The Philadelphia Turkey
Top Story In The City In The Region Arts & Entertainment Sports Comics Archives
 
 
After Shower Incident, Cops to Subdue Birthdays, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs
August 19, 2008 – Following the August 9 incident in which Philadelphia police officers successfully subdued a North Philadelphia baby shower, officials announced that the department will conduct similar raids on other harmless celebrations. "Our boys got [the shower] under control in a matter of minutes–macing babies and roughing up women who were in the process of drinking ice-cold Hawaiian Punch," Fraternal Order of Police head John McNesby said yesterday. "It went so well that we're expanding our focus to include birthday parties, weddings, and bar mitzvahs."

After Shower Incident, Cops to Subdue Birthdays, Weddings, Bar MitzvahsPolice Commissioner Charles Ramsey hailed the violent new initiative. "For too long, certain elements within our city have enjoyed cake and ice cream with utter impunity," he said. "But I have a message for those people: your days of slow-dancing and playing pin-the-tail on the donkey are over." Lt. Ronald Engram had similarly harsh words for the area's innocent celebrants. "If you're out there commemorating the birth of a child or entering into Jewish manhood, you'd better watch your back from now on. Operation Baby Shower was just the tip of the iceberg."

Law-enforcement watchdogs, however, were outraged by what they viewed as an increasingly anarchic police culture. "A group of women and children were assaulted by cops–two of whom were involved in the [videotaped] Brian Hall beating," said Citizens for Peace co-founder Andre Wallace. "This sort of mayhem shouldn't be allowed, let alone praised." McNesby, though, disagreed. "People can criticize our methods, but the bottom line is that our boys get results. From now on, people should think twice about having fun little family parties–and that's the way it should be."
 
FORWARD TO A FRIEND
 
 
Fumo Wishing He’d Had Luchko Deleted
August 19, 2008 – Close associates of Vince Fumo yesterday revealed that the embattled state senator now wishes he'd had former computer technician Leonard Luchko deleted–before Luchko's Aug. 8 plea agreement to testify against Fumo in his upcoming corruption trial. "Len's going to go on the stand and say, 'Vince made me delete damaging e-mails,' " predicted an aide, who requested anonymity. "Trust me, Vince would've loved to have also deleted Len before he'd turned stoolie."

Fumo Wishing He'd Had Luchko DeletedOther Fumo allies, who also requested anonymity, agreed. "[Luchko's testimony] is really going to strengthen the FBI's case," said a former campaign consultant, referring to the bureau's allegation that Fumo misused his influence for personal and financial gain. "If [Fumo] could've just pressed a button or, you know, made a phone call to make [Luchko] disappear? I think he would've done it." According to a fellow Pennsylvania senator, "Vince's reputation has been made on playing hardball. And if he'd known Luchko would sing like this... well, let's just say he would've taken action."

Fumo's lawyer, though, disputed such claims. "Leonard Luchko is obviously desperate to reduce his sentence–and, as such, his testimony will be suspect from the start," said attorney Dennis Cogan. "And besides, the FBI was able to recover those deleted e-mails. There's no reason to think they wouldn't be able to recover a deleted Luchko." The aide, however, remained adamant. "I really do think Fumo would've had Len erased if he'd had the chance. It's always good to do a little 'editing' before things get messy."
 
FORWARD TO A FRIEND
 
 
Sign Up For Weekly Email Alerts  |  RSSThe Philadelphia Turkey RSS Feed
 
Recent Headlines
200 Men Movement Going Strong
“Jogging Bandit” Praised For Healthy Lifestyle
Dranoff Unveils “FuckNeighbor Commons”
Philadelphia Business Journal Made Uncomfortable by Philadelphia Gay News
Daredevil Crosses Parkway
Anderton Happy to Be Homely
 
FootballFanatics.com
 
NEW! Philadelphia Turkey Merch