooks Insist on Existence of Sixers, Flyers

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:44 -0500

A small but devoted group of area kooks are insisting on the existence of beings they have come to call “Sixers” and “Flyers”—despite scant evidence to back up their bizarre claims.

Problem Child Causes Massive Pileup

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:41 -0500

Chad Burns, the unruly seven-year-old featured in recent ads for an Allentown-area adult community, yesterday caused a 13-car pileup on one of his overconfident trips to visit his grandmother.

Cities Battling Over Miserable Bastard

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:39 -0500

With yesterday’s passing of the 200th birthday of poet, writer, and overall miserable bastard Edgar Allan Poe, a local Poe enthusiast pressed his case that Philadelphia should be most associated with his pathetic, misery-filled legacy.

Philly.com Video Duller Than Newspaper

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:36 -0500

Local media observers are marveling at the epic dullness of Philly.com’s current 25 Under 25 video—which, despite its intent to attract young adults, is far more boring than an actual newspaper.

February 14, 1946 – Penn Scientists Unveil Sleek New Computer

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:41:33 -0500

West Philadelphia was positively atwitter yesterday, as University of Pennsylvania scientists unveiled the sleek new Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer, or ENIAC.

SEPTA Introduces QuietRide, ChaosRide Programs

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:42 -0500

SEPTA yesterday began implementation of two new programs: QuietRide–on which loud conduct will be barred from certain cars–and ChaosRide, which will allow normal, boisterous conduct to continue on all remaining cars.

Lynne Abraham Growing Impressive Playoff Beard

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:39 -0500

Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham has impressed relatives and coworkers alike with her surprisingly lustrous beard, grown in support of the Eagles’ remarkable playoff run.

Romero Taking Real Steroids “Just For the Hell of it”

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:35 -0500

Phillies reliever J.C. Romero, on Tuesday suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball for taking an over-the-counter supplement last summer, yesterday announced that he is now taking real steroids, “just for the hell of it.”

Nutter Caught Running Away From Home

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:32 -0500

Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday admitted that he had been caught by his wife, Lisa, just as he prepared to run away from Philadelphia late Sunday evening.

Witnesses: Fumo Extorted From Stoop Sale

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:28 -0500

A pair of witnesses testifying in the corruption trial of ex-state Senator Vincent J. Fumo yesterday alleged that the former legislator had wielded his considerable power to extract a number of treasures from their July 19 stoop sale.

Delaware Relieved to be Rid of Biden

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:24 -0500

Delaware residents yesterday expressed relief to finally be rid of Vice-President-Elect Joseph Biden, who will next week leave Wilmington for his new home in Washington, D.C.

Lionshead Rebus Baffles Local Drunk

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:21 -0500

Local drunk Stanley McIntyre yesterday admitted that his days-long quest to decipher a Lionshead bottlecap rebus was, incredibly, nowhere near completion.

City Forced to Invent own Celebrities

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:18 -0500

Authorities yesterday expressed embarrassment over the emergence of Paparazziphilly.com—a service that, for a $1,000 fee, sends cameramen and videographers to document the mundane movements of ordinary Philadelphians.

November 29, 1989 – Due to Ryan Bounty, Zendejas Killed

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:14 -0500

When Eagles coach Buddy Ryan last week offered his players a $200 bounty for Dallas Cowboys kicker Luis Zendejas, most dismissed it as a crude example of Ryan’s competitiveness. Yet those dismissals were silenced yesterday, when Zendejas’ lifeless body was dragged into Ryan’s office by linebacker Seth Joyner.

Tierney Urges Donation of Toys, Journalism

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:51 -0500

Philadelphia Media Holdings CEO Brian Tierney on Friday took time from a donation pitch for the Toys for Tots program to request that Inquirer and Daily News journalists donate their skills to a separate cause.

Authorities Searching For Abducted Baby Jesus; Abducted Baby Humans Told to “Sit Tight”

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:47 -0500

Authorities are still searching for a figurine of the Baby Jesus, stolen last week from an Independence Mall nativity scene—with the pursuit of actual human babies taking a necessary back seat.

The Philadelphia Turkey Live Blog:

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:42 -0500

Santa’s Workshop

Fans Reveal Holiday Wishes For Reid, McNabb

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:37 -0500

Eagles fans yesterday offered kind holiday wishes to Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb, just one day after the team’s wretched, season-crushing loss to the Washington Redskins.

Dalembert Accidentally Plays in Santa Hat

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:34 -0500

76ers center Samuel Dalembert brought embarrassment upon himself and his team by playing the first 34 seconds of Saturday’s game against the Indiana Pacers in a novelty Santa Claus hat.

Suburban Overdecorator “Really Went For it This Year”

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:30 -0500

A Lansdale man known for annually festooning his home with tasteless Christmas decorations yesterday announced that he “really went for it” this year by adding a wide array of festive new eyesores. ”

Christmas: Season of Gustatory Wonders!

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:27 -0500

The Insufferable Gourmand, Nick Rickles

Inquirer Formally Apologizes For Marley and Me

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:24 -0500

The Philadelphia Inquirer yesterday issued a formal apology for its central role in the creation of Marley and Me, the forthcoming film based on the book by former Inquirer columnist John Grogan.

April 4, 1978 – Terrifying Mutation Found at Veterans Stadium

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:23:20 -0500

In a disturbing discovery, a horribly deformed creature was yesterday found lurking in the decrepit bowels of Veterans Stadium.

Wacky Cops Don’t Know How Suspect Escaped

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:19 -0500

Officials within Philadelphia’s lovably wacky police force yesterday admitted that they were still unsure as to how a serial offender had managed to escape from Police Headquarters last Monday.

McNabb Twins Frustratingly Inconsistent

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:15 -0500

Reports from the household of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb indicate that the star’s two-week-old twins, Eric and Jessica, have been frustratingly inconsistent in 2008.

Coste Working on New Book, Fuck You Guys

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:12 -0500

Phillies catcher Chris Coste, already the author of two books about his baseball career, yesterday announced that he had begun writing a new book about his recent dealings with the team, entitled Fuck You Guys.

Barack Hussein Obama: American?

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:08 -0500

The Elephant-Sized Asshole in the Room, Mick Zandorum

Local Dogs Weigh in on Fairness Study

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:04 -0500

Local canines yesterday responded to a University of Vienna study, issued last week, that revealed that dogs, much like humans and monkeys, possess an intuitive sense of fairness.

Are Wild Cats Targeting Our Fake Santas?

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:33:00 -0500

One Concerned Citizen, Monica Ravensworthy

Child Tries, Fails to Maintain Interest in Macy’s Light Show

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:32:57 -0500

The parents of a seven-year-old West Philadelphia boy yesterday reported that the child tried, and failed, to maintain interest in Macy’s Christmas light show during a Sunday trip to the store.

Gross Now NPR’s “Blackest Voice”

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:32:54 -0500

National Public Radio officials yesterday announced that following the planned cancellation of News and Notes, Fresh Air host Terry Gross would become NPR’s “blackest voice.”

September 16, 1917 – New Parkway to be a “Champs-Elysees, But With Hobos”

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:32:50 -0500

Plans for the new Benjamin Franklin Parkway were unveiled with great pomp during a City Hall ceremony yesterday, with its architects envisioning a thoroughfare “akin to Paris’ Champs-Élysées—but with hobos.”

Nutter Carried Away by Angry Mob

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:53 -0500

Local law-enforcement officials are desperate for leads following last night’s abduction of Mayor Michael Nutter by citizens gathered for a town-hall budget meeting at Penn Treaty Middle School.

Verizon Eager to Bring Shitty TV, Internet to City

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:50 -0500

Representatives from Verizon Communications Inc. are urging City Council to pass a 15-year agreement that would allow the company to provide an array of shitty television shows and brain-killing web sites to Philadelphia citizens.

UArts Rebel Intentionally Misorders at Starbucks

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:47 -0500

University of the Arts freshman and self-described “radical” Lawrence Nardone yesterday reported that he now places his Starbucks Coffee order incorrectly in a bold attempt to “bring the system to its knees.”

Baskett Shoots Self Onto Leg

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:45 -0500

Nine days after Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh, Eagles receiver Hank Baskett has become involved in a similar incident—shooting himself onto his leg during a video-sex session with his starlet girlfriend.

Chester Stadium Plans Severely Scaled Back

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:42 -0500

In the midst of the ongoing financial crisis, disappointed team officials yesterday said that plans for a lavish Major League Soccer complex, to open in Chester in 2010, are being severely scaled back.

Sexual Assault “The Greatest Thing Ever,” Boasted Victims

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:39 -0500

Testimony in last week’s sexual assault trial of Angela Honeycutt revealed that the incident—in which the Lower Makefield woman engaged in sex acts with two teens during a slumber party—was described as “the greatest thing ever” by the victims

What Every Philadelphian Should Want for Christmas

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:36 -0500

Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

April 29, 1965 – Facenda to Make Dreadful Games Seem Monumental

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:31 -0500

Legendary WCAU newscaster John Facenda yesterday accepted an offer to produce voiceover work for Mount Laurel, New Jersey’s NFL Films—with hopes of making even the most mundane contest seem like an earth-shaking event.

Rittenhouse Matron Eats Chihuahua

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:26 -0500

72-year old Rittenhouse matron Eloise Campbell yesterday reported that her worsening financial condition had led her to eat her beloved Chihuahua, Lady Woofles, for dinner on Sunday.

Mendte Glances Nervously at Computer

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:24 -0500

Former CBS3 anchor Larry Mendte, sentenced last week to house arrest for spying on thousands of former co-anchor Alycia Lane’s e-mails, yesterday glanced nervously at his computer, cursing it insanely.

SEPTA Exploiting its “Obvious Sex Appeal”

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:22 -0500

Advertisements for SEPTA’s new Pass Perks program are exploiting what officials yesterday called the transit agency’s “obvious sex appeal.”

No, Eagles, You’re Not “Good”

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:19 -0500

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Stuffing Still Stuck in Reid’s Moustache

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:16 -0500

According to bemused team officials and members of his own family, embattled Eagles coach Andy Reid has had a chunk of stuffing caught in his moustache since early Friday afternoon.

Unappetizing Teen Still Thinking About Twilight Star

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:13 -0500

An utterly pathetic teenager, 15-year-old Melissa Meglin of Lansdowne, yesterday reported that her walnut-sized brain was still focused on her brief meeting with Twilight star Robert Pattinson nearly four weeks ago.

Margera’s Club “Means He’s Staying,” Moan West Chester Officials

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:11 -0500

The recent opening of The Note, the West Chester nightclub owned by reality-TV star Bam Margera, has dismayed town officials, who yesterday conceded that the local product may now never move far, far away.

Man Struggling to Shake Turner’s Thighs From Memory

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:08 -0500

An area man yesterday reported that he was struggling to shake the harrowing image of 69-year-old singer Tina Turner’s thighs from his memory following her Saturday evening performance at the Spectrum.

June 1, 1774 – Village of Camden a “Peace-ful Refuge”

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:06:05 -0500

The newly incorporated New Jersey village of Camden, a mere stone’s-heave athwart the Delaware River from the bustling Philadelphia wharves, is being described as a “peace-ful refuge from the hub-bub and chaos of modern life” by its happy settlers.

