S. Korea Devastated by Park’s Demotion
May 26, 2009 –
During Spring Training, pitcher Chan Ho Park cited his patriotic duty as he worked to secure an eventual spot in the Phillies’ rotation: “Starting is important for me and my career and the fans in Korea,” he said, hoping that regular starts would serve as a balm for his recession-wracked homeland. But following the struggling veteran’s demotion to the bullpen last week, South Korea’s hopes and fortunes have also plummeted. “Industry has ground to a halt, the won is dropping, there is growing unrest,” South Korean Prime Minister Han Seung-soo said at a grim Seoul news conference on Friday. “For the sake of our future as a sovereign nation, we respectfully ask Charlie Manuel to reconsider.”
Despite such pleas, the manager seemed unlikely to change his stance. “Chan Ho’s had a rough go of it, and I just don’t know how much longer I could’ve stuck with him,” he said, referring to Park’s 7.08 ERA and 1.69 walks/hits per inning. “I’m sorry if [the demotion has] increased unemployment [in South Korea], but we’ve got our own stuff to deal with.” According to pitching coach Rich Dubee, “At the end of the day, we just feel a bit more confident with [J.A.] Happ in the back end of the rotation,” he said. “Maybe [South Koreans] can get up at 3 A.M. to watch him pitch.”
Residents of the Southeast Asian peninsula nation rejected such a notion. “We do not want to watch Jay-Hay Happ, because he is not one of us, like Chan Ho Park,” spat Gwangju resident Yi So-Duc. “Even when he give up seven runs in four and two-thirds innings [against the New York Mets], it still provides us the happiness we needed.” For Park, such testimony was wrenching. “It pains me to see what has happened to my country in the matter of one single week,” he lamented. “[Former President] Roh Moo-Hyun even committed suicide. If only I could've located my fastball.” |
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World Series Trophy to Replace 12% of Staff
May 26, 2009 –
Executives within Ardmore’s struggling Hansen Insurance Co. yesterday admitted that they had entered Major League Baseball’s “Take the Trophy to Work Day Sweepstakes” in hopes of replacing 4 workers, or 12% of total staff, with the two-foot-tall sterling silver trophy. “The bottom line is, revenues are way down, and we’re going to have to do some streamlining,” said regional manager Dennis Bonner, motioning towards his staff in the dreary, run-down office. “And besides—Pete, over in accounts receivable? I don’t think a 30-lb. trophy could do any less than that guy.”
 Hansen employees, while intrigued by the possibility of working alongside the Commissioner’s Trophy on July 27, were nervous that they would be replaced by the Tiffany-made prize. “When I heard about the sweepstakes, I was pretty excited,” said sales representative Warren Guss, 47, his happiness edging into anxiety. “But I’m afraid that I might get the axe. I mean, in the last six months, I’ve sold as many policies as that trophy has.” Guss’ coworker, Audrey Bennison, 56, had similar concerns. “We’re all Phillies fans, so it would be great to have [the trophy] here,” she said from her fluorescent-lit cubicle. “In fact, it would be so great that nobody’d notice the empty desks until it was too late.”
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig warned that the winning firm was not to use the trophy to distract from, or lead to, company firings. “We came up with a very specific set of rules as to the use of the Commissioner’s Trophy,” he said by telephone from Milwaukee. “It’s meant to be a cause for celebration, not downsizing.” Bonner, though, seemed unlikely to heed Selig’s call. “Our numbers are down 34% from this time last year,” he said worriedly, holding up a thin stack of sales slips. “And that trophy’s worth 15 grand. That’s a hell of a lot less than four salaries, plus benefits.” |
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