 In the Community
Hey, Can I Come to Your Cuddle Party?
Derek Bodkin, Newtown Square
Hey, there–I, uh, I saw that thing about your "cuddle parties" in the paper the other day? You know, them things where everyone just kinda lays around on the floor and, like, nuzzles up on each other? Um... that really sounded pretty cool, is what I'm trying to say... and I guess what I wanna know is, um... can I come to your cuddle party?
Now, before you answer, there are a few things you should maybe know about me. First is the smell down in m' panty-loons. I got this thing where I just can't control my, uh, well, m' sweet puckered asshole, if you gotta know. It's probably something to do with the pork rinds, but I don't know if I can stop eating those... 'specially the mesquite BBQ ones? Christ on a mule, I could eat them all day! I guess I kind of do, don't I? But, yeah, you should know that when you're down there with me on the fluffy pillows in your cozy lil' PJs, it might get to smellin' like pork-rind beefies. Hopefully that's not a problem.
Number two, and kinda related to the first, is the belchin'. I dunno if it's some kinda acid reflux or what, but I just gotta warn you, if we're down there, gettin' our nestle on, I might just blow a warm one right across the back of your neck. Now, I'm not tryin' to gross you out; I'm just sayin', there's a good chance that the Stouffer's chipped beef on toast is gonna repeat on me, and I don't wanna scare ya. But your thing there sounded pretty inclusive and whatnot, so a little hot 'n sour throat-stink shouldn't disqualify me, right?
The third thing, and I'm just being frank here, no pun intended, is the boners. I dunno what it is, but I get boners like, easy as anything. I'm sort of gettin' a little tingle-wingle right now just talkin' about it, if you wanna know the god's honest truth. Yup. There he goes. See, and I don't know if I can keep the ol' giraffe from stretchin' his neck, 'specially if I'm cuddlin' up with some kinda female down there. Damn, it's been a long time since I've touched any kinda lady, Bev not included, accourse. I know these cuddle parties aren't supposed to be sexual, but, y'know, tell that to m' rock-solid thigh-sticker.
There are a few other things you might wanna know about me, like about these boils, and the foot smell, and my thing about grabbin' asses, but we can get into that later. Just let me know when the next one of them cuddle dealies is, and I'll put on my sweats and be right over!
Hot damn–see you then!
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