Nutter Slashes Cranberry Sauce From Menus

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:50 -0500

Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday ended weeks of speculation by announcing a painful, if expected, money-saving maneuver: the removal of cranberry sauce from all Philadelphians’ Thanksgiving-Day menus.

Reid Commits Seppuku

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:38 -0500

Eagles coach Andy Reid stunned reporters gathered for his weekly press conference by yesterday committing seppuku, or Japanese ritual suicide, one day after his team’s humiliating 36-7 loss to the Baltimore Ravens.

HS Football Star Hoping to Hit Peak of Life

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:42 -0500

Neshaminy High School quarterback James Francis yesterday said that he hoped for a win in Saturday’s Class AAAA Championship, so that he could bore friends and relatives about it for the rest of his years.

Fumo Aides to “Make Vince the Best Thanksgiving Ever”

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:16 -0500

Aides to Vince Fumo are working feverishly to make this year’s Thanksgiving dinner “the best ever” for the state senator—who is currently standing trial for, among other offenses, using senatorial aides for his own personal affairs.

Local Democrat Resumes Apathy

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:12 -0500

Following Barack Obama’s historic march to the presidency Nov. 4, a local Democrat yesterday announced that she has resumed her normal, heavy-lidded political apathy.

Naked Masturbator Urged to “Put on Some Pants and Come Forward”

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:09 -0500

Buckingham Township officials are urging a naked, middle-aged sexual deviant to come forward—but not before covering up his flabby midsection, pockmarked buttocks, and comically tiny penis.

Hip-Hop’s Best to Support Comedy’s Worst

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:05 -0500

Legendary Philadelphia hip-hop group The Roots last week announced that, beginning in the summer of 2009, they will be the house band on the late-night show of Jimmy Fallon—one of the least-legendary comedians in recent memory.

Man Reluctantly Dragging Wife, Self to Eagles Concert

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:12:02 -0500

A Lansdale couple yesterday reported that they will be attending tonight’s Eagles concert at the Wachovia Center—a move driven more by a grim sense of duty than any genuine excitement.

June 27, 1963 – James Brown Molests Dick Clark

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:11:59 -0500

Dick Clark, beloved host of American Bandstand, endured a humiliating sexual molestation at the hands of up-and-coming rhythm-and-blues singer James Brown.

Society Hill Traded For Neighborhood to be Named Later

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:31:13 -0500

Mayor Michael Nutter stunned area residents by yesterday announcing the trade of Society Hill to the city of Boston, for a neighborhood to be named later.

SugarHouse Mulling Spot Atop Independence Hall

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:31:10 -0500

Representatives from SugarHouse casino yesterday revealed that, like their Foxwoods casino counterparts, they were pondering a move—but with a far more surprising location than Foxwoods’ choice of The Gallery.

City to Have More Upscale Steakhouses Than Libraries

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:31:07 -0500

In the wake of Mayor Michael Nutter’s sweeping budget cuts and the openings of Chima, Butcher & Singer, and Del Frisco’s Double Eagle, analysts say that if current trends continue, Philadelphia will soon have more upscale steakhouses than public libraries.

Hey, Flyers, Sixers, & Eagles: We Won’t Let You Suck Anymore

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:31:03 -0500

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Phillies Fan Still Smashing Things

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:31:00 -0500

Family and friends of South Philadelphia resident Sam Goloti yesterday reported that the 25-year-old Phillies fan is still smashing things in celebration—nearly three full weeks after the team won the World Series.

Toll Bros. Reports Drop in Soul-Sucking Home-Building Revenue

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:30:56 -0500

Horsham-based developer Toll Brothers Inc. last week announced a sharp decline in revenues from the construction of its appallingly wasteful, soul-sucking McMansions.

In the Community: Extra! Extra! Kendra Has a MySpace Page!

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:30:52 -0500

By Bill Marimow, Editor, Philadelphia Inquirer

Mencia to Perform Non-Plagiarized Material

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:30:49 -0500

Stand-up comedian Carlos Mencia yesterday announced that his Friday evening show at the Tower Theatre will consist entirely of non-plagiarized material.

March 31, 1991 – Barkley to Work on His Spitting

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:30:45 -0500

Following an incident during Tuesday’s game against the New Jersey Nets in which he accidentally spat on a 10-year-old girl, Sixers forward Charles Barkley yesterday conceded that he must improve his spitting technique.

Republicans Oddly Helpful Towards Black Voters

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:25 -0500

According to early-morning reports, local Republicans are being oddly helpful towards the city’s black voters—offering unsolicited transportation to polling places, and explaining the finer points of voter eligibility.

Six-Day Title Drought Killing Fans

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:21 -0500

Philadelphia’s sports fans are reporting that the city’s championship drought—which stretches back to October 29, 2008—is becoming more unbearable with each passing day.

Other Teams to Phils: Gee, Thanks, Guys

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:17 -0500

In the wake of the Phillies’ astonishing march to victory in the 2008 World Series, the city’s other professional sports teams are expressing annoyance at having to cope with even greater pressure to win.

Myers Accused of Vandalism

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:14 -0500

Local authorities yesterday made a surprising, if reluctant, announcement: that Phillies pitcher Brett Myers may have contributed to the celebratory vandalism that occurred after the team’s World Series victory Wednesday evening.

Zappa Slipped into B101 Playlist; Terrorism Suspected

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:10 -0500

Police are searching for suspects following yesterday’s violent slipping of a Frank Zappa song into B101.1 FM’s normally-soothing soft-rock playlist.

Swayed by Racism an Array of Concerns, Rural Democrat Voting McCain

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:06 -0500

A Pottsville Democrat is reporting that ~~Barack Obama’s skin color ~~an array of concerns have persuaded her to vote against her own party in today’s election.~~~~

Ritz Patron Horrified by Crinkling Bag

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:46:02 -0500
A violent confrontation erupted at the Ritz Five movie theater on Thursday evening, with an elderly patron angrily chastising a fellow moviegoer for opening a bag of vegetable snacks too loudly.

Chronic Masturbator’s Wife Not Yet on GirlsOfPhilly.com

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:45:59 -0500
An area masturbator seems certain he will find his wife of 36 years on GirlsOfPhilly.com—the local soft-core pornography website whose slogan suggests, “You might even see your wife” within its pages.

May 29, 2003 – Selig Suspends Dinner Party

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:45:56 -0500
Midway through a long-awaited dinner party at his suburban Milwaukee estate last night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig abruptly sent his guests home after the pot roast was found to be “dreadfully overcooked.”

Editorial - The Philadelphia Turkey Endorsement: John McCain

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:14:34 -0500
The Philadelphia Turkey Endorsement: John McCain

Thousands Die Happily

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:14:04 -0500
Thousands of elderly Phillies fans died happily this morning, following the team’s stunning five-game World Series victory over the Tampa Bay Rays.

National Media: Rays’ Shittiness “A Great Story”

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:14:00 -0500
Staying true to a weeks-long trend, journalists nationwide have remained awestruck by the Tampa Bay Rays, despite their dreadful losing performance in the World Series.

Pirates Fans: “That’ll be us in 2063”

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:57 -0500
As the Phillies play in the 2008 World Series, baseball fans in western Pennsylvania are boldly predicting that their Pittsburgh Pirates will find themselves in a similar position within the next five to six decades.

Obama’s Rays Rally Erases PA Lead

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:54 -0500
One week after appearing at a Tampa rally alongside six members of the Tampa Bay Rays, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama continues to shed Philadelphia-area votes—leading to a statistical dead heat between he and Republican candidate John McCain.

Bloomberg’s Push Baffles Street

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:50 -0500
Former Philadelphia Mayor John Street yesterday weighed in on New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s controversial push for a third consecutive term in office, saying, “Why not let your term expire, get into your PJs, and order a couple of pizzas?”

Farm Offers Spine-Tingling Halloween Terror

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:44 -0500
In recent weeks, a small Coopersville farm has taken full advantage of the Halloween season, offering visitors a terrifying glimpse into the hardships associated with modern family farming.

O! Free Crunchy Taco!

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:40 -0500
The Insufferable Gourmand, Nick Rickles

Williams Trying to Negate 15 Years of Atrocious Films

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:36 -0500
Actor Robin Williams yesterday admitted that his “Weapons of Self-Destruction” tour, arriving at the Tower Theatre on Thursday, is an attempt to erase the memory of 15 years of atrocious films from the public’s mind.

March 23, 1979 – Cocky Penn Predicting Rout of Magic, Michigan St.

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:13:30 -0500
Members of the University of Pennsylvania men’s basketball team are exhibiting uncharacteristic cockiness in predicting a rout of Michigan St. and Earvin “Magic” Johnson in tomorrow night’s pivotal Final Four contest.

Nutter Engaging in Unfriendly Wagers With Tampa Mayor

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:42:03 -0400
With the Phillies preparing to play the Tampa Bay Rays in the 2008 World Series, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday announced a round of unfriendly wagers with Tampa Mayor Pam Lorio.

Lidge to Wild Thing: “Stay the Hell Away From Me”

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:59 -0400
Although spirits in the Phillies’ clubhouse have been high, with the team preparing for its first Fall Classic in 15 years, tensions flared yesterday when closer Brad Lidge warned ex-Phillie Mitch Williams to “stay the hell away from me.”

Fans’ Blood Red Again

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:55 -0400
The city’s sports fans yesterday reported that their collective blood has recently begun to run red—not, as had been the case for many years, a dark shade of midnight green.

With Downturn, Essington Ave. More Depressing Than Usual

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:50 -0400
With the economic downturn ravaging the automobile industry, workers along Essington Ave., home to myriad car dealerships, say that the strip has become even more depressing than usual.

Foxwoods Move to Preserve Scenery

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:46 -0400
With Foxwoods Casino to likely be resited from Delaware Avenue to Center City’s Gallery, anti-gaming activists are expressing relief at having preserved one of Pennsylvania’s most scenic areas.

Friend of the Barnes Friendless

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:42 -0400
62-year-old Lower Merion resident Agnes McCormick, a vocal member of Friends of the Barnes Foundation, revealed yesterday that in recent months, she herself has become friendless.

Sudoku Groupies Descend on City

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:37 -0400
Dozens of female Sudoku enthusiasts have begun to arrive in the city ahead of the Philadelphia Inquirer’s second annual Sudoku championship, to be held at the Pennsylvania Convention Center on Saturday.

City Warmed by Wahlberg’s Love

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:34 -0400
Despite economic hardship, intractable violence, and widespread environmental degradation, city residents were heartened to hear that actor Mark Wahlberg loves Philadelphia.

June 7, 1889 – Local Man a Sporting “Fanatic”

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:41:28 -0400
A Southwark man, 27-year-old stevedore George Gladstone, has been worrying both family and acquaintances alike with his fanatical interest in the area’s sporting goings-on.

Nutter’s Roosevelt Blvd. Solution: Spectators

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:20 -0400
Just days after announcing a comprehensive safety campaign for Roosevelt Blvd., Mayor Nutter has reversed course—this morning introducing a plan to instead add bleacher seats and concessions along the notorious highway.

N. Philly Gets the Mormon Temple it’s Been Craving

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:17 -0400
North Philadelphia residents are expressing elation over last week's announcement by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to construct a massive temple at N. Broad and Spring Garden Sts.

