Ibanez Shits Ice Cream
May 5, 2009 –
Teammates of Phillies leftfielder Raul Ibanez on Sunday revealed a stunning fact about the celebrated offseason pickup: that, in addition to ranking among league leaders in batting average, home runs, and RBI, the former Mariner and Royal also produces ice cream, not feces, with his anus. “Y’know, every day, it’s like, ‘Damn, what else can this guy do?’ ” marveled pitcher Brett Myers, carrying a heaping cone of rocky road from the team bathroom. “Whether he’s getting clutch hits, making big catches, or shitting ice cream, Raul really is the total package.”
Ibanez’s teammates had similar praise for the dessert-defecating 36-year-old. “As great as Raul’s been on the field, he’s been every bit as great in the locker room,” said utilityman Greg Dobbs, eagerly spooning from a cup of Ibanez-made mint chocolate chip. “This thing with the ice cream is just one more example of that.” According to centerfielder Shane Victorino, “Ibby can do no wrong, it seems like,” he smiled, reaching into a box of sugar cones that the team now keeps near the bathroom door. As he entered, a cone in each hand, he added, “I mean, he can make any flavor he wants. As much as I loved the guy, Pat [Burrell] could never do that.”
The treat-crapping MVP candidate was typically modest about his unique colonic skill. “It’s no big deal, you know? Just like everything else, I’ve worked hard at it, and good things have come as a result,” he said from within a closed bathroom stall. After a brief, grunting pause, Ibanez’s hand appeared under the door with a fresh cone of rum raisin. “Hey, would you mind giving this to Charlie for me?” Manager Charlie Manuel, upon receiving the refreshing sweet, could only shake his head. “Raul has just totally exceeded expectations in every phase of the game,” he gushed, grinning as he sampled the delicious treat. “Mmm-mm! What a great guy to have on our club.” |
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Sixers on Track For 2134 Championship
May 5, 2009 –
Following the 76ers’ third consecutive first-round playoff exit, satisfied team officials yesterday said that the middling squad looked to be on track to win the 2134 NBA Championship. “At this rate, we should reach the second round in 2041,” beamed GM Ed Stefanski of a franchise that has made the playoffs five times since the ’01-’02 season—and reached the conference semifinals just once in that period. “And if everything goes according to plan, by 2096 we’ll overtake the Nova Scotia Canoesmen for Eastern Conference supremacy.”
Head scout Courtney Witte was likewise encouraged by the team’s glacial progress. “In the Orlando series, you could see that these guys were absolutely ready to take the next step,” he said of the team’s latest first-round exit. “Or, you know, not these guys exactly, but maybe their sons.” Assistant coach Jim Lynam had similar words. “I understand that fans might be getting a little frustrated with what they see as a lack of progress,” he said of the Sixers’ relentless mediocrity. “But they should know we’ve got everything mapped out—and it’ll all come together for their great-great-grandchildren to enjoy.”
Four-year veteran Andre Iguodala, however, admitted to wanting to reach the NBA Finals sometime before Greenland vanishes. “You know, [the front office says] they’ve got a plan, and I respect that,” he grumbled, once again attending to an early-May locker-cleaning. “I just wish that I’d actually be alive when it pays off.” Stefanski, for his part, urged patience. “You know, they say that hunger makes the best sauce,” he smiled. “So when our 133-year strategy finally comes to fruition, it’ll ‘taste’ that much better. Especially because, by then, humankind will subsist on a combination of protein tablets and Soylent Green.”
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