“Staycation” the Most Depressing Thing Ever
August 19, 2008 –
A Schwenksville family yesterday reported that their weeklong "staycation"–in which they are vacationing in their backyard to combat high gas prices–was the most depressing thing ever. "There's all this stuff in the news trying to make 'staycations' sound all fun, but this has been the absolute worst," complained Jerry Ravitz, 34, as he lay in a lukewarm wading pool, empty cans of Miller Lite bobbing alongside him. "We probably should've just sucked it up and gone to Ocean City like always."
 Ravitz's wife, Josephine, 33, agreed. "I put up the badminton net for the kids, and I've been making my special hot dogs, you know, to make it fun," she said, squinting up from a rusty lawn chair. "But the 'fun' lasted about two minutes. I don't know if I can take six more days of this." The couple's seven-year-old son, Evan, elaborated. "This is so boring!" he moaned, sullenly tossing a Nerf ball to his three-year-old sister, Marina. "This is our stupid backyard. I wanna go to the beach!"
Jerry Ravitz pledged to never again subject his family to such a lackluster "vacation." "I don't care if gas is $800 a gallon–from now on, we've gotta go somewhere," he vowed, standing up unsteadily in the pool. "A 'staycation' isn't a vacation, even if it has a 'fun' name–it's just more sitting on your ass at home." Evan Ravitz had similar words. "I hafta go to school [in September], and I didn't even get to make a sandcastle," he moped, kicking disinterestedly at a deflated soccer ball. "This is the worst staycation ever."
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Boscov’s Underwear Models Untroubled by Bankruptcy
August 12, 2008 –
Underwear models for Reading's troubled Boscov's department store are unconcerned by the chain's decisions last week to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and close 10 of its 49 stores. "Sure, it'll affect Reading; Boscov's is one of the city's biggest employers," said Dan Kane, 23, grinning as his penis bulged disconcertingly through a pair of Hanes Red Label briefs. "But this underwear is so comfortable, I just don't feel like thinking about their problems right now."
 Other underwear models agreed. "It stinks that an independent company like Boscov's is having so much trouble," said Martina Kunze, 25, her arm cocked to the side as she stood in a Jockey No Wire cotton bra and matching Comfies microfiber brief. "But I'm kind of like 'whatever' about it. I mean, I'm just so cozy." According to Darren Miller, 24, "Just look at how these boxer briefs both cradle and allow for some freedom down there," he said, pulling suggestively at the waistband of his Hanes Classics. "Now's not really the time to think about bankruptcy and whatnot."
Boscov's analysts, however, took a far more serious view of the company's predicament. "Consumer spending is flat, and the retail department store business as a whole is struggling," acknowledged spokeswoman Geraldine Jenkins. "I understand how comfy [the models] are, but at the same time, we wish they'd understand the gravity of the situation." Kunze, though, was nonplussed. "I'll leave all that business stuff up to the guys in the suits," she laughed, her gaze an odd mixture of chastity and desire. "I'm just really loving this underwear right now, is the thing."
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