Medical Waste Makes Ocean Urinator Feel Better About Self
September 2, 2008 –
Serial ocean urinator Ned Rodney reported yesterday that last week's washing up of medical waste on shores in Avalon and Ocean City, NJ, made him feel better about his furtive habit. "I always feel kind of embarrassed, but, you know, it's not like my pee is hurting anyone," said the 34-year-old Jackson native, standing awkwardly in the shallows of Avalon's 20th St. beach. "But syringes and stuff like that? Now that's a different story."
 30-year-old Pete Tarasco, who often accompanies Rodney to the beach, said that his friend had long felt ashamed of his fondness for stealthy aquatic pissing. "Ned's always like, 'Why should I find a bathroom when the whole ocean's right there?'" he said, watching as Rodney moved away from a group of children in the water. "I think when the [medical waste] thing happened, it was sort of like a vindication for him." He added, "I've actually been hit with one of Ned's warm spots, but I gotta admit, I'd rather it be that than some guy's herpes needle."
Others were not so magnanimous towards the surreptitious whizzer. "He always walks out into, like, four feet of water and just stands there, all 'casual'–but it's obvious he's pissing," grimaced 20th St. lifeguard Chris Gantman. "No, it's not biohazardous–but at the same time, y'know, who wants to swim in that guy's pee?" Rodney, though, insisted that the waste incident, which is currently under investigation, had put his own transgressions into perspective. "When the syringes and swabs washed up, they shut the beaches down, called the cops, all that stuff," he said, grunting slightly as he emptied the last of his bladder into the water. "But when my pee washes up? Nothing happens, and nobody's the wiser."
|
| |
         |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
|
| |
Conshohocken Apts. Rebuilt in ½ Hr.
August 26, 2008 –
Conshohocken's 125-unit Millennium apartment complex, destroyed on Aug. 13 by a massive 8-alarm fire, was rebuilt yesterday between the hours of 11 and 11:30 A.M. "I said we'd rebuild, and that's exactly what we did," beamed developer J. Brian O'Neill from the brand-new buildings' sooty courtyard. "It's just wonderful how quickly these modern structures can go up. I mean built. Can be built. Poor choice of words."
 Area residents, meanwhile, offered mixed opinions of the newly-risen riverfront complex. "I was kind of hoping that [the fire] would teach folks to build differently–I mean, they might be 'luxury units,' but they're as cheap as can be," said longtime Conshohocken resident Allen Parsons, 58. "And this new one's all plywood and two-by-fours. Wasn't that the problem to begin with?" Elayne Travis, 44, had a different concern. "I was looking forward to less traffic, but it looks like that dream is over," she said, rolling her eyes as construction trucks left the site. "Actually, I'm surprised it took them so long to toss the thing back up."
Millennium construction workers agreed. "If it weren't for a problem with one of our nail guns, we would've been done in 15, 20 minutes," said foreman Dan McIntyre as he loaded his pickup. "And I was getting worried, 'cause we've got 75 McMansions to build out in Langhorne... and that's scheduled from noon to 1 o'clock." Regardless, O'Neill was pleased that the spindly wood beams, plastic siding, and brick façade had risen from the ashes. "This area is the center of Conshohocken's renaissance," he said, gesturing towards the faceless new development. "We simply couldn't wait one second longer."
|
| |
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
