Daredevil Crosses Parkway
July 22, 2008 –
Witnesses were stunned by yesterday's successful crossing of the Benjamin Franklin Parkway by fearless Fairmount resident Marc Scheper, 28. "A crowd had gathered, so I stopped to see what all the fuss was about–and what do I see but [Scheper] on the other side of the street, getting ready to cross!" said a still-shaken Rashida Ellis, 57. "I said, 'Oh, lord, that boy is crazy!' "
 Driver Wayne Battaglini, 45, was similarly horrified. "I was zipping along there, when right around 22nd [St.], this... this guy runs out, not thirty yards in front of me," he said, clearly unsettled by the experience. "I damn near clipped him, but I can't say that I feel all that bad about it. I mean, who ever heard of crossing the Parkway?" Noelle Ash, 34, agreed. "I was walking along, and I looked up to see [Scheper] running, for his life, basically... it was either the bravest thing I've ever seen or the dumbest."
Scheper, who has previously crossed Kelly Drive and the Vine St. Expressway, acknowledged that his crossing of the notoriously pedestrian-unfriendly Parkway was unwise. "I know how nuts it probably looked to people, and, actually, I felt pretty nuts while I was running," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders. "But what can I say? I really wanted to get home." The daredevil added that he would likely not repeat such an ill-advised stunt. "I barely made it across, so, no, I think I'd probably figure out something else next time. Although, to tell you the truth, it was pretty exhilarating." |
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Anderton Happy to Be Homely
July 22, 2008 –
Edward Anderton, who in June pled guilty to a series of brazen identity thefts with his ex-girlfriend, Jocelyn Kirsch, yesterday admitted that, in light of the media storm the photogenic Kirsch has endured, "it's been pretty nice" to be homely. "Jocelyn has basically gone through hell, just because she looks awesome in a bikini," he said in an exclusive interview from Washington state, where he is awaiting sentencing Aug. 29. "On the other hand, pretty much nobody bothers me. I have to tell you, it's been great."
 Anderton's lawyer elaborated. "Media inquiries for Edward are fairly rare, and nine times out of ten, the reporter just asks about Jocelyn anyway," said attorney Lawrence Krasner. "I think he's really come to appreciate the benefits of being unappetizing." A close friend of Anderton's, who requested anonymity, agreed. "I think that at first, Eddie was a little resentful, because it's sort of like, 'Hey, what about me?' But thanks to Jocelyn, I think he's learned that, in his situation, looking like a Muppet definitely has its benefits."
The 25-year-old Anderton, for his part, said that his mediocre looks had afforded him some much-needed rest and relaxation. "Even before she entered her [guilty] plea [last week], Jocelyn was being hounded to death–all because, let's admit it, you get a hard-on just looking at her. But me? It's like I hear the crickets chirping out there. You'd be amazed by how much reading I've caught up on." He added that his so-so looks would also be a boon when he serves his expected five-year prison term. "I've heard plenty of stories about what happens to good-looking people in jail," he shivered. "Thank God I'm not one of them."
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