Pitchers No Longer Listening to Moyer
May 12, 2009 –
Phillies pitchers yesterday admitted that they were no longer heeding the advice of veteran southpaw Jamie Moyer, whose ERA has ballooned to an astounding 7.26. “In the past, I’ve been all ears when it comes to what Jamie has to say [about pitching],” said Cole Hamels, 25, who often converses with Moyer during games. “But when a guy’s getting pounded the way he has… well, it just makes you rethink a few things.”
Young reliever J.A. Happ agreed. “The other day, [Moyer] was trying to give me some tips on my cutter,” he said, leaning back in a bullpen chair. “I was nodding and smiling and everything—but, to tell you the truth, I was thinking about what I wanted for dinner that night. Salisbury steak.” 28-year-old righty Joe Blanton had become similarly disengaged from Moyer, who in 2009 has struggled to locate his 80-mph fastball. “When Jamie was striking guys out left and right, sure, I’d want to know what he’d have to say,” he said. “But he’s putting up Adam Eaton numbers right now. And I sure as shit wouldn’t listen to Adam Eaton.”
The 46-year-old Moyer seemed hurt by his fellow pitchers’ early-season disinterest. “Look, I might not be getting it done right now, but that doesn’t mean what I have to say is any less valid [than before],” he said, exasperation edging into his voice. “But I guess I can understand. I wouldn’t take advice from someone who's been serving up meatballs, either.” Hamels, for his part, meant no disrespect to the 22-year veteran. “Jamie’s a great guy, and he’s really been like a father to me the past few seasons,” he said, smiling tenderly. “But the thing is? He’s actually pitching like my dad now.” |
| |
         |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
Al From Pennsauken to Coach Sixers
May 12, 2009 –
76ers GM Ed Stefanski wasted no time in filling the team’s vacant head coaching position, this morning announcing that frequent WIP-AM caller Al From Pennsauken would succeed interim head coach Tony DiLeo, who stepped down yesterday. “With his insightful views and unique analysis, Al From Pennsauken is a natural fit to lead this team,” said Stefanski at a hastily-called news conference. “It’ll be a pleasure to watch his on-the-air theories translate to on-the-court success.”
Analysts hailed the bold hiring of the previously-unemployed 46-year-old, who has never coached any sport at any level. “It’s a bit of a risk, sure, but I think it’s exactly what this team needed,” said Philadelphia Inquirer Sixers beat writer Kate Fagan. “Whether he’s telling [WIP host] Howard [Eskin] that Andre Miller is the best player in the East, or that [center Samuel] Dalembert should be traded for Dwayne Wade, you can tell that he really understands the game.” WIP’s Angelo Cataldi agreed. “Whenever Al From Pennsauken called to talk Sixers, I’d always say to myself, ‘This guy’s an absolute genius,’ ” he marveled. “I mean, we’re talkin’ Phil Jackson; John Wooden. It was only a matter of time ‘til this happened.”
At the news conference, the bleary-eyed, unshaven Al From Pennsauken was uncharacteristically praiseful of the franchise that he had spent years bemoaning. “It’s funny, ‘cause I was gonna call this afternoon and say [the Sixers] should get Rollie Massimino or, like, John Chaney or somebody [to coach],” he said, lifting a soiled t-shirt to scratch his ample belly. “Guess I won’t have to make that call after all.” Stefanski, meanwhile, was itching to get to work on the 2009-’10 season. “We’ve got plenty of changes to make, and I’ll be listening to all of Al From Pennsauken’s suggestions,” he said, putting his arm around the new coach. Al From Pennsauken then leaned in close, whispering into Stefanski’s ear. The GM smiled. “Bring back Iverson, McKie, and Mutombo? It’s certainly worth looking into, Al.”
|
| |
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