MyPhillyLawyer.com Adds Lionel Hutz

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:13 -0400
The lawyers of MyPhillyLawyer.com yesterday announced the addition of Springfield personal-injury attorney Lionel Hutz to their practice.

Moyer, Hamels Actually Talking Tits

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:10 -0400
Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer yesterday revealed that his frequent dugout discussions with young ace Cole Hamels – generally assumed to dwell on the intricacies of major-league pitching – actually revolve almost entirely around breasts.

Palin Exceeds Puck-Dropping Expectations

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:07 -0400
Area sportswriters and Flyers officials alike are in agreement that Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin had exceeded expectations in dropping the ceremonial first puck at the Wachovia Center on Saturday.

Valley Forge Museum Proponents One Step Closer to Boring-Ass Dream

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:03 -0400
Following last week's approval of their plans by the Lower Providence zoning board, proponents of the controversial American Revolution Center are one step closer to realizing their boring-ass dream.

In the Community: Just Wait’ll I Get These Goddamn Reins Off

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:47:00 -0400
By a Historic District Carriage Horse

Crosby Digging in Glenside Trashcans

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:46:56 -0400
Six days after playing a Keswick Theatre concert with Graham Nash, classic-rock legend David Crosby has been spotted digging in trashcans throughout Glenside.

September 4, 1995 – Watters Endears With “For Who? For What?”

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:46:49 -0400
During yesterday's loss to the Buccaneers, Ricky Watters shied away from a Randall Cunningham pass to avoid injury–yet calmed angry fans by afterwards asking a thoughtful question: "For who? For what?"

2nd Grader’s Marijuana Ridiculed as Low-Grade

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:55 -0400
Philadelphia School District officials are expressing incredulity following last week's discovery of marijuana on a West Philadelphia 2nd grader–calling the pot "pathetically low-grade."

Phillies Not Intimidated by Torre’s Nose

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:53 -0400
Just days before facing the Los Angeles Dodgers in the National League Championship Series, members of the Phillies yesterday insisted that they would not be intimidated by the long, hallowed nose of Dodgers manager Joe Torre.

Reid to Expand Playbook Beyond Tecmo Super Bowl

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:50 -0400
Following consecutive offensively-challenged losses, Eagles coach Andy Reid yesterday revealed that he would expand the team's playbook beyond the eight plays contained in Nintendo's Tecmo Super Bowl.

Fox 29 Defends Flaming Poo Bag as Journalism

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:47 -0400
Fox 29 representatives yesterday defended Friday's televised lighting of a bag of dog feces on Councilman Wilson Goode, Jr.'s doorstep as worthy journalism.

Bulletin Purchased

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:43 -0400
73-year-old Port Richmond resident Gene Young stunned the Philadelphia publishing world yesterday by purchasing a copy of The Bulletin.

In the Community: Hey, Can I Come to Your Cuddle Party?

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:40 -0400
Derek Bodkin, Newtown Square

Mickey Rooney to Play Free McCain Concert

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:34 -0400
On the heels of Bruce Springsteen's concert on Saturday for Barack Obama, 88-year-old entertainer Mickey Rooney yesterday announced that he would play a similar show in support of John McCain.

Independence Hall Celebrates Millionth Identical Tourist Photo

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:31 -0400
National Park Service officials on Saturday celebrated a momentous milestone that occurred just outside Independence Hall: the one-millionth identical tourist photograph of the historic structure.

December 2, 1958 – Artist Keane Developing Dreadful Comic Series

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:42:27 -0400
Philadelphia Bulletin staff artist Bil Keane yesterday revealed that he has been developing a comic series that, in his words, "Would, if syndicated, be unmatched in its harrowing wretchedness."

Economy Won’t Hinder City Improvements, Vows Nutter

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:43 -0400
According to Mayor Michael Nutter, the dire financial circumstances sweeping the nation in recent weeks will have little to no effect on the myriad improvements planned for the city.

Deaths Attributed to WIP Suicide Pool

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:41 -0400
Officials yesterday announced that the shocking rash of suicides sweeping the area is almost completely attributable to the NFL "Suicide Pool" of 610-WIP's Glen Macnow.

Philly.com Posts Submitted For Pulitzer

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:39 -0400
Philadelphia Inquirer editor William Marimow yesterday announced that he has submitted Philly.com posts by PhillyDogg and UttleyFan26 for Pulitzer Prize consideration.

Fans Struggling to Talk Shit on Milwaukee

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:35 -0400
Area sports fans yesterday admitted that they were struggling to properly denigrate the city of Milwaukee, whose Brewers will face the Phillies in tomorrow's National League Divisional Series.

Eagles Mulling McNabb Hamster Ball

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:33 -0400
At his weekly press conference, Eagles coach Andy Reid yesterday revealed that the team was mulling the purchase of a giant hamster ball for notoriously fragile quarterback Donovan McNabb.

Tenant “Kind of Offended” She Wasn’t Peeped on

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:29 -0400
Marcy Thewlis, a 27-year-old tenant of Thomas Daley, yesterday admitted to being "kind of offended" to find no cameras hidden anywhere in her one-bedroom apartment.

Gross on Lane Suit: R. Kelly in Town

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:26 -0400
Philadelphia Daily News gossip columnist Dan Gross, last week named in Alycia Lane's wide-ranging defamation suit, yesterday responded forcefully to the charges against him.

At Maher Show, Choir Successfully Preached to

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:23 -0400
Bill Maher fans were thrilled to report that his Saturday-evening performance at the Tower Theater had successfully left every single one of their political opinions comfortably unshaken.

February 3, 1881 – “Philadelphia”: A Mark of Quality

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:17:20 -0400
With yester-day's announcement by New York dairyman William Lawrence that his creamed-cheese would be dubbed "Philadelphia"–because of the city's deserved reputation for gustatory excellence–gentlemen in sundry other fields disclosed that they, too, would follow suit.

Rendell, Nutter Fix Casino Problem With Shittier Problem

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:39 -0400
PA. Gov. Ed Rendell and Mayor Michael Nutter on Thursday expressed confidence in their utterly terrible idea to move the Foxwoods casino from Delaware Ave. to an even more offensive location at The Gallery.

Officials Praise Hammer-Attack Samaritans

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:35 -0400
City officials on Thursday praised the ten subway riders who last week stood bravely by as a madman bludgeoned a fellow passenger with a hammer.

The Society Page Sending Embed to Afghan Tribal Region

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:32 -0400
Philadelphia's Society Page yesterday announced that it would expand its coverage to include the fraught Gurwak region of Afghanistan.

Hey, Dallas: Eat My Ass

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:28 -0400
The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Kendrick Really Traded to Japan

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:24 -0400
The Phillies yesterday announced that they had traded Kyle Kendrick to the Yomiuri Giants for a player to be named later–and, unlike an elaborate prank pulled on the pitcher in February, this time, the deal was genuine.

In the Community: Fuck You, You Fucking Hockey Moms!

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:20 -0400
Hannah Weismueller, Main Line Soccer Mom

Rittenhouse Nut Announces Free Concert Series

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:16 -0400
Gregg Washington, famed for his unhinged Rittenhouse Square muttering, howling, and singing, yesterday announced that he will be offering a series of free concerts in the park, to begin any minute now.

Are We There Yet? Star to Attempt Hip-Hop

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:12 -0400
Ice Cube, star of such lighthearted family fare as Are We There Yet?, Are We Done Yet?, and The Longshots, yesterday expressed nervousness in attempting a Friday hip-hop performance at the TLA.

February 12, 1988 – Mannequin Nominated For Record 17 Oscars

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:34:05 -0400
The film industry was buzzing following yesterday's announcement of this year's Oscar nominees, with the Philadelphia-based Mannequin receiving 17 nominations – shattering the previous record.

Coolio Weighs in on Dangerous Schools Report

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:32 -0400
Los Angeles hip-hop artist Coolio yesterday broke his silence on a recent report citing a 67% increase in the number of "persistently dangerous" Philadelphia schools.

Paterno Upset by Players’ Use of “the Marihuana”

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:28 -0400
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno on Friday expressed dismay at three of his players' alleged use of what the 81-year-old icon termed "the marihuana."

Myers an Asshole Again, Say Teammates

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:24 -0400
Teammates of Phillies pitcher Brett Myers yesterday reported that the righthander's dominance since returning from the minor leagues had led him to revert to his old, assholey self.

N. Liberties to be Replaced All at Once

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:20 -0400
Condominium developer Bart Blatstein yesterday shocked residents of Northern Liberties with plans to replace the entire gentrifying neighborhood in one audacious stroke.

Saturday Daily News Carried Off by Gentle Breeze

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:17 -0400
A group of South Philadelphia neighbors were enthralled Saturday when a gentle breeze sent that day's Philadelphia Daily News sailing high into the morning sky.

In the Community: My School is Dangerous Too, Yo

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:13 -0400
Ari Nathanson, Quakertown High School Junior

Grateful Dead to Help Obama Win Crucial Dick’s Picks Vote

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:09 -0400
The Grateful Dead's surviving members last week announced a Penn State benefit concert for Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama–a move that analysts now say could help Obama win Pennsylvania's crucial Dick's Picks vote.

Cheech & Chong Sales Aided by Weed-Clouded Brains

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:46:06 -0400
Representatives for Cheech & Chong yesterday conceded that sales for the comedy duo's Friday concert were likely aided by minds that were long ago rendered feeble by chronic marijuana use.

July 1, 1993 – Shawn Bradley Hailed as Missing Piece

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:45:56 -0400
Sixers fans were energized by the team's choice of Shawn Bradley with the second pick in yesterday's NBA draft, boasting that the gangly center would surely bring "at least a couple of championships" to Philadelphia.

Jefferson Hospital for Neuroscience Regretting Hiring Zombie Doctors

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:45 -0400
Officials at Thomas Jefferson Hospital for Neuroscience yesterday conceded that they had badly erred in hiring a team of six lurching, zombie brain surgeons late last month.

Eskin Has a Bad Day

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:41 -0400
610 WIP-AM afternoon host Howard Eskin yesterday stunned colleagues by admitting that his day had, so far, been a bad one.

Two “#1 Eagles Fans” Meet Uncomfortably

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:37 -0400
A pair of Philadelphians, each wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed him to be the "#1 Eagles Fan", met uncomfortably at Packer Avenue's Philadium on Thursday evening.

Unisys Submits New Sign Request

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:33 -0400
One week after Unisys' request to post its company logo on Two Liberty Place was denied, the prospective tenant has submitted a new proposal: a nine-foot-tall sign reading "You Assholes."

Candidates Pledge to Rebuild South St.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:29 -0400
Presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain on Sunday both made solemn pledges to rebuild the chaotic, disfigured South St. area of Philadelphia.

Medical Waste Makes Ocean Urinator Feel Better About Self

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:17 -0400
Serial ocean urinator Ned Rodney reported yesterday that last week's washing up of medical waste on shores in Avalon and Ocean City, NJ, made him feel better about his furtive habit.

This “Fringe Festival” Sure is Wacky!

