Unseen Force Now Fucking With Wheeler
April 21, 2009 –
Phillies announcer Chris Wheeler yesterday reported that for the past eight days, an “unseen force” has been tormenting him—spilling his coffee, poking him in the eye, and, in one case, flipping his toothbrush straight into the toilet. “I don’t know what it is, but ever since we were down in Washington, something’s been constantly messing with me,” he moaned from the booth at Citizens Bank Park before the team’s rained-out game against the San Diego Padres. He paused to watch his pregame tuna sandwich slide off the table and into the garbage. “My sandwich! Did you see that? Did you fucking see that?”
 Fellow broadcaster Gary Matthews related one of the many bothersome phenomena that had befallen Wheeler since approximately 1:20 last Monday afternoon. “I know it sounds crazy—but on Friday, his coffee levitated in front of him—and then flipped over, right into his lap,” he said, holding back a smile. “Second-degree burns, as I understand it. Whatever’s causing this, it doesn’t seem to like Chris very much at all.” Color man Larry Andersen agreed. “[Wheeler] kept smacking himself in the head yesterday, and I’m going, ‘Wheels—what the hell are you doing?’ He just looked at me as it’s happening, all terrified, and goes, ‘I’m not doing it! I’m not doing it!’ ”
Phillies radio announcer Scott Franzke wondered if beloved late announcer Harry Kalas wasn’t somehow behind the ghostly assaults. “I’m not one of those X-Files types, but Wheels wasn’t exactly on Harry’s Christmas list,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Maybe Harry finally has a chance to, you know, do some things he’s wanted to do for years.” Wheeler, though, dismissed such talk out-of-hand. “No, no—I don’t think Harry has anything to do with it,” he scoffed. “Harry and I were—” he stopped abruptly, blinking and shrieking in pain as something jabbed at his eye. “Goddamn it! Fuck! My eye!” |
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Hamels to Adopt Kendrick
April 21, 2009 –
Phillies ace Cole Hamels yesterday revealed that he and his wife, Heidi Strobel, were looking to add a third member to their family: Lehigh Valley IronPigs pitcher Kyle Kendrick. “We were looking to adopt from Malawi, but the rules over there are really restrictive,” said Hamels, 25, of the impoverished African nation, which requires that adoptive parents live in the country for 18 to 24 months. “But Heidi and I are totally committed to giving a better life to someone less fortunate. And who’s had it tougher than poor little Kyle?”
Kendrick, 24, once projected as a mainstay of the Phillies rotation—but now languishing in the rugged wasteland of triple-A—seemed cheered by the star’s benevolence. “It would be very nice, to live with them,” he said shyly at his mud-encrusted locker, gnats buzzing around his eyes. “Please, Cole… please to take me away from this place.” IronPigs manager Dave Huppert seemed touched by the display. “I would be most unglad to see Kyle go,” he admitted, chewing on a fatty hunk of goat meat in his dimly-lit, spear-filled office. “But the poor fellow has had a difficult time, truly… and I don’t see things getting very much better for him here.”
Critics, meanwhile, wondered why Hamels and Strobel were looking to adopt so far afield. “There are so many in the Philadelphia area who need to feel loved and cared for—why go all the way to Allentown?” asked PA Adopt’s Teri Willingham. “Why not adopt a member of the [Camden] Riversharks, for example? Most of them won’t ever make it [in the majors], either.” Hamels, though, seemed determined to take the suffering, noodle-armed righty into his home. “Kyle will never know what it’s like to be a bona fide stud, or to have people wear shirts with his name on the back,” he said, pursing his lips as he fought back tears. “We may not be able to give that to him… but we’ll give him a chance to be close to it. It’s all we can do.” |
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