 Legalizing Destruction!
One Concerned Citizen
Monica Ravensworthy
Are New Jersey Senate Democrats out of their pot-wrecked minds?
Last week, they passed a bill that would “give chronically ill patients legal access to marijuana.” It is now up to the Assembly to decide whether or not the Garden State will allow the death-weed to flourish alongside its benign tomatoes, peaches, and cranberries. Because, despite what some drooling, red-eyed “experts” might say, marijuana does nothing to alleviate pain, calm nausea, or even make Dane Cook amusing. What it does do is turn its users into maniac junkies who will do anything—yes, even kill—for their next shameful “fix.”
Why on earth would anyone who is chronically ill take the dangerous step of smoking marijuana? We live, not in some Cheech and Chong Bizarro World, but in a shining beacon of greatness, a country that offers soothing medicines from companies we know we can trust: Pfizer. Merck. GlaxoSmithKline. Just writing their names makes me feel safe, healthy, and cared for.
Meanwhile, some Senators are urging the sick to fill their lungs with a lethal narcotic, illicitly harvested and sold, no doubt, by flag-burning, Disco Biscuitting veganitarians. Why, why, why would we entrust our most vulnerable to marijuana—which turns children into murderers, makes the elderly leap from high outcroppings, eats at our society like a starving Wing Bowler—when we can turn to the compassionate, loving care of trained pharmaceutical professionals?
You have pain? Take an Aspirin. You feel nauseous? Chew a Tums. You’ll feel a whole lot better than if you’d smoked a “fatty”, watched Pootie Tang, and ate two stuffed-crust mushroom pizzas. You’ll also be comforted in the knowledge that you won’t have aided the left-wing march to Sodom that now sweeps our beleaguered republic.
It’s not too late for us to wrest control of this issue from the dirty-nailed clutches of the liberal New Jersey legislature. Contact your Assemblyman immediately and say that you oppose this bongwater-stained proposal; that no matter how sick you ever become, you would sooner gnaw off your own hand than take a single toke of that vile weed.
It’s a slippery slope, people. Today: medical marijuana. Tomorrow: mandatory heroin breakfasts.
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