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:24 -0400
Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Manayunk “A Logical Choice” to Host Red Bull-Fueled Idiocy

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:21 -0400
Representatives of Red Bull yesterday said that Manayunk was "a logical choice" to host Saturday's Red Bull Soap Box Derby, given the neighborhood's extensive experience with Red Bull-fueled idiocy.

July 22, 1793 – Sickness “Not Yellow Fever,” Assures Physician

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:45:49 -0400
The inhabitants of our fair towne were yester-day assured by a physician that the unusually great number of recent deaths plaguing the city were "not caused by yellow fever."

Phila. Vows to Reclaim “Fattest City” Label

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:56 -0400
Local officials yesterday announced an initiative to reclaim Philadelphia's lost title of “America’s fattest city”–a label now held by Las Vegas, NV.

S. Phila. Picture Window Reaching Critical Mass

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:52 -0400
City safety officials yesterday warned that a South Philadelphia picture window–with its overstuffed collection of knickknacks– was coming dangerously close to critical mass.

Poll: Teachers Dreading School More Than Students

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:48 -0400
A poll released yesterday revealed that 91% of Philadelphia schoolteachers were "Seriously Dreading" returning to school next week–compared with only 27% of the city's students.

“Taguchi’s Coochies” Give up

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:44 -0400
The rowdy group of Phillies fans known as "Taguchi's Coochies"–who dress as giant vaginas to cheer on leftfielder So Taguchi–yesterday announced that they are giving up.

Eaton Demoted to Little League

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:41 -0400
Phillies pitcher Adam Eaton, who has struggled since his demotion to the minor leagues in late July, has been demoted once again–this time to Sandy's Restaurant of the Schuylkill River Park Little League.

Conshohocken Apts. Rebuilt in 1/2 Hour

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:19:09 -0400
Conshohocken's 125-unit Millennium apartment complex, destroyed on Aug. 13 by a massive 8-alarm fire, was rebuilt yesterday between the hours of 11 and 11:30 A.M.

Area College Students “All For” Lowering Drinking Age

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:35 -0400
With the academic year getting underway, students at area colleges yesterday expressed unabashed support for a proposal by university presidents to lower the legal drinking age to 18.

Jonas Bros. Fans to Remember Concert With Embarrassment

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:31 -0400
Teenage fans of the Jonas Brothers yesterday conceded that, as they age, they will likely look back embarrassedly at their attendance at the band's sold-out concert tomorrow night.

July 19, 1964 – Young Bacon “Somehow Connected to Everyone”

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:05 -0400
Astonished friends and neighbors of Center City's Bacon family are reporting that the clan's youngest child possesses a mysterious connection with nearly everyone on earth.

SEPTA Adding New Buses, Trains "For You to Ruin"

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:20 -0400
SEPTA on Thursday announced a $10 million service-improvement initiative, which will include the addition of new buses and trains that "are just waiting to be ruined," according to excited company officials.

Frontrunners? Really?

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:17 -0400
The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

McNabb Hated Summer Camp

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:14 -0400
Donovan McNabb's mother, Wilma, yesterday revealed that her 31-year-old son was relieved to finally be home from his three-week stay at a Lehigh summer camp.

After Shower Incident, Cops to Subdue Birthdays, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:10 -0400
Following an incident in which Philadelphia police officers subdued a North Philadelphia baby shower, officials announced that the department will conduct similar raids on other harmless celebrations.

Fumo Wishing He’d Had Luchko Deleted

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:08 -0400
Associates of Vince Fumo yesterday revealed that the state senator now wishes he'd had Leonard Luchko deleted–before Luchko's plea agreement to testify against Fumo in his Sept. 8 corruption trial.

“Staycation” the Most Depressing Thing Ever

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:09:43 -0400
A Schwenksville family yesterday reported that their weeklong "staycation"–in which they are vacationing in their backyard to combat high gas prices–was the most depressing thing ever.

Hundreds of Teeth to Attend Kid Rock/Lynyrd Skynyrd Show

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:10:01 -0400
Susquehanna Bank Center officials yesterday said that this Friday's Kid Rock/Lynyrd Skynyrd concert would likely draw thousands of fans–as well as hundreds of teeth.

Stein Substituting Wacky Glasses For Booze, Pills, Coke

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:09:59 -0400
Erstwhile restaurateur Neil Stein yesterday revealed that he has replaced his well-chronicled addictions to alcohol and drugs with a new one: wacky vintage eyeglasses.

February 18, 1979 – Newly-Acquired Rose Represents “All That's Good in Baseball”

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:36:00 -0400
One day after landing third baseman Pete Rose in free agency, Phillies officials praised the pugnacious hit machine as the embodiment of all that is good in baseball.

Rittenhouse Residents Irked by Homeless Far, Far Below

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:52 -0400
Residents of Rittenhouse Square yesterday expressed frustration at the continued presence of homeless people far, far beneath their multimillion-dollar condominiums.

200 Men Movement Going Strong

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:49 -0400
Organizers of the 10,000 Men movement insisted yesterday that they were pleased with its progress–despite a shortfall of approximately 9,800 men.

“Jogging Bandit” Praised For Healthy Lifestyle

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:47 -0400
The so-called "jogging bandit" wanted by the FBI for a string of bank robberies in the Philadelphia area was yesterday praised by authorities for his healthy lifestyle.

Eagles Fans Show Deep Understanding of Psychiatry

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:44 -0400
In the wake of Shawn Andrews' admission that his absence from training camp had been caused by depression, area Eagles fans displayed their incredibly thorough knowledge of psychiatry.

Burrell Unfamiliar With Concept of Love

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:34 -0400
Phillies leftfielder Pat Burrell made a heartbreaking confession yesterday: that he is unfamiliar with the human concept of love.

Boscov’s Underwear Models Untroubled by Bankruptcy

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:09:53 -0400
Underwear models for Reading's troubled Boscov's department store are unconcerned by the chain's decisions to file for bankruptcy protection and close 10 of its 49 stores.

Parc Recreates Old Paris’ Cuisine, Décor, Social Stratification

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:24 -0400
Steven Starr's new Rittenhouse Square restaurant, Parc, is being praised for its uncanny recreation of early 20th century Paris' cuisine, décor, and social stratification.

Still Nothing Good at Stoop Sale

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:24:21 -0400
Neighbors and passersby were unsurprised to report yesterday that there was still nothing worth purchasing at a Center City resident's depressing weekly stoop sale.

July 18, 1993 – Fans Thrilled by Rage Against the Machine Performance

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:23:42 -0400
Fans of Rage Against the Machine were thrilled by the group's set at Lollapalooza yesterday, in which the band's members stood naked for 15 minutes, duct tape over their mouths, and the letters "PMRC" scrawled across their chests.

Report: Tourists Are Idiots

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:58:02 -0400
A report issued yesterday by Temple University researchers has confirmed what many Philadelphians have long suspected: that a vast majority of the thousands who visit the city every year are flat-out idiots.

Dranoff Unveils “FuckNeighbor Commons"

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:59 -0400
Condominium developer Carl Dranoff yesterday unveiled blueprints for a 66-story luxury tower that would, if built, be "completely, gloriously dismissive" of the rest of its Graduate Hospital neighborhood.

Philadelphia Business Journal Made Uncomfortable by Philadelphia Gay News

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:55 -0400
A copy of the Philadelphia Business Journal was made uncomfortable by a copy of the Philadelphia Gay News yesterday, when the two newspapers were randomly placed atop one another in a Center City coffee shop.

Eaton Tosses Virtual Complete-Game Shutout

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:51 -0400
Erstwhile Phillies pitcher Adam Eaton took an encouraging step towards regaining his long-lost form yesterday, throwing a complete-game shutout on the PlayStation2's new MLB PowerPros 2008.

Kalas Gives Wife Stirring Description of Dream

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:47 -0400
Legendary Phillies announcer Harry Kalas yesterday gave his wife a stirring description of a bizarre dream that he had experienced the night before.

Dogpark Refurbishment Leads to Improved Ball-Sniffing, Ass-Licking

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:23 -0400
A $500,000 renovation of Upper Dublin's Harris Playground dog-run has led to a dramatic improvement in canine ball-sniffing and ass-licking, according to pleased frequent visitors.

“Hurricane” Schwartz Admits Nickname Malt Liquor-Related

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:42 -0400
In a dramatic on-air confession, NBC-10 meteorologist Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz yesterday admitted that his nickname was actually a sly reference to Hurricane brand malt liquor.

Cheez Whiz Hailed as “Real”

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:39 -0400
Old City resident Eric Goldberg yesterday praised a preservative-laden cheese product as both "real" and "authentic" during a visit with friends to Geno's Steaks in South Philadelphia.

August 2, 1996 – Iverson Mulling Second Tattoo

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:23:37 -0400
Sixers rookie Allen Iverson yesterday revealed that he was considering a second tattoo–but insisted that he had no interest in canvassing his skin with pictures, words, and Asian symbols.

City’s Bosses Enjoying “Ride Your Assistant to Work Week”

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:50:23 -0400
Philadelphia's supervisors, office managers, and CEOs are enjoying "Ride Your Assistant to Work Week," which was inspired by the recent "Ride Your Bike to Work Week."

City Unsure How to Celebrate ArenaBowl Victory

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:50:20 -0400
City officials yesterday admitted that they were unsure exactly how to celebrate if the Soul were to win Sunday's ArenaBowl XXII.

Myers Swings by Eagles Camp “Just in Case”

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:50:16 -0400
Phillies pitcher Brett Myers, just recalled from AAA Lehigh Valley, revealed that he had yesterday visited the Eagles' Lehigh University training camp.

Daredevil Crosses Parkway

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:50:13 -0400
Witnesses were stunned by yesterday's successful crossing of the Benjamin Franklin Parkway by fearless Fairmount resident Marc Scheper, 28.

Anderton Happy to Be Homely

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:50:10 -0400
Identity thief Edward Anderton yesterday admitted that, in light of the attention that co-conspirator and ex-girlfriend Jocelyn Kirsch has endured, "it's been pretty nice" to be homely.

Trouble “Brewing” for Cherry Hill?

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:57:14 -0400
Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Yes Cancellation Causes Ephemeral Vexation, Astral Melancholy

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:49:46 -0400
The cancellation of last night's Yes concert at the Susquehanna Bank Center has been the source of ephemeral vexation, astral melancholy, and other pointlessly complex feelings among fans of the 70's prog-rock band.

4-Hour Meeting Produces Great Philly.com Poll Question

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:49:42 -0400
Staff members of the Philadelphia Inquirer and Philadelphia Daily News yesterday reported that an intensive, four hour-long meeting had produced a great Philly.com poll question.

March 30, 1901 – Mayor Demands Construction of Giant Clothes-Pin

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:49:37 -0400
Mayor John Weaver yesterday emphatically demanded the construction of a giant clothes-pin as a complement to the recently-completed structure of City Hall

New Casino Solution: Move Them Underwater

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:28 -0400
State officials yesterday offered a bold solution to the increasingly contentious casino-re-siting debate: submerge the planned SugarHouse and Foxwoods casinos beneath the Delaware River.

"Vote For Pat" Man's Deepest Political Engagement Ever

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:26 -0400
A 35-year-old Chalfont resident admitted yesterday that his attempt to have Pat Burrell elected to the all-star game represented the deepest political engagement of his life.

