“City” Block, “The Real Estate Man” in Underground Death Match
April 28, 2009 –
Area realtors and underground cage-fighting enthusiasts alike are buzzing over yesterday’s announcement of an unprecedented death-match between Philadelphia’s most fearsome real-estate salesmen: Jeff “City” Block and Mike McCann, “The Real Estate Man.” “There’s been a rivalry building between them for years, so this was bound to happen,” said Weichert Realty’s Cindy Thomas as she inspected the unlicensed, blood-spattered Olney ring where one of the men will meet his end on Saturday. “But my money’s on Mike. That fucker fights dirty.”
 Organizer Walter Torretta was looking forward to dragging one of the Prudential employees’ limp, battered bodies from the dingy basement. “I hear Block dips his hands in hot glue, then covers ‘em with broken glass,” he said, chomping a cigar as he photocopied flyers promoting the fatal donnybrook. “And McCann’s been known to carry piano wire in his loafers. It’s gonna be brutal.” Such a prediction was music to the ears of Bella Vista resident Tad Perrotta, 31. “A few years ago, Mike McCann sold me a $250,000 ‘dream house’ that turned out to be an absolute money pit,” he said, shaking his head miserably. “So on Saturday, I’m rooting for Block to rip his goddamn lungs out.”
The combatants, as expected, were taking the life-or-death clash extremely seriously. “McCann thinks he’s going to eliminate me? He’s got another thing coming,” said a grim-faced Block, shadowboxing in a corner of his darkened Rittenhouse Square office. “First I take him out. Then I take his listings.” McCann, though, was just as confident about his survival. “Jeff Block is dead—fucking DEAD!” he howled, hurling a vase through the window of a just-listed Queen Village trinity. His chest heaving, he glowered, adding, “There isn’t room for two cleverly-nicknamed realtors in this town.” |
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 This Just In: Marrazzo a Dick
Radio Beat
Dave Heller, WHYY
Hello—I’m Dave Heller, with WHYY news.
Philadelphia City Council will begin deliberations today on—oh—excuse me… I’ve just received some late-breaking news: Bill Marrazzo, WHYY’s CEO—and my boss—is a gigantic, purple-veined dick.
The revelation follows last week’s announcement by the silk tie-wearing pork-flute that the station would be laying off seventeen employees—8 percent of total staff—to save $1.2 million in salary and benefits.
WHYY staffers were taken aback, as the bearded, throbbing vagina-spear had continually reassured employees that the station was in good economic health. At the meeting to discuss the firings, Fresh Air producer Danny Miller went so far as to volunteer a pay cut in order to help save jobs… however, the sentient third leg rejected the idea, citing the station’s need to “restructure”—a favored euphemism of bean-counting cum-sneezers everywhere.
In a February interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer, the grinning meat pendulum said that a cut in his already-controversial $740,090 salary would be “on the table” if WHYY found itself in dire financial straits. That salary would amount to 62 percent of the $1.2 million that the quivering man-root hopes to save with the layoffs.
However, it now appears that Mr. Marrazzo has changed his position, instead choosing to eviscerate his station while continuing to receive his unprecedented paycheck. He also urinates from a slit in the top of his head.
And now here’s Shadow Traffic’s Mary Cantell with a look at the roadways.
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