Report: Good Seats Still Available For Bell Biv Devoe
May 19, 2009 –
Keswick Theatre representatives yesterday issued a stunning announcement: that there were still plenty of good seats available for Saturday’s Bell Biv Devoe concert. “After a thorough review of our records, we have found that the vast majority of tickets remain unsold,” said marketing manager Elizabeth Hess, speaking at a midmorning news conference outside the Glenside venue. “Incredibly, it appears that only 63 people want to hear a live version of ‘From the Back’.”
 Local analysts were shocked by the report, given the R&B group’s seeming timelessness. “Poison is one of the most enduring documents of the leather-pants-and-Gumby-cut era,” said Philadelphia Inquirer music critic Dan Deluca, invoking the band’s signature album, released five months before the first Gulf War. “Today’s announcement makes you wonder: would Snap, Roxette, or Technotronic also struggle to sell tickets?” Timothy Allen of PhillyMusic.com was similarly dumbfounded. “How could anyone miss a Bell Biv Devoe concert?” he asked rhetorically, clutching a worn cassette copy of 1993’s Hootie Mack. “It would be like missing the Stones, or U2, or Michel’le.”
Bell Biv Devoe impresario Michael Bivins, for his part, was unbowed by the troubling news. “I have no idea why those tickets aren’t selling,” he said from Atlanta, where the group is recording its first album since the Clinton years. “Maybe people are confusing us with Color Me Badd—it’s happened before.” Hess, meanwhile, used the power of song to express her concern. “The public must understand: situation is seriooooooooous,” she crooned, gyrating her hips to ‘Poison’s introductory lyrics. As gathered reporters smiled, awkwardly bobbing their heads, she added, “So let’s cure it—‘cause we’re running out of time.”
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Camden’s Aquarium Animals Swimming to Suburbs
May 19, 2009 –
Officials at Camden’s Adventure Aquarium yesterday expressed worry over an alarming recent trend: the increasing flight of the facility’s animals to nearby Collingswood, Moorestown, and Cherry Hill. “We’re concerned about what’s been happening, and we’re keeping a close eye on the situation,” said aquarium spokesperson Gina Sutcliffe, standing in front of a newly-empty porpoise tank. “It appears that regular feedings, state-of the art filtration, and minor-league baseball are not enough to keep our fish in Camden.”
 For two-year-old rainbow trout Harriet Wesley, swimming seven miles to the east was an easy decision. “I have nothing but good things to say about my time at the aquarium,” she bubbled from a Moorestown pond. “But in the end, I had to think about my spawn. Do I really want them swimming around in America’s second-most dangerous city?” Manta ray Jerry Gaither, 3, had similar words. “It’s just nicer here,” he gurgled, floating happily in a Collingswood stream. “I can go for a swim at night, and not have to worry about being harpooned.”
According to Sutcliffe, the aquarium was working feverishly to win back its wayward fish, mammals, and sea turtles. “We’re developing plans to increase daily feedings, expand tank sizes, and prohibit [visitors’] tapping on the glass, among other improvements,” she said, sounding a bit desperate. “We need to show our fish that, yes—Camden can be a wonderful place to live.” Wesley, however, seemed skeptical. “I can appreciate their anxiety, but I don’t think I’ll be going back,” she burbled, leaping in the shallow water. “Even if they do keep renovating the waterfront.”
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