Brand Signing Leads to 9.2 Seconds of Optimism

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:22 -0400
Sixers fans are reporting that last week's signing of Elton Brand led to 9.2 seconds of genuine optimism–which then gave way to more familiar feelings of pessimism, cynicism, and despair

Please Keep Your Shirts on, Pleads Nutter

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:19 -0400
Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday begged the city's wide-ranging community of flabby, acne-scarred men to keep their shirts on–despite temperatures predicted to rise into the 90s in coming days.

Family Name Fails to Prevent Robbery

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:16 -0400
74-year-old Society Hill resident Geoffrey Dantridge yesterday reported shock that the mention of his storied surname did not prevent a robbery early Sunday morning.

In the Community: Build Some Quaint Shit on Me

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:01 -0400
A Cape May 1/4-Acre

Tots to Get So Wasted For Disney Block Party

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:39:36 -0400
Philadelphia-area tots say that they will use the just-announced Disney Block Party–a children's music festival scheduled for August 1-3 in Fairmount Park–as an excuse to get utterly wasted.

Area Excited For 3rd-Hand Road Version of Has-Been Pop Group’s Cheesy Musical

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:39:32 -0400
Excitement is mounting for tonight's Academy of Music premiere of Mamma Mia!–a third-hand road version of a cheesy musical based on the songs of ABBA, a long-defunct Swedish pop group.

January 7, 1950 – Philadelphia: Will it Ever Stop Growing?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:49:32 -0400
As Philadelphia's robust population exceeds two million hearty citizens, the question must be raised: will this proud, bustling city of industry and commerce ever stop growing?

Kirsch to Escape From Jungle Sex Prison

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:21 -0400
Jocelyn "Bonnie" Kirsch, last week sent to a bamboo prison in the deepest jungles of the Philippines, yesterday revealed plans to revolt against her brutal, sex-crazed jailers.

IronPigs Pitcher Dreaming of Big Leagues

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:18 -0400
Brett Myers, a 27-year-old pitcher who last week joined the AAA Lehigh Valley IronPigs, has touched teammates with his wide-eyed dream of one day becoming a Philadelphia Phillie.

Manuel Philosophical About Swoon

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:15 -0400
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel has been uncharacteristically philosophical about the team's June-ending 5-13 skid, which served to expose the club's flaws and shake the confidence of its fans.

New Rittenhouse Resident Issued Uniform

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:12 -0400
The 64-year-old Ella Rochester, who on Saturday moved into a condominium on Rittenhouse Square, yesterday reported that she was honored by the subsequent issuance of her new Rittenhouse uniform.

Viewpoints: Public Transportation

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:09 -0400
by Tracy Edwards, PublicTransportPA and Rick Kemp, American Petroleum Institute

Landis Appeals to Lancaster Co. Tourists

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:10 -0400
Disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis, who last week lost his final doping appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, is back in his native Lancaster County–and begging the area's many summer tourists to hear his side of the case.

School Not Scientologist, Says Thetan Smith

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:04 -0400
Film and music superstar Will Smith yesterday addressed criticisms of his soon-to-open Los Angeles school, insisting that, despite recent allegations, it had no connection to the dubious religion of Scientology.

The Wine Asshole, Kenneth Williamson

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:02 -0400
This Week’s Recommendation: Zimbabwean Merlot

May 5, 1930 – Greasy Meat Sandwich Sure to Become Part of City’s Identity

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:09:48 -0400
A meat-and-bread sandwich is sure to become linked with Philadelphia's civic identity, predict brothers Harry and Patrick Olivieri, who concocted the meal less than two weeks ago.

City Excited For Star-Spangled Marketing

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:04:06 -0400
Area residents are filled with anticipation for the many flag-draped marketing opportunities taking place across Philadelphia in coming days.

Council Having the Awesomest Vacation Ever

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:04:03 -0400
Two weeks into its three-month-long summer holiday, members of City Council are reporting that it is already shaping up to be the awsomest vacation of all time, calling it "like, so fun."

FBI Investigating Mendte Investigation

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:59 -0400
The FBI announced yesterday that it was investigating exactly why the world's most powerful law-enforcement agency would squander precious resources by investigating the online antics of a cheesy Philadelphia anchorman.

Six Phillies Survive Interleague Battles

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:55 -0400
A tragic scene played out at Philadelphia International Airport yesterday, as the six surviving members of the Phillies returned from a devastating series of battles in the western states of California and Texas.

Mr. Sandman in Dire Straits

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:51 -0400
Mr. Sandman, the Philadelphia boxer who rose to international fame in the mid-1980's, has fallen on hard times, according to saddened former WVBA associates.

In the Community: I Expected More From Ride the Ducks

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:32 -0400
by Doug Goobney

Hoping For Younger Audience, Kimmel Adding Haydn Opuses

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:44 -0400
In a bold attempt to lure younger audiences, Kimmel Center officials announced yesterday that they would be offering performances of Joseph Haydn's spirited early opuses in the months to come.

PennPraxis Urges Addition of Pineapple to Fruit-Salad Stand

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:40 -0400
The planning group which in November offered bold ideas for transforming Penn's Landing has scaled back its ambitions–presenting a new plan yesterday in which the riverfront's only improvement would be the addition of pineapple to its fruit-salad stand.

June 23, 1992 – Hornacek Looking to Fill Barkley’s Shoes

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:09:40 -0400
New Sixer Jeff Hornacek, the centerpiece of last week's trade with the Phoenix Suns for power forward Charles Barkley, is confident that he will ably fill the shoes of one of the most popular athletes in Philadelphia history.

Head-Injury Lovers Against Helmet-Law Reinstatement

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:21 -0400
Area head-injury lovers have been angered by calls for a reinstatement of PA's motorcycle helmet law, following a recent study's conclusion that motorcycle-related head-injury deaths have skyrocketed since the law's 2003 repeal.

Hey Boston: Eat My Ass

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:19 -0400
The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Muttering Randolph Seen Near Stadium

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:15 -0400
Former New York Mets manager Willie Randolph–fired last Monday for his third-place team's underachieving play–has been spotted near Citizens Bank Park in recent days, according to worried Phillies officials.

Lord Clarke Demands Universe’s Tallest Building

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:10 -0400
City Councilman and despot of the cosmos Darrell Clarke on Thursday demanded construction of the universe's tallest building on a parcel of land at 18th and Arch Sts.

Report: Ramsey Using "Positive Tickets" For Himself

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:07 -0400
A bombshell report, released yesterday by the Philadelphia Police Department's Internal Affairs Division, alleges that Commissioner Charles Ramsey has been using the department's "positive tickets" for himself.

King of Prussia Preserves Green Space

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:03:26 -0400
In a rare show of environmentalism, King of Prussia officials yesterday dedicated a sprawling, eighty-square-foot parcel of
grass as permanent green space.

Nutter-Directed It’s Always Sunny Scene a Real Drag

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:53:01 -0400
The cast and crew of the FX Network's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are already expressing regret at their decision to invite Mayor Michael Nutter to shoot one of the show's scenes earlier this month.

South St. Merchants Angered by Bookstore

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:52:58 -0400
Owners of South St.'s sex shops and novelty stores are expressing disillusionment at the opening of an Atlantic Books outlet on the 900 block of the popular commercial strip.

September 20, 1964 – Phils Looking Forward to Postseason

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:52:21 -0400
With just twelve games remaining in the season, the first-place Phillies–owners of an impressive 90-60 record–say that they are already looking forward to the team's first National League pennant since 1950.

City Begs Shyamalan to Move

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:24 -0400
City officials yesterday made a surprising request of Malvern resident and filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan: that he move from the Philadelphia area as quickly as possible.

Daily News Punwriter Really Hitting His Stride

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:22 -0400
Staffers at the Philadelphia Daily News are expressing awe at the punwriting prowess of longtime headline writer Jim Blanchard.

Petal the Elephant: A True Philadelphian

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:19 -0400
Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Moyer’s Age Leads to Gentle Clubhouse Joshing

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:16 -0400
Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer–at 45 the oldest player in the major leagues–has lately become the focus of much good-natured ribbing from his younger teammates.

Kolb: My Shoulder’s Okay

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:13 -0400
Following last week's revelation that quarterback Donovan McNabb was suffering from shoulder tendonitis, backup QB Kevin Kolb on Friday attempted to convey just how healthy his own shoulder was.

Young Wyeth Can’t Draw For Shit

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:38:00 -0400
Members of the Wyeth family–long revered for the paintings and illustrations of N.C., Andrew, and Jamie Wyeth–revealed yesterday that Timmy Wyeth, Jamie's 3-year-old grandson, simply cannot draw worth a shit.

Gross Asks Barista Probing, Insightful Questions

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:36:59 -0400
WHYY radio personality Terry Gross on Saturday asked a coffee shop clerk a long series of probing, insightful questions–much to the 27-year old barista's annoyance.

Billy Ray Cyrus Concert as Pathetic as Expected

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:36:56 -0400
Fans attending Saturday evening's Billy Ray Cyrus concert at the Atlantic City Hilton were pleased to report that the pop-country show had been every bit as pathetic as they had expected.

February 12, 2003 – Eskin’s Hunger Strike Reaches 64 Days

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:52:10 -0400
610-WIP AM afternoon host Howard Eskin's hunger strike–which he began in support of trading 76ers point guard Allen Iverson–reached an astonishing sixty-four days yesterday.

Mendte Hacks into Pentagon

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:29:07 -0400
Suspended CBS3 anchor Larry Mendte–currently under FBI investigation for accessing former co-anchor Alycia Lane's e-mails–hacked his way into a Pentagon database over the weekend, according to government sources.

Seniors Stroll the Bases Gets Out of Hand

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:28:47 -0400
The Phillies' "Seniors Stroll the Bases" promotion–in which the elderly are invited to walk slowly around the bases after games–ended in chaos following Thursday's win over Cincinnati, as dozens of the seniors tore apart the infield, set fire to third base, and urinated on the outfield tarp.

Utley’s Heroics Matched by His Charisma

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:28:43 -0400
Chase Utley's recent heroics at the plate, which have helped vault the Phillies into first place in the National League East, are matched only by his outsized personality, if recent comments are any indication.

Animal Refuge Adds Hipsters

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:28:28 -0400
Washington Square West's Morris Animal Refuge, long a shelter for cats, dogs, and other small animals, yesterday announced that hipsters have been added to its list of adoptable pets.

In the Community: Christ, This is Embarrassing

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:28:23 -0400
By the Atheist Billboard

QVC Stunned by Shoddy Product's Recall

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:37:46 -0400
West Chester-based QVC yesterday expressed shock that one of its products, recalled last week–the "Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter with Stand"–was apparently of dubious quality.

Farmer’s Market, Thy Name is Bliss!

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:54 -0400
The Insufferable Gourmand, Nick Rickles

South St. Frame Shops Showcase Scarface, 2Pac Art

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:50 -0400
The first annual South St. Frame-Shop Art Festival–which showcased Scarface, Rounders, and 2Pac-inspired works–was held on Saturday to unanimous raves from art lovers and critics alike.

April 30, 1998 – Disney to Build Glorious Hole

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:33 -0400
Mayor Ed Rendell and representatives of Walt Disney Inc. yesterday announced the construction of a gaping, block-wide hole in the heart of Center City.

