Report: Pacitti Connected to Obama, Paramount, MLB
February 17, 2009 –
Just days after Mayfair native Joanna Pacitti was disqualified from American Idol for exploiting “a private relationship” with the show’s management company, an explosive FBI report alleged that the singer had used similar tactics to rise within the Obama Administration, Paramount Pictures, and the San Diego Padres. “Ms. Pacitti advanced to American Idol’s round of 36 solely because of personal connections—not her singing abilities, such as they were,” read the report, issued yesterday morning. “It now seems likely that her positions as deputy transportation secretary, second unit director, and backup catcher are also due to such ties.”
 Pacitti’s various colleagues were taken aback by the allegation. “I believed that she gained her position due to her knowledge of urban growth patterns—not because of any shady backroom dealings,” said Transportation Secretary Ray Lahood by telephone from Washington. “Now that I think of it, though, she really didn’t know what the hell she was doing.” Director Brett Ratner, on the set of Harbinger, had similar words. “Her camerawork was jittery and out-of-focus, but my producers insisted that she stay on,” he said, shrugging. “Now I know why. Just like with Idol, though, things are much better with her gone.”
The 24-year-old Pacitti, meanwhile, defended herself against the critical maelstrom. “I never attempted to exploit any relationships—whether I was singing, shooting, catching, or distributing federal transportation dollars,” she said in a statement. “At the very least, I hope to clear this up and be back with the Padres by opening day.” San Diego manager Bud Black, though, seemed unlikely to accept her back. “Now that I know Joanna was here ‘cause she was cozy with one of the office guys, there’s no way she’ll be back on my roster,” he said as his pitchers warmed up in Peoria, AZ. “Girl couldn’t catch a goddamn thing anyway.”
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Wingette Having Trouble Re-integrating
February 17, 2009 –
More than two weeks after Wing Bowl 17, friends and co-workers of Wingette Audrey Williams, 21, yesterday reported that the receptionist was having great difficulty re-integrating into society. “Audrey’s a real nice girl, but you can’t come into work in heels, fishnets, and a leather bra,” said Center City dentist Hal Tibbs, who hired Williams last fall. “And all the gyrating and screeching? Very distracting, to say the least.”
 Others close to the Wingette, who in January’s eating contest escorted Benny “The Mouth” Saville to the Wachovia Center stage, were likewise bewildered. “She’s never been the smartest, but ever since Wing Bowl, it’s like having a horny monkey around,” said hygienist Brenda Jacobus, 51, scowling as the scantily-clad secretary cheerfully humped a door jamb. “At least you can legally throw a monkey in a cage.” Williams’ sister, Greta, 26, reported a similar change. “Aud’s always been outgoing, but I think being in front of all those people [at Wing Bowl] sort of damaged her brain,” she said from her Hawthorne apartment. “And she really didn’t have a whole lot up there to begin with.”
Williams, meanwhile, offered a more positive assessment of her post-Wing Bowl mindset. “I don’t think anything’s really ‘different’ about me,” she giggled, shaking her breasts with both hands. “Although I have been a little chillier around the office. Is that what you mean?” Tibbs, for his part, seemed conflicted by the receptionist’s delicate state. “I have clients coming in, and the first thing they see is a half-naked girl pouring wing sauce on her breasts,” he said, watching as Williams spontaneously stood on her desk, thrust her hips, and cheered. “All the same, though, I’d be crazy to fire her.”
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