Saffron Rips Lemonade Stand New Asshole
June 2, 2009 –
In her Friday column, Philadelphia Inquirer architecture critic Inga Saffron ripped a Queen Village lemonade stand a new asshole—calling it “shamefully thoughtless” and “structurally abysmal.” “Not only does [the stand] block six square feet of sidewalk, creating a daunting pedestrian bottleneck, it is terribly out-of-balance with the block’s historic, well-kept rowhouses,” she wrote of the stand, set up by April Hutchinson, 7, of the 300 block of Fitzwater St. “Even worse, it seems to have been made from an overturned cardboard box—reflecting a wider local trend towards distressingly substandard materials.”
 But the piece, titled “Nightmare on Fitzwater Street,” didn’t end there. “If the stand’s slapdash construction weren’t problematic enough, its signage carries all the charm of a beggar’s placard,” she wrote. “Scrawling ‘lemonn-aide [sic] 50¢’ on a piece of neon oaktag is an insult to the meticulously-planned exteriors of nearby Cochon and James. I might even advise Licenses and Inspections to look into the matter.” She added, “While they’re at it, L&I might do well to also address Hutchinson’s scandalous lack of suitable customer facilities.”
Hutchinson, a 2nd-grader at Meredith Elementary School, seemed wounded by the critical scalding. “I just wanted to make lemonade, and sell it when it was hot out, ‘cause lemonade is fun,” she sniffed, squinting at a copy of Saffron’s column. “I don’t even know what she’s talking about. What’s ‘the unlearned lessons of Le Corbusier’?” While Saffron could not be reached for comment, her 3,000-word condemnation offered plenty of grist. “If [Hutchinson] thinks she can build without the slightest nod to aesthetics or neighborhood character, she has plenty of company,” she wrote, referring to Philadelphia’s notoriously imprudent developers. “But you’d think that she would know better—especially considering that her dreadful storefront directly abuts her parents’ otherwise elegant trinity.” |
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Elderly Gawker Ruins Couples’ Wedding Photos
June 2, 2009 –
Dismayed newlyweds citywide are reporting that a single elderly rubbernecker had ruined nearly all of their outdoor wedding pictures, unwittingly appearing in photos taken in JFK Plaza, Rittenhouse Square, and Washington Square. “When we got the proofs back, I kept seeing this little old woman, way in the background,” said exasperated bride Terry Markey, 29, of her mid-May photos, taken in Rittenhouse Square. “She must be a ‘wedding lover’… who just happened to ruin our wedding.”
 The eleven brides, who discovered the common link while on a TheKnot.com Web forum, expressed fury over the well-meaning gawker. “I know she probably just thinks it’s ‘so beautiful,’ and wants to get a closer look and everything, but Jesus Christ—she’s in every fucking shot!” fumed Ashley Graham, 27, holding up a picture of her and her new husband kissing in Love Park—with the slightly disheveled, white-haired woman grinning in the distance. “How does she even get from place to place? She’s like 100!” According to newlywed Jessica Newhan, 26, “You know, she’s probably really nice and is just kind of lonely and whatever… but if I wanted her wrinkly-ass head in 80% of my pictures, I would’ve asked.”
While the woman’s identity remained a mystery, her fellow photo-ruiners offered their support. “I’m sure I’ve been in the background of a few wedding pictures myself—so personally, I wouldn’t criticize [the rubbernecker],” laughed Bea Gullickson, 71, as she edged around a Washington Square photo shoot. “It’s just so lovely, though, isn’t it? Just lovely.” For Markey, such guilelessness made the situation that much more maddening. “We spent $3000 for those goddamn pictures,” she said, shaking her head in dismay. “I mean, if you really love weddings? Just stay the fuck away from them.” |
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