“Taguchi’s Coochies” Give up
August 26, 2008 –
The rowdy group of Phillies fans known as "Taguchi's Coochies"–who dress as giant vaginas to cheer on leftfielder So Taguchi–yesterday announced that they are giving up. "It's been a tough season, what with So hitting .210 and barely playing anyway," said dejected head Coochie Wallace Dodds, slumped in his costume in his upper-deck seat at Citizens Bank Park. "It's time to move on. Hopefully I can catch on with one of the other groups, like Utley's Uglies–or maybe even Kendricks' Hendrix."
Other members of the nine-person club said they had felt seasonlong pressure to scrap their giant foam costumes. "In the beginning of the year, the only thing we were worried about was, y'know, dressing like big pussies," said Coochie Wayne Pegg. "But then So turned out to be a bust, and doing the labia flap-dance just wasn't that fun anymore." Rachel Ganz, the only female member of the group, agreed. "It's really hard to root for someone who everyone despises, and the outfits haven't helped matters," she said, adjusting the oversized clitoris at her neck. "I just wish I'd joined Chase's Chicks or Burrell's Girls."
The 39-year-old first-year Phillie, meanwhile, was baffled when told of the group's demise. "I do not know of these 'coochie,' " Taguchi frowned confusedly. "And I am sorry, but I do not hear very much cheering, anyway." Following Dodds' announcement, it seemed that such rare cheers would become even harder to come by. "It didn't take long to see that cheering for So would be pretty much impossible," he said. "Also, dressing like a giant snatch isn't nearly as fun as it sounds."
|
| |
         |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
|
|
Eaton Demoted to Little League
August 26, 2008 –
Phillies pitcher Adam Eaton, who has struggled since his demotion to the minor leagues in late July, has been demoted once again–this time to Sandy's Restaurant of the Schuylkill River Park Little League. "We're trying to find a level at which Adam can feel comfortable," said assistant GM Ruben Amaro, Jr. of the pitcher, who has posted an 0-4 record and an 8.03 ERA between Single-A Lakewood and Double-A Reading. "The way he's been throwing, though, we've come to the conclusion that that level is, unfortunately, Little League."
 Eaton remained remarkably diplomatic about the humiliating reassignment. "If that's the move [the Phillies] want to make, then I guess I have to go along with that," he shrugged, cleaning out his locker at Reading's FirstEnergy Stadium. "It's tough to take, no doubt about it... but at the same time, I think I'll do well there. I mean, I'll be pitching to little kids." Reading pitching coach Tom Filer, though, had less confidence in Eaton, who surrendered eight home runs in just 24 2/3 minor-league innings. "You'd think he'd get Little Leaguers out–but, then again, you'd think he'd get minor leaguers out, too," he frowned. "Plus, do you even realize how small an 8-year-old is? Their strike zones are tiny."
Sandy's manager Doug Watkins, meanwhile, was pleased to be adding a former major-leaguer to his roster. "We've got a big game on Saturday against Bosco Roofing, and we could really use [Eaton]," he said. "I mean, at the very least, he won't slow up the game by eating his boogers on the mound." Bosco first baseman Daniel Laurence, 7, though, looked forward to facing the 6'2", 200-lb. 30-year-old. "I saw [Eaton] on TV, and I'm not scared," he asserted, clumsily swinging an aluminum bat in his backyard. "If he's pitching, there's no way we're gonna lose!" |
| |
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
