Eagles Fans Show Deep Understanding of Psychiatry
August 12, 2008 –
In the wake of All-Pro guard Shawn Andrews' admission that his absence from training camp had been caused by depression, area Eagles fans displayed their incredibly thorough knowledge of psychiatry. "Hey, I was depressed the other night 'cause Vicki didn't wanna ride the baloney pony," self-professed mental health expert Tino Regan, 37, of South Philadelphia, said yesterday. "But you don't see me not goin' to work the next day, do ya?"
Other Eagles fans were every bit as insightful. "[Andrews is] just makin' it up so he doesn't have to go to training camp like everybody else," theorized armchair psychiatrist Teddy Jackson, 40, of West Philadelphia. "And anyway, whenever I'm depressed, I just go down to Rita's and get a water ice. Maybe he should try that." According to Conshohocken's Derek Ruffin, 49, "Now, I'm no Johnny Freud or nothin', but the whole thing smells a little fishy to me. Walk it off, Shawn!"
Other mental-health experts, however, took a different view of Andrews' sickness. "Clinical depression is a very serious problem, and is every bit as debilitating as a physical illness," said Drexel University psychiatry professor Gina Cowling. "People need to give this young man the benefit of the doubt." Regan, though, used his ever-probing mind to produce his own diagnosis. "What does Shawn Andrews have to be depressed about, anyway? I mean, did his goldfish die or somethin'? 'Cause I know I got real sad when that happened to me." |
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Burrell Unfamiliar With Concept of Love
August 12, 2008 –
Phillies leftfielder Pat Burrell made a heartbreaking confession yesterday: that he is unfamiliar with the human concept of love. "In my first eight years here, I felt only anger and hate," he intoned in a stilted, otherworldly dialect, his all-black eyes fixed to the sky. "Yet now Philadelphia likes me. I hear cheers: 'We love you, Pat.' I do not understand."
For shortstop Jimmy Rollins, a teammate of Burrell's since 2000, the admission was bittersweet. "It's great that Pat's finally getting some respect, and it was definitely cool to see everyone try to get him into the [2008] All-Star Game," he said. "But he can't really process it. He's never felt anything like it before." Houston Astros GM Ed Wade, who drafted Burrell when with the Phillies in 1998, agreed. "Pat comes from a place far, far away, and when he arrived, he thought that humans were only capable of meanness. He had no idea that they could show love, too."
Burrell, for his part, hoped that he could become adjusted to the unfamiliar new emotion. "Everyone says that love is nice. That it is a good thing to feel," he said, rubbing the triangular green symbol on his forearm. "Perhaps if I keep hitting the ball, the people will love me. And I will understand." His wife, Michelle, a human, was overjoyed. "I've tried to show Pat what love is, but he's never gotten it," she choked, tears of joy running down her cheeks. "But I think it's finally starting to come through. Thank you, Philadelphia. Thank you."
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