Council Having Awesomest Vacation Ever
July 1, 2008 –
Just two weeks into its three-month-long summer holiday, members of City Council are reporting that it is already shaping up to be the awsomest vacation of all time. "It's been, like, so fun," Maria Quiñones-Sánchez of the seventh district said yesterday, pausing to send a text message to a friend. "Like, last weekend, Bill Green's parents were away? So he had, like, the biggest party ever–with beer!"
 At-large councilman Frank Rizzo seemed to hope that September 18th–when Council is scheduled to resume–would never come. "I mean, I have to like mow the lawn and stuff, but other than that, I just get to chillax," he said, slurping on a Capri-Sun as he lolled on a hammock. "It's so much cooler than governing." Joan Krajewski, of the sixth district, agreed. "I'd totally rather be at the mall than going to City Hall every day," she said, rolling her eyes dramatically. "Me and Anna [Verna, of the second district] have been having, like, so much fun."
Mayor Michael Nutter, meanwhile, warned Council not to get too used to the extended rest. "We've got a lot of serious business to attend to when they get back–budget issues, [school] district funding, that sort of thing," he said sternly. "I know that three months is an extremely long break–but they need to stay focused." The ninth district's Marian Tasco, though, was dismissive of the mere suggestion of work. "What-ever; it's summertime–the only work I'm doing is on my tan," she giggled. "This really has been the best vacation ever. And you know what the coolest part is? I'm getting paid for it!" |
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FBI Investigating Mendte Investigation
July 1, 2008 –
The FBI announced yesterday that it was investigating exactly why the world's most powerful law-enforcement agency would squander precious time and tax dollars by investigating the online antics of a cheesy Philadelphia anchorman. "We are looking into who in our department authorized the initial raid on Mr. Mendte's home–as well as the subsequent investigation into a possible leak of bikini-photo gossip," said FBI director Robert S. Mueller at a Washington, DC news conference. "Because there are murderers, terrorists, and crime syndicates out there who are just slightly more worthy of our attention."
 Regional FBI director Louis Muntz said that an investigation into the investigation was urgently needed. "The whole affair has been a huge embarrassment to the bureau, and someone must be held accountable," he acknowledged. "Because two airhead newscasters and some hot titty photos do not a federal case make." LaSalle University criminal justice professor Patrick Rice agreed. "Right now, there are thousands of cases I'd consider more important than 'bikinigate'. It's ridiculous. They might as well investigate a silent fart in a crowded elevator."
Mendte's lawyer, Michael Schwartz, said that the recently-fired CBS3 anchor
was pleased with the FBI's latest action. "Larry is very happy that the initial investigation is being investigated," he said. "What he's been accused of is brainless and juvenile, certainly–but the FBI? I mean, come on." Mueller concurred. "There was a serious breakdown along the chain of command, resulting in a blatant misuse of resources. Even if, as some have alleged, Mendte did leak Lane's e-mails to Page Six." |
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