Busking Restrictions to Enhance Chaos
May 12, 2009 –
As she stepped off the R5 train in Suburban Station yesterday, Marcela Juarez, 27, was looking forward to experiencing some of Philadelphia’s local culture. “Out in the suburbs, you just don’t get the angry, unhinged cursing that you get [in Philadelphia]— especially here in the station,” said the Paoli native, sidestepping a pair of slap-boxing teens. “I was really looking forward to experiencing some of that today.” Unfortunately for Juarez, the terminal’s violent cacophony was, at that very moment, being drowned out by the angelic tones of a nearby acoustic guitarist. “But then there’s this guy,” she said, gesturing towards the man, singing a Jeff Buckley ballad in a high, lilting falsetto. “What a fucking asshole.”
 Such annoyances, however, will become far rarer in August, when the city enacts just-announced restrictions on performers in Suburban and Market East stations. SEPTA officials say the move—which will force buskers to attain permits to play in four distinct zones—will ensure that visitors can appreciate the stations’ soothing chaos without being bothered by musicians and artists. “People don’t want to hear music when they get off in Philadelphia,” scoffed SEPTA spokesman Jerry Levine. “They want to be swept away by the groans of the homeless; the screams of the insane.” Terminal merchants agreed. “Because of [the performers], I can barely hear my customers curse into their phones as they wait in line,” said Wayne Solomon, a barista at Lonely Joe’s café. “It’s like, did she say, ‘He’s a fucking piece of shit’—or ‘He’ll feed the ducks a bit’? I can’t tell, ‘cause some guy’s playing Beethoven or whatever.”
Not everyone was pleased with the change. Juilliard-trained nuisance Rebecca Foster, 26, says the regulations will unnecessarily limit her free speech. “I practice at Suburban Station two, maybe three days a week,” said Foster, violin at her neck. “The acoustics are wonderful here, creating a rich, full…” the remainder of her quote was drowned out by the squealing brakes of the R3, a crying toddler, and two men arguing vociferously over Lebron James’ dominance. To Juarez, that was as it should be. “Thank god for those restrictions,” she said, frowning as she watched Foster play a section of Brahms’ Violin Concerto in D major. “I’d much rather hear a lunatic ranting about his scrotum—you know, without all this ‘harmony’ and ‘rhythm.’”
Thanks to Turkey tipster Mike Connor |
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Report: Feeley Stalker Also Harassed Detmer, Blake, Hoying
May 12, 2009 –
Local law-enforcement officials yesterday revealed that the 39-year-old woman accused of stalking Eagles backup A.J. Feeley was also suspected of harassing Koy Detmer, Jeff Blake, and Bobby Hoying. “Ms. Ayesha Muzaffar, apparently, has a thing for grade-C Eagles quarterbacks,” said Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey at a midday news conference. “So, although she is currently in custody, I would ask that Andy Hall, Marty Horn, and Tim Hasselbeck all remain vigilant.”
 News of the arrest sent shockwaves through the Eagles’ close-knit community of ex-clipboard jockeys. “It’s pretty unsettling, for A.J. to have to experience something like that,” said former third-stringer Casey Weldon from his Florida home. “I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to have somebody that interested in you.” Brad Goebel, who appeared in five games in the Eagles’ 1991 season, was similarly worried. “As someone who used to stand there like an asshole in a ballcap and shoulderpads, I can understand what A.J.’s going through,” he said from Texas. “I’ll definitely be closing the blinds tonight.”
Feeley, meanwhile, was reassured by the genuine concern of his fellow scrubs. “It’s really been great to have all these guys backing me up like this,” he said outside his 8th St. condominium, where the alleged stalking took place. “But, y’know, I guess it makes sense. After all, that is what we do.” Ramsey, for his part, was grateful that the situation had not been more serious. “Ms. Muzaffar is accused of sliding inappropriate notes under Mr. Feeley’s door—but it could have been much, much worse,” he said, displaying one of the hand-scrawled pages. “Not Mike McMahon bad—but bad all the same.” |
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