Hundreds of Teeth to Attend Kid Rock/Lynyrd Skynyrd Show
August 19, 2008 –
Susquehanna Bank Center officials yesterday said that this Friday's Kid Rock/Lynyrd Skynyrd concert would likely draw thousands of fans–as well as hundreds of teeth. "It's not quite sold out yet, but the arena will still be full of leather vests and confederate-flag t-shirts," said special events manager John Bender. "So obviously, that'll translate into literally dozens of teeth, as well."
 Tooth owners throughout the region were looking forward to the union of southern-rock legends Lynyrd Skynyrd and rap-rocker Kid Rock. "It's gonna be a hot one, that's for damn sure," enthused Vineland's Rick Hopp, 31, the gaps in his teeth causing a slight whistle. "Nonea them fellas take no kinda shit from nobody!" Thad Cresson, 40, of Schuylkill Haven, agreed. "When I heard they was playin' together, I thought I'd 'bout died an' gone t' heaven," he grinned, revealing a half-full mouth. "Ho-lee fuckums!"
Bender, meanwhile, predicted that the venue would likely host more teeth on Friday than it did at Saturday's Toby Keith concert. "We definitely expect to see more [teeth] for Kid Rock than we did for Toby Keith," he said. "On Saturday, we saw probably three, four teeth for every fan." Nonetheless, Hopp, a proud owner of a whopping fourteen teeth, was more focused on the upcoming performance than his bicuspids, molars, and lone incisor. "Ooh, daddy, when Skynyrd plays 'Free Bird,' you won't be able t' keep the smile offa my face. And it's a goddamn purty smile, too."
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Stein Substituting Wacky Glasses For Booze, Pills, Coke
August 19, 2008 –
Erstwhile restaurateur Neil Stein yesterday revealed that he has replaced his well-chronicled addictions to alcohol and drugs with a new one: wacky vintage eyeglasses. "Oh, yeah, it'd be real nice to curl up with a dry martini and a few bumps," admitted Stein, 67, as he sat outside Rouge in a pair of Dame Edna-style eyeglasses. "But this new thing with the specs... it sort of diverts my attention a little bit."
 The flamboyant former owner of Rouge, Striped Bass, and Avenue B said that he has collected over 800 pairs of glasses since serving a 1-year prison sentence for tax evasion. "I've always liked weird glasses, but I never had more than a couple of pairs," he said, sipping impatiently on a club soda. "Now, it's like all I can think about. I'm thinking about it right now." He added that his new obsession would not keep him from pursuing new ventures. "I'm in talks with Carl Dranoff for a new place in South Philly, and I've got a few other things up my sleeve. There's more to life than retro eyeglasses, you know."
However, Stein's daughter, Maggie, was worried about her father's latest compulsion. "Some people, when they're trying to quit drinking or drugs, they replace it with food or exercise or something," she said worriedly. "But with dad, it's just 'glasses, glasses, glasses.' Now he's on eBay eight, nine hours a day. I almost wish he was snorting coke again." Stein, though, insisted that his new habit was harmless. "Oh, sure, it's definitely getting expensive," he laughed, adjusting the gigantic plastic frames as he chewed nervously on a straw. "But all it does in the end is make me look silly. And I'm kind of used to that by now."
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