Street Loving Summer Job

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:27 -0400
Former Mayor John Street, whose Temple University Urban Politics class ended last month, began a new job yesterday: passing out Subway flyers on 16th and Chestnut St., dressed as a six-foot-tall sandwich.

Track-Crossing Trampolines Installed at Schuylkill River Park

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:15 -0400
Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday unveiled what he called an "exciting solution" to the problem of pedestrians having to cross CSX-owned railroad tracks to get to and from Schuylkill River Park: a pair of 10-ft. wide trampolines.

Outrageous Taxi Rate Hikes Take Effect

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:27:11 -0400
The Philadelphia Parking Authority yesterday instituted a wide range of rate hikes for city taxis–including new fees for extra passengers, complaining, and screaming–that critics have rushed to label as both onerous and contemptible.

Poorly-Disguised Mitchell at Eagles Minicamp

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:26:59 -0400
Flamboyant former Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell arrived at the team's minicamp on Thursday in full pads and uniform–all the while holding a comb under his nose, apparently meant as a disguising mustache.

Canseco/Sikahema Bout to Restore Boxing’s Honor

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:26:55 -0400
A planned July 12 match between disgraced former baseball star Jose Canseco and ex-Eagle Vai Sikahema may finally restore honor to the once-proud sport of boxing, according to local experts.

Woman "The Jocelyn Kirsch of Fogelsville"

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:47:49 -0400
Ellie Mae Watson, a suspected kleptomaniac and homemaker in the tiny Lehigh County village of Fogelsville, is steadily gaining a reputation similar to that of Philadelphia scam artist Jocelyn Kirsch.

Frey Enjoyed Wild Phila. Stay

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:26:24 -0400
Author James Frey, in Philadelphia last week to promote his new novel, Bright Shiny Morning, said that his one-day stay had been rife with drug abuse and wild misconduct.

Booker, Lane Arguing Over Pizza Boxes

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:26:19 -0400
The unemployed couple of Chris Booker and Alycia Lane yesterday spent close to fifteen minutes arguing over which of the former media personalities would remove a moldering stack of pizza boxes from Lane's Washington Square apartment.

October 3, 1961 – Fraternity Pledge an Eating Machine

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:26:05 -0400
Members of the University of Pennsylvania's Pi Lambda Phi fraternity are expressing astonishment at the eating ability of freshman pledge Edward Rendell.

Tastykake Introduces Massive New Krimpet

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:38:07 -0400
Philadelphia's Tasty Baking Co. yesterday unveiled its most ambitious product yet: the 18½-lb., shoebox-sized Mega Krimpet, which can feed a family of six "for breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

100 Miserable Seasons Commemorative DVD Announced

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:38:04 -0400
100 Miserable Seasons, an eight-hour-long documentary commemorating the city's epic 25-year title drought, will be released on DVD on June 10, according to excited representatives of the Phillies, Flyers, Eagles, and Sixers.

Burrell Voting Self Into All-Star Game

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:38:01 -0400
Phillies leftfielder Pat Burrell, whose average has plummeted nearly fifty points in recent weeks, is attempting to vote himself into his first-ever all-star game, according to teammates.

FOP Head Urges Return to Status Quo

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:37:57 -0400
Following the unusually swift punishment of eight officers in the videotaped beating of three shooting suspects, John McNesby, president of Lodge 5 of the Fraternal Order of Police, urged a return to the old, gladhanding status quo.

Hilarious Survey Delights Frequent Flyers

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:37:54 -0400
Area air travelers were delighted by last week's fake J.D. Power customer-satisfaction survey–which comically ranked Philadelphia International as the country's best large airport.

Seaside Lovers Upset by Top-10 Snub

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:47:44 -0400
Memorial Day visitors to Seaside Heights expressed anger that the popular New Jersey shore town had been left off of the state's first-ever "Top 10 Beaches" list.

Kidd Chris Replaced by Farting Orangutan

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:37:40 -0400
Controversial former WYSP morning host Kidd Chris, fired last week for the March broadcast of a racist song parody, will be replaced by Nibbles the Farting Orangutan, according to excited station officials.

Barnes Opposition Turning to Sorcery

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:37:37 -0400
Opponents of the Barnes Foundation's planned move to the Benjamin Franklin Parkway yesterday announced that they will likely turn to sorcery to keep the $5 billion art collection in Lower Merion.

July 26, 1944 – Prisoner Poetically Obsessed With Alcohol, Breasts, Intercourse

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:47:13 -0400
The 23-year-old Henry Charles Bukowski, who is being held at Moyamensing Prison on a charge of draft evasion, is poetically obsessed with alcohol, breasts, and sexual intercourse, according to bemused penitentiary officials.

Schuylkill Dolphin Speaks

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:58 -0400
Due to a potent mix of pollutants and water-borne pharmaceuticals, a dolphin recently spotted in the Schuylkill River has, incredibly, learned to speak English with impeccable diction.

Myers, Durbin in Wacky Body-Switch

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:56 -0400
Phillies pitchers Brett Myers and Chad Durbin yesterday revealed that they have become involved in a body-switch reminiscent of such wacky '80s comedies as Vice Versa, Like Father Like Son, and 18 Again!

IronPigs Traded For Pitcher

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:53 -0400
The Phillies' hapless AAA affiliate, the 11-34 Lehigh Valley IronPigs, were traded on Sunday for Texas Rangers middle reliever Eddie Guardado.

WiFi Fiasco Hailed as Street's Greatest Success

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:48 -0400
Philadelphia's troubled municipal Wi-Fi network - scrapped last week by Internet service provider EarthLink following four years of financial and logistical problems - is today being hailed as former Mayor John Street's greatest success in office.

Inquirer Terrorized by Madman

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:45 -0400
A blond-haired lunatic, insisting that he was former columnist John Grogan, terrorized The Philadelphia Inquirer's newsroom Thursday, according to still-shaken staffers.

N.J. Capital Updates "Trenton Makes" Bridge

Mon, 26 May 2008 19:18:55 -0400
The city of Trenton, whose Lower Trenton Bridge has read "Trenton Makes, The World Takes" since 1935, yesterday unveiled a "more accurate" phrase for the Delaware-crossing span.

Larry the Cable Guy Dines at Tinto

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:37 -0400
In the area for a Saturday-evening performance in Atlantic City, comedian Larry the Cable Guy revealed his true self last night by dining at Tinto, the Ì¹ber-trendy Rittenhouse Square restaurant.

City's Teens Predicting Outstanding Blockbuster-Ruining Season

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:49:32 -0400
The city's teenagers reported yesterday that they are already fully prepared to ruin this summer's forthcoming crop of blockbuster films.

December 5, 1978 - Class Annoyed by Young Shyamalan's Show-and-Tell Presentations

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:47:08 -0400
Eight-year-old Penn Valley resident Manoj Shyamalan has beenmaking a series of ludicrous show-and-tell presentations, according to his Penn Valley Elementary School teacher.

Nutter Urges City to Get Baked For Cirque Du Soleil

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:02:38 -0400
Mayor Michael Nutter on Thursday made a surprising request of those attending Cirque Du Soleil's new show, "Kooza," which made its South Philadelphia premiere last week: that every man, woman and child get utterly toasted beforehand.

Society Hill Erecting South St. Wall

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:02:30 -0400
In an attempt to preserve the serenity of one of Philadelphia's most prestigious neighborhoods, the Society Hill Civic Association announced yesterday that it would erect a wall between it and South St.

City Dazzled by Washed-Up Film Actress

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:02:25 -0400
In recent days, Philadelphia residents have been dazzled by sightings of a washed-up film actress, according to various sources.

Flyers, Please Don't Break My Heart

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:02:16 -0400
The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Eagles Adding Even More CBs

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:02:11 -0400
Despite the presence of Lito Sheppard, Asante Samuel, and Sheldon Brown, the Eagles made the surprising revelation yesterday that they were seeking to stockpile even more first-string cornerbacks.

Economy Hurting Suburban Earth-Rapers

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:19:03 -0400
As the region adjusts to both a slowing economy and rising gas, food, and utility prices, Earth-rapers throughout Philadelphia's suburbs are finding it especially difficult to cope.

New Philadelphia STYLE to Reflect Real Philadelphia Style

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:01:43 -0400
The new publisher of Philadelphia STYLE, the high-end lifestyle and fashion magazine, announced at a Friday-evening relaunch gala that, under his guidance, the glossy would focus on the styles of normal, everyday Philadelphians.

Weiner Novel Hailed as Masterpiece

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:01:33 -0400
The reviews are in for Certain Girls, the new novel from Philadelphia author Jennifer Weiner, and most have drawn the same conclusion: it is one of the greatest works of fiction since Herman Melville's Moby-Dick.

July 29, 2000 - Abreu Goes Near Wall

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:14:52 -0400
During last night's 5-3 loss to the San Diego Padres, Phillies rightfielder Bobby Abreu stunned coaches and teammates alike by going within three feet of Veterans Stadium's outfield wall.

Thanks to Fumo, Senate Withdraws Slavery Bill

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:01:12 -0400
Following surprising remarks Wednesday in which Sen. Vince Fumo accidentally revealed that his colleagues would unanimously pass "a bill on slavery," the General Assembly rushed to withdraw the controversial measure.

Cutting Costs, US Airways Introduces Communal Sick Bag

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:01:05 -0400
US Airways, Philadelphia International Airport's principal carrier, yesterday introduced a surprising cost-cutting measure: the replacement of individual seat-back sick bags for a single, shared 20-gallon sack.

Report: Sharper Image's Closure to Ravage City Economy

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:51 -0400
A grim report issued yesterday by Temple University economists warns that next week's closure of the Walnut St. Sharper Image store will have a catastrophic effect on the local economy.

Flyers Looking Forward to Good, Clean Series

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:45 -0400
The Flyers, whose surprising playoff run continues Friday in the Eastern Conference finals against the Pittsburgh Penguins, insist that, despite a history of bad blood between the two teams, fans should expect a good, clean series.

Howard Lobbying For 4-Strike Rule

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:39 -0400
Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard, mired in a horrific early-season slump, admitted yesterday that he had lobbied Commissioner Bud Selig's office for an extra strike.

Following Restaurant Week, Wilmington Planning "Lots of Other City-Type Stuff"

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:24 -0400
With its fourth annual City Restaurant Week coming to an end last Saturday, excited Wilmington officials have announced a commitment to doing "lots of other city-type stuff."

Bryan Adams Wows Pudgy 47-Year-Old Women

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:15 -0400
Canadian singer Bryan Adams, internationally known for his tepid brand of middlebrow pop, wowed a packed house of pudgy 47-year-old women at the TLA on Friday night.

Croce Finally Crashes

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:10 -0400
The ubiquitous Pat Croce, who over the past decade has been involved in countless high-energy ventures, revealed yesterday that on Saturday morning, he finally crashed.

December 23, 1993 - Ailing Lawyer Succumbs to AIDS, Audience Manipulation

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:14:17 -0400
33-year-old Center City lawyer Andrew Beckett yesterday succumbed to complications from battles with both AIDS and audience manipulation, according to Dr. Karen Gillman of Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.

