City to Transvestite: Please Try Harder
May 19, 2009 –
City officials and residents alike yesterday issued a desperate plea to Washington Square West transvestite Richard Moscoso: “Please try harder.” “With your smeared lipstick, torn dress, and visible bulge, you’re making us all extremely uncomfortable,” said a distressed Mayor Michael Nutter at an emotional midday rally on Dilworth Plaza. “If you’re going to walk around dressed as a woman, for God’s sake, at least put some effort into it.”
 Other speakers offered similarly impassioned entreaties to the hirsute 34-year-old, often seen aimlessly wandering the vicinity of 13th and Locust streets. “Mr. Moscoso, if you think that you look even remotely glamorous, you must understand that you’re only kidding yourself,” said Midtown Village’s Gerry Ranstead, 41, to cheers from the crowd of 850. “You need to know that Audrey Hepburn never had a unibrow, a stubbly chin, or a cheap magenta wig.” According to Center City’s Charles Wilson, 38, “Occasionally, I’ll see a transvestite and think, ‘If nobody ever found out…’ ” he admitted to a rising murmur of acknowledgement. “But there’s none of that with you, sir. We can see your scrotum from two blocks away.”
Despite the protest, Moscoso remained convinced that he was a ravishing young thing. “Just look at these gams,” he said in a gravelly baritone, displaying his legs, their thick hairs matted beneath worn-out ecru stockings. Turning, he strutted awkwardly down 11th St. in a pair of scuffed yellow pumps. “Oh, boy, do I ever have it today.” The mayor plainly disagreed. “If you’re going to continue this [transvestitism], Mr. Moscoso, I ask that you think to shave your face; pluck your eyebrows,” he said to thunderous applause. “At the very least, have the common decency to tuck it into your panties.” |
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Yoo Tortures Bunch
May 19, 2009 –
Yesterday, North Broad Street’s Inquirer Building were the site of a daring SWAT team rescue of Daily News columnist Will Bunch—believed to have been held and tortured for days by Inquirer columnist John Yoo. “We hadn’t heard from Will since he wrote that post, which was worrying,” said Daily News editor Michael Days, referring to a May 11 “Attytood” blog post critical of Yoo, an architect of the Bush administration’s torture policy. “I guess Mr. Yoo didn’t take too kindly to it.”
 SWAT leader John O’Bannon detailed the squalid conditions in which the 50-year-old Bunch was found. “He was tied up in a 6th-floor broom closet, naked and shivering on a cold, wet mattress,” he said to gathered reporters. “And, yes, it did appear that Mr. Bunch had been waterboarded.” Philadelphia Police Sgt. Keith Marazin, who helped the bleary, half-starved writer into an ambulance, added, “I’ve never seen anything like it—and all over a blog post. This Yoo guy sure doesn’t mess around.”
Yoo, meanwhile, was surprisingly forthright about his Geneva Convention-skirting act. “When you’re mortally threatened by an entity—whether that entity is a terrorist organization or a bald, bearded newpaper columnist—you must confront that threat in an appropriate manner,” he said. “I don’t expect any legal retribution, because, as with enemy combatants, the fifth and eighth amendments do not apply.” Days wasn’t so sure. “This Yoo guy, he’s a goddamn criminal in my book,” he said, clearly irate. “We’ll see what Will has to say about this when he gets out of the hospital.” |
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