Toll Bros. Reports Drop in Soul-Sucking Home-Building Revenue
November 18, 2008 –
Horsham-based developer Toll Brothers Inc. last week announced a sharp decline in revenues from the construction of its appallingly wasteful, soul-sucking McMansions. “Cancellations tied to the struggling economy have led to a 30 percent drop in our fourth-quarter profits,” said Toll Bros. Chief Executive Robert Toll. “The slowdown in orders for our spiritless, earth-scarring sarcophagi led to profits of $691 million—down from $1.17 billion in 2007.”
 Analysts agreed that sales of the echoing, vaultlike luxury shitboxes would not soon rebound. “We’re seeing contraction in all phases of home sales and construction, and characterless, death-welcoming tombs like those slapped together by Toll Bros. are no exception,” said Grant Vess, of the Pennsylania Realtor’s Association. “It may be years before consumers can once again spend $800,000 to avoid people of different racial, religious, and economic backgrounds.” That outlook was echoed by Stuart Green of Prudential Real Estate. “Rising rates of foreclosure and increasing job worries have greatly reduced interest in Toll Bros.’ ennui-inducing monstrosities. At the moment, people just can’t afford homes large enough to separate themselves from their sexually aloof spouses and hateful children, letting them all slip into the stiff embrace of near-alien formality.”
Prospective homebuyers, though, clung to the hope that they could one day lead grotesquely scentless, Invasion of the Body Snatchers-esque existences. “Ever since they bought the land and plowed under the old orchard, we’ve wanted a place at Winchester Farms,” said Lynn Seagle, 44, of Newtown, looking out at a cluster of deadening, Kubrickian eyesores. “The way things are right now, though, it’s probably best that we wait things out—then mortgage ourselves into oblivion to squander our lives like fattened, sedated lab rats.” Toll, for his part, remained optimistic that the psyche-raping conglomerate would remain viable far into the future. “For decades, Americans have indulged their latent racism and xenophobia in these socially-stratified, gasoline-dependent compounds—and the current crisis won’t change that,” he said, sitting in an airless Lansdale model home. “When things rebound, we at Toll Bros. will be right there with our chainsaws, particle board, and pesticides.”
|
| |
         |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