Deranged Voter Wishes Primary Would Never End

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:59:38 -0400
A deranged West Philadelphia Democrat is wishing that the Pennsylvania presidential primary campaign, which ends with today's statewide vote, could somehow continue until the end of all eternity.

Eagles Fan to Boo "Whoever"

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:59:24 -0400
With the 2008 NFL Draft just days away, Eagles fan Glenn Bristol is reporting that he will once again travel to New York City to boo whoever the Eagles happen to choose.

Brand-New Flyers Fan Not Fooling Anybody

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:59:21 -0400
Acquaintances of self-proclaimed Flyers fan Joel Harrison are asserting that the 33-year-old's interest in hockey coincided precisely with the team's exciting first-round playoff series against the Washington Capitals.

Wheeled Penis-Cop Initiative a Success

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:59:05 -0400
As the Philadelphia Police Department concludes its weeklong test of the Segway scooter, officials are declaring the initiative, in large part meant to better help officers look like giant, rolling erections, a rousing success.

Graffiti Clearly Saffron's

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:59:02 -0400
Furious representatives of recently-graffitied condominiums throughout Philadelphia insist that the rash of vandalism is the handiwork of Philadelphia Inquirer architecture critic Inga Saffron.

Phil to Murder Gus

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:58:42 -0400
Punxsutawney Phil, Jefferson County's beloved weather-forecasting groundhog, revealed yesterday that he is plotting to murder Gus, the Pennsylvania Lottery's groundhog pitchman.

O! Cereal!

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:58:33 -0400
The Insufferable Gourmand Nick Rickles

Johnny Rockets Wows History-Loving Tourists

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:58:29 -0400
The Baxter family, of Shawnee, OK, yesterday reported that their weekend trip to Philadelphia's historic sites had been immeasurably enhanced by a Sunday-afternoon meal at South Street's Johnny Rockets outlet.

May 3, 1872 - Beaver College Looks to Dignified Future

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:58:10 -0400
Upon bestowing the proud title of Beaver College upon its university, faculty and student body alike are predicting a dignified future for the institution, located in the happily eponymous burg of Beaver, Pennsylvania.

City Vows Control Over Casinos' Shrubbery

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:51 -0400
In the wake of recent State Supreme Court decisions that all but assure that Philadelphia will have little control over the construction of two Delaware Avenue casinos, city officials yesterday vowed to, at the very least, dictate the gaming houses' choice of decorative shrubbery.

God on Sixers' Side Following Christian Rocker's Performance

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:46 -0400
Following Friday's postgame concert by Christian rocker Jeremy Camp, the Sixers now believe that God Himself will be firmly on their side as they head into the 2008 postseason.

Phillies Honor Robinson With Dollar Dog Night

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:41 -0400
During tonight's game, the Phillies will celebrate the 61st anniversary of Jackie Robinson's major-league debut in a manner that the Dodgers legend would have surely approved¥ãwith Hatfield Phillies Franks Dollar Dog Night.

Report: Dougherty Not Kidding

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:35 -0400
Philadelphia's political community was stunned by yesterday's Drexel University report which found that the State Senate campaign of union head John Dougherty was not, as most have assumed, an elaborate comic prank.

Philadelphia Will Never be World-Class Without an Apple Store

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:26 -0400
In the Community, Êby Tristan Burke

Obama Enlists Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:20 -0400
In the wake of his controversial comments last week regarding rural Pennsylvanians - whom he characterized as "bitter" and clinging "to guns or religion - Barack Obama on Sunday announced the addition of Springfield's Cletus Spuckler to his campaign team.

Nearsighted Hard-Rock Fan Psyched For Lez Zeppelin

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:57:08 -0400
A nearsighted hard-rock fan is reporting that he is incredibly excited to see Led Zeppelin at World Cafe Live on Thursday evening - not realizing that he will actually be seeing Lez Zeppelin, the ambiguously lesbian Led Zeppelin tribute band.

Rodin Museum Loitered in

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:50 -0400
A Warminster couple who visited the Rodin Museum on Sunday were forced to awkwardly loiter there after realizing that the entire building consisted of just a few small galleries.

March 2, 1968 - New Stadium to Either be Named After Heroic Veterans or Bank

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:38 -0400
The name of South Philadelphia's new sports stadium became slightly clearer yesterday, as Council members revealed that the park will either be named after America's heroic war veterans or a suitably large financial institution.

Merck Unveils New Heart-Attack-Suicide Drug

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:30 -0400
Merck yesterday unveiled a revolutionary new drug that, according to company officials, will help treat patients who are in desperate need of either heart attack or suicide.

Philly Filthy Again

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:25 -0400
According to disappointed local officials and residents, Philadelphia is once again filthy¥ãjust three days after Mayor Nutter's highly-touted community cleanup, which aimed to remove 1 million pounds of trash from the city's streets, lots, and public spaces.

Clinton Promises to Make "Philly English" National Language

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:14 -0400
Embattled Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton¥ãwhose once-commanding lead over Barack Obama in Pennsylvania has dwindled steadily in recent weeks¥ãon Thursday promised to make "Philly English" the national language, if elected.

Eaton: Let's Not Expect That Every Time

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:58 -0400
Two days after Phillies starter Adam Eaton registered his strongest outing in recent memory, the righthander warned that another such performance would be highly unlikely in 2008.

Flyers Hoping Final Game Indicative of Playoffs

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:52 -0400
The Flyers, who enter the postseason as a six seed against the third-seeded Capitals, are hoping that the coming games will be as easy as Sunday's 2-0 shutout of the Penguins¥ãwhich Pittsburgh all but threw to draw the fading Senators in the playoffs' first round.

Lancaster County Turns to Puppy Mills For Tourism

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:47 -0400
Just days after conditions in its puppy mills were highlighted in an episode of Oprah, Lancaster County officials are hoping that the newfound attention will boost the area's stagnating tourism industry.

As Film Festival Begins, Ramsey Urges Caution

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:33 -0400
With the 17th annual Philadelphia Film Festival now in full swing, Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey is asking that the city's movie buffs be extremely vigilant upon making their viewing decisions.

James Fenimore Cooper Scholar Studies Rest Area

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:19 -0400
Cornell University literary scholar Reginald Pelfrey has been studying the James Fenimore Cooper rest stop, between exits 4 and 5 of the New Jersey Turnpike, to better understand the legacy of the writer of The Last of the Mohicans.

June 29, 2006 - City to Implement Bizarre Revenue Scheme

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:55:11 -0400
Philadelphia officials yesterday announced the implementation of a bizarre, Rube Goldberg-esque scheme that they say, once in place, will greatly increase the city's revenue.

Judges Swayed by "Free Mumia" Sidewalk Message

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:54:52 -0400
Members of the appellate panel which Thursday called for the re-sentencing of Mumia Abu-Jamal yesterday admitted that the decision was largely based on the words "Free Mumia" written in the sidewalk of a Center City side street.

Wheeler Upset to be Left off Phillies Roster

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:54:45 -0400
Phillies broadcaster Chris Wheeler expressed disappointment yesterday after finding that he had been left off of the team's 40-man roster, saying, "I just wanted to share my incredible baseball wisdom with the rest of the guys."

King Knows Exactly How He'd Ruin Sixers

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:54:39 -0400
Former Sixers GM Billy King asserted yesterday that, were he still in charge of the team's personnel decisions, he would know exactly how to put an end to the surging squad's suddenly promising future.

Nutter's Text Messages Predictably Unexciting

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:54:24 -0400
In the wake of last week's indictment of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Philadelphia city officials are offering assurances that Mayor Nutter's own text messages are, conversely, almost terminally unexciting.

Hey, Candidates - This is Philly!

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:54:07 -0400
Ear to the Ground, Ed Chulmsky

Corzine to Save State With Stoop Sale

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:53:55 -0400
In the face of a steadily-mounting budget crisis, New Jersey Gov. John Corzine yesterday announced plans to hold a weekend stoop sale in hopes of plugging the state's predicted $2.9 billion shortfall.

Andrew "Dice" Clay to Tear Glenside to Pieces

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:53:49 -0400
Once-controversial comedian Andrew "Dice" Clay is predicting that the tiny suburban town of Glenside will likely never recover from his Thursday-evening performance at the Keswick Theatre.

Lifehouse Fan Hoping Bland Show Alleviates Bland Existence

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:53:44 -0400
Full-time customer-service representative Marina Levanda is expressing the misguided hope that Thursday's Lifehouse show at the Electric Factory¥ãpredicted to be Philadelphia's blandest concert in months¥ãwill somehow lift her out of her similarly bland day-to-day existence.

June 16, 1752 - Franklin Discovers "Electricitie", Syphilis

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:53:28 -0400
Benjamin Franklin has today announced a pair of most curious and thrill~ing discoveries: that of the natural phenomenon which he has taken care to dub "electricitie"~~ as well as a stubborn rash upon his nimrod which he deems to be that of the dread scourge syphilis.

After Geno's Decision, Similar Signs Flourish

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:53:11 -0400
In the days following the Philadelphia Commission on Human Relations' decision to dismiss discrimination charges against Geno's Steaks owner Joey Vento, hundreds of businesses across the city have rushed to post similar notices.

Clinton Supporter Fired up For Some Reason

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:52:49 -0400
With baffling sincerity, Chestnut Hill resident Jane Wyatt is reporting that she is thrilled to vote for Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania's April 22 primary.

I-95 Commuters Praying For Collapse

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:52:46 -0400
In the wake of last week's partial closure of Interstate 95 due to a cracked support column - and the reminder that Philadelphia's section of I-95 is supported by 14 other structurally deficient bridges - many of the route's commuters yesterday expressed hope that the despised road will simply collapse.

Eskin's Brackets 100% Right, as Usual

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:52:08 -0400
Coworkers of 610-WIP personality Howard Eskin are not suprised that the popular drivetime host had so far correctly chosen all 48 winning teams in the 2008 NCAA tournament.

The Disgruntled Sportsman, Dick Gorenstein

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:52:02 -0400
Stevens Must Hold Screening of Miracle

Ancora Psychiatric Hospital to Kinda Start Paying Attention

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:51:43 -0400
Following the escapes of three potentially dangerous inmates since September, administrators at Camden County's Ancora Psychiatric Hospital have announced a bold new initiative to "kinda start paying attention."

Frida Kahlo Attendee Now Understands Artist's Pain

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:51:37 -0400
After attending a hopelessly crowded weekend showing of Frida Kahlo at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a Radnor art lover said that she now completely understood the painter's well-documented torment.

Subjects of Phila. Nightlife Book Actually "Just Real, Real Horny"

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:51:27 -0400
The city's clubgoers, bartenders, and restaurant workers are disputing many of the claims made in the newly-published Philadelphia nightlife study On the Make, by UPenn sociologist David Grazian.

June 8, 1994 - Schilling Obsessively Keeping Diary

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:51:04 -0400
Teammates of Phillies pitcher Curt Schilling are reporting that the righthander has been obsessively keeping a diary¥ãscribbling nightly entries "like his life depended on it."

SEPTA Vows to Battle Ridership Gains

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:58 -0400
SEPTA officials yesterday pledged to battle the substantial subway, trolley, and bus ridership gains that were reported by the American Public Transportation Association last week.

