Dogpark Refurbishment Leads to Improved Ball-Sniffing, Ass-Licking
August 5, 2008 – Licking
A $500,000 renovation of Upper Dublin's Harris Playground dog-run has led to a dramatic improvement in canine ball-sniffing and ass-licking, according to pleased frequent visitors. "Before [the renovation], she'd sniff other dogs' butts and whatnot, but she never seemed that into it," said Gary Jennings, 31, speaking of his German shepherd, Lucy. "But now, she really gets up in there. I think it's the fresh woodchips."
 The refurbishment–which included the replacement of two tons of woodchips, the installment of a deluxe doggie water fountain, new fencing, and a half-acre expansion of the park's total area–was funded with taxpayer money, "and worth every penny," according to Upper Dublin Councilman John Becker. "You might think those funds should probably go to schools, infrastructure, food pantries; things of that nature. But when you see just how eager the ass-licking is now, you realize that it was money well spent."
Brenda Preston, 40, agreed. "Yosef just loves it–he sniffs balls and licks butt with a gusto he really didn't have before," she gushed, gesturing towards her testicle-chasing pug. "I've even caught him trying to eat another dog's doo-doo–and that never happened in the old park. It's almost like he's saying, 'Thank you, thank you.' " Lauren Richards, 29, was similarly pleased. "Just look at her sniff," she said, gazing at her greyhound, Anuba, as the dog avidly sampled a nearby poodle's privates. "That's worth half a million, easy."
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 Starbucks: Trouble “Brewing”?
Ear to the Ground
Ed Chulmsky
If you're like me, you've probably noticed that there sure have "bean" a lot of Starbucks shops opening in these parts over the last few years! Why, they've been sprouting up all over–sometimes one just a "scone's throw" away from another! That's why I was "brimming" with surprise when I heard the "buzz": that the Cherry Hill mall will be closing one of its Starbucks outlets at the end of the month! After all, who in the heck ever heard of a Starbucks closing? Old Ed never saw that "brewing," that's for sure!
But not all's lost, South Jersey java jockeys! There's another Starbucks in the very same mall–meaning that if you're a lover of the latte or a friend of the frappucino, you're still in luck! That's right–if you get a hankering for a cup, you won't have to go very far to get it! And that's "grounds" for celebration!
Personally, I prefer my daily cup down at the Melrose–where "everybody knows" that the coffee will be fresh, tasty, and poured with a smile! But sometimes, when I'm in the mood, I pop into the closest Starbucks and spring for a "tall"! (have you ever noticed that they have funny names for their sizes? What a crazy way to "espresso" yourself!) That's why, with the company planning to close hundreds of stores nationwide, I'm starting to get a little nervous–and that's not just the caffeine talking!
So, all you Cherry Hill "Sumatraficianados," I salute you for braving the first wave of Starbucks closings! Because drinking a nice cuppa joe sure has its "perks"–but when your favorite coffeehouse goes under, it can really make you feel like the "dregs"!
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