Muttering Crazies in Spring Training, Too

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:53 -0400
With the Phillies' spring training schedule in full swing, Philadelphia's wide-ranging community of muttering crazies is reporting that they, too, are warming up for their own regular season.

Fake Irishman Contracts Real STDs

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:47 -0400
Fake Irishman Mark Jacobson, 25, who celebrated his nonexistent Gaelic heritage yesterday with a beer-and-whiskey fueled rampage through Center City, unwittingly contracted very real cases of both pubic lice and genital herpes in the process.

Coste's Book Not Quite as Good as Ruiz's

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:33 -0400
Area book critics have begun to weigh in on Phillies catcher Chris Coste's The 33-Year-Old Rookie¥ãand agree that the new memoir is not quite as good as Ruiz on Ruiz, the competing autobiography of fellow Phillies backstop Carlos Ruiz.

Eagles Accidentally Cut Westbrook

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:25 -0400
Following the recent releases of Jevon Kearse and Takeo Spikes, the Eagles removed one more big name from their roster by yesterday cutting Brian Westbrook - but now insist that the surprising move was caused by administrative error.

Viewpoints: Save The Red Knot / Kill The Red Knot

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:50:17 -0400
By Heidi Bramson, Jersey Shorekeepers & a Horseshoe Crab Egg

Reflections on a Hot Dog

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:49:54 -0400
The Insufferable Gourmand, Nicholas Rickles

Downbeat "Baseball as America" Traces Country¥ús Decline

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:49:37 -0400
"Baseball as America," the current exhibition at the National Constitution Center, is disappointing visitors by using the sport as a metaphor for the country's social, economic, and ecological decline.

February 29, 1989 - N.W.A. Performs Philly-centric Rap

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:49:28 -0400
The hardcore rap group N.W.A. made a surprise appearance at City Hall yesterday, performing a blistering rendition of the controversial, Philadelphia-themed song "Leadership, Inc."

Suspected Terrorist Plants Headquarters in Center City

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:51:44 -0400
A suspected jihadist with known ties to Muslim terror havens such as Indonesia and Somalia is now operating from within Center City, according to worried local officials.

Nutter to Hold City Hall Screening of "Back to You"

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:49:18 -0400
Just one day after holding a City Hall screening of the series finale of The Wire, Mayor Michael Nutter yesterday announced that he will be doing the same for an upcoming episode of the FOX sitcom Back to You.

Mitchell & Ness to Design Coles' Prison Jumpsuit

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:49:11 -0400
Alton "Ace Capone" Coles, the southwest Philadelphia drug lord convicted Wednesday on conspiracy and narcotics charges, received a rare dose of good news yesterday: for the length of his sentence, Mitchell & Ness will supply him with one-of-a-kind, high-end prison jumpsuits.

Garcia Awkwardly Hanging Around Phils Camp

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:48:44 -0400
Ex-Phillie Freddy Garcia, still unsigned after a disappointing 2007 season, has been awkwardly loitering about the club's Clearwater, Fla. spring training complex, according to uneasy team players and officials.

Sixers Don't Know What's Going on, Either

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:48:40 -0400
The Sixers, who have won 8 of their last ten games to move into seventh place in the Eastern Conference playoff picture, are just as baffled by their recent success as everybody else, according to remarks made yesterday.

QVC Host Loves Products Off-Air, Too

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:48:16 -0400
Worried coworkers of QVC host John McIntyre are reporting that the 32-year-old Valley Forge resident is keenly enthusiastic about the shopping network's products¥ãeven when he is off the air.

"Magic: The Gathering" Competitor Taking No Prisoners

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:48:00 -0400
A local competitor is confident that he will emerge victorious from this weekend's "Magic: The Gathering" Grand Prix at the Convention Center, vowing, among other things, to "destroy" his opponents and "gargle with their blood."

Child Refuses to Shut the Hell up About "Sesame Street Live"

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:47:49 -0400
Five-year-old Tommy Wallingford of Bustleton "refuses to shut the hell up" about "Sesame Street Live: Elmo Makes Music", the singalong show that his exasperated parents, Frank and Patty, took him to see on Sunday afternoon.

July 1, 1989 - Fleer to Slip More Curses into Baseball Cards

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:47:11 -0400
With collectors nationwide rushing to snap up packs of Fleer baseball cards in hopes of finding the elusive Bill Ripken "Fuck Face" card, the Philadelphia-based company has announced plans to slip even more curses into its 1990 set.

Study: Rittenhouse Children More Special Than Normal Children

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:47:05 -0400
A University of Pennsylvania study, released yesterday, confirmed what had long been suspected by parents across the region: that boys and girls raised in the Rittenhouse Square neighborhood were, on average, 36% more special than their counterparts from other areas of the city.

False-Claim Article Injures PPA Worker

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:46:57 -0400
A ticketer for the Philadelphia Parking Authority was severely injured last Monday while reading a Philadelphia Inquirer article revealing the PPA's suspiciously high rate of workers' compensation claims.

Man Oddly Knowledgeable About Gay-Porn Robbers

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:46:46 -0400
Construction supervisor Gary Harbison, 29, seemed oddly knowledgeable about the twin "Gay-Porn Bandits" who were arrested last week, his newly-suspicious wife reported yesterday.

Booth Dazzles Globetrotters Crowd

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:46:30 -0400
Little-used Sixers center Calvin Booth, filling in for an ailing Globetrotter, dazzled fans and coaches during Thursday's exhibition at Penn State University.

Kearse Thanks His Many Fan

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:46:24 -0400
Jevon Kearse, whose disappointing four-year tenure as an Eagle ended with his release on Thursday, yesterday thanked the one fan who still believed in the injury-plagued defensive end.

Rendell Introduces $47 Million Soccer-Caring Initiative

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:46:17 -0400
Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell yesterday allocated $47 million in state funds to help the Philadelphia area care about its new professional soccer team, which was awarded on Thursday.

In The Community: A Serious Word From Jon Bon Jovi

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:52 -0400
By Jon Bon Jovi

Preservationists Alarmed by Wawa Closings

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:44 -0400
Philadelphia's preservationist community is expressing deep concern over Center City's rash of Wawa convenience store closings¥ãincluding the loss of the venerable Rittenhouse Square location late last week.

February 4, 2005 - Belichick Taking Offensive Preparations in Stride

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:27 -0400
New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick calmly admitted yesterday that, with just two days left until Super Bowl XXXIX, he had not yet prepared a specific offensive game plan¥ãsimply saying, "We'll see what they're doing, and we'll react to it."

Nutter Holding After-School Program in His Office

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:21 -0400
In response to controversy surrounding his $21 million cut from a child-welfare organization's budget, Mayor Michael Nutter has taken it upon himself to look after those children whose after-school programs were closed as a result.

Alma De Cuba Owner Starr Expounds on Castro

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:06 -0400
Philadelphia restaurateur Stephen Starr dazzled a crowd at the University of Pennsylvania last night with a two-hour lecture on Fidel Castro, whose nearly half-century reign as Cuba's president ended abruptly last week.

Tour Guides Deny Need For Testing

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:45:02 -0400
Philadelphia's tour guides and operators are up in arms over pending Council legislation that would require all bus and trolley guides to pass an exam designed to test their knowledge of the city¥ãwith one angrily saying, "I know that's Ben Franklin up there on City Hall, okay?"

Flyers: Petey Don't Like us No More

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:44:39 -0400
Following ex-Flyer Peter Forsberg's announcement last night that he would be returning to the Colorado Avalanche, current Flyers insisted that, had the team not been enmeshed in a ten-game losing streak when Forsberg was mulling his decision, he would have returned to Philadelphia.

Phils Savoring Lidge's Pitch

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:44:34 -0400
Three days after closer Brad Lidge tore a leg muscle while throwing his first pitch of spring training, the 95-mph fastball was already gaining legendary status among Phillies teammates and officials alike.

Wilmington Mayor Demands Boost in Junk-Mail

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:44:28 -0400
In the face of America's growing desire for unsolicited credit-card offers, Wilmington Mayor James M. Baker yesterday announced a bold new initiative designed to greatly increase the city's already-prodigious junk-mail output.

City Excited For Another Goddamn Flower Show

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:44:10 -0400
Organizers and city residents alike are reporting near-unprecedented excitement for the goddamn 2008 Philadelphia Flower Show, saying that "our panties are simply dung-packed with anticipation."

Philly's Hot New Dining Trend: Getting Ripped Off

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:57 -0400
Philadelphia's fine-dining community has been swept off its feet in recent months by the electrifying "small plate" trend, which offers diners the exciting chance to pay extravagantly for near-microscopic portions of food.

December 14, 1934 - Young Chomsky a Real Pain in the Tuchus

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:33 -0400
The Chomsky family, of the city's East Oak Lane neighborhood, yesterday reported that their young son, Noam, has developed the vexatious habit of questioning nearly all that he sees¥ãdespite the fact that he is merely six years of age.

With Kahlo Exhibit, City Catches Unibrow Fever

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:28 -0400
Excitement surrounding the Philadelphia Museum of Art's new Frida Kahlo exhibition, opening tomorrow, has caused many in the city to catch "unibrow fever"¥ãwith art lovers of all stripes using makeup, face-paint, and pasted-on hair to form their own Kahlo-esque unibrows.

Man too Miserable to Care About "Miserable City" List

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:22 -0400
Citizens across the region were upset by last week's Forbes magazine article listing Philadelphia as the country's fifth-most miserable city¥ãBut Kensington resident Bernie Richardson has managed to shrug off the report, calling it "stupid and useless¥ãjust like everything else around here."

Street Falsely Editing Wikipedia Page

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:13 -0400
After almost three decades of nearly continuous public service, former Philadelphia Mayor John Street appears to be at loose ends, with his wife reporting that he now spends close to six hours each day adding falsehoods to his Wikipedia page.

Helms Practicing in Jeans, Sneakers

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:43:06 -0400
At yesterday's first position-player workout of 2008, Phillies third baseman Wes Helms practiced in the team's red-and-white jersey and cap¥ãbut wore jeans and sneakers in lieu of standard uniform pants and cleats.

The Disgruntled Sportsman

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:42:58 -0400
For the Love of Sweet Christ, Just Miss the Playoffs

Rendell: PA Residents Not Ready For Refrigeration

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:42:50 -0400
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell stirred controversy Sunday when, in a meeting with editors of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, he opined that some Pennsylvanians were "simply not ready" for the electric refrigeration of food and beverages.

Star Wars Exhibit Jumbled, Difficult to Follow

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:42:40 -0400
Visitors to The Franklin Institute's new "Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination" exhibit have been disillusioned to report that the attraction is poorly conceived, difficult to follow, and "hopelessly full of holes."

Spice Girls to Play Apocalyptic New Songs

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:42:28 -0400
Spice Girls fans across the region are tamping down their excitement for tonight's "Return of the Spice Girls" concert at the Wachovia Center, with previous tour stops revealing a mixture of both old hits and newer, bleaker material.

January 28, 1985 - Cosby: Black Community Must Eat More Jell-O Snacks

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:42:22 -0400
Actor and comedian Bill Cosby offered a stinging critique of the black community on Wednesday, insisting that, in order to prosper, the country's minorities "must eat more delicious Jell-O snacks."