Schwartz Devastated by Forecast Error
February 10, 2009 –
Nearly one week after issuing a despondent video apology for underestimating last Tuesday’s snowstorm, coworkers of Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz yesterday reported that the meteorologist was still devastated by the error. “I’ve worked with Glenn for years, and I’ve never seen him like this,” said anchor Renee Chenault-Fattah. “He’s chain-smoking, he reeks of gin, and I’m pretty sure he’s popping Vicodin. Even his bowties are crooked.”
 Tim Lake shared a similar account. “Glenn’s usually in a great mood, but since last week, he’s like a whole new Hurricane,” said the anchor, visibly concerned. “On Friday, I said, ‘Hey, it happens to the best of ‘em’—and he just started crying and locked himself in his dressing room.” According to fellow weatherman Dave Warren, “Hurricane prides himself on the accuracy of his reports, so to him, a blown snowstorm is a pretty big deal. I just wish to Christ that he’d eat something.”
An unshaven, puffy-eyed Schwartz, meanwhile, seemed reluctant to speak publicly on the matter. “I… I got it wrong, okay?” he whispered through a crack in his dressing-room door, a stench of body odor, unbrushed teeth, and cigarette smoke wafting out. “I can’t stand it. Oh, God, I can’t stand it.” Chenault-Fattah, shaking her head as Schwartz slammed the door, worried that the situation was worsening. “You can tell he’s losing weight, and he hasn’t showered in days,” she said, pausing as she put an ear to the door. “Oh no. He’s crying again.”
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Jamie Foxx Scratches Ass
February 10, 2009 –
Citizens across Philadelphia were yesterday held rapt by the news that actor and singer Jamie Foxx, in town to shoot the film Law-Abiding Citizen, had on Sunday scratched his ass on a Walnut St. sidewalk. “I was walkin’ right behind him, and he kinda does this thing where he reaches up to pull the cheeks apart,” said a still-dumbstruck Chet Haskins, 41, of Northeast Philadelphia, demonstrating the maneuver on his own buttocks. “But you could tell, he was really scratchin’ it. Accourse, I contacted the media right away.”
 CBS3’s Stephanie Abrams, who later reported the thrilling event, could barely contain her excitement. “Ever since [Foxx] has been in Philly, it’s one big scoop after another,” she gushed. “I mean, he’s eating food, walking around, buying gum, scratching his ass… I just feel grateful to be able to cover it all.” Wyncote’s Tabitha Worthy, 30, seemed grateful to receive such astonishing news. “When Demi [Moore] and Ashton [Kutcher] were here last year, they did all sorts of stuff—but I don’t remember any ass-scratching,” she said, knitting her brow in deep concentration. “I think Demi might’ve farted, but that was about it.”
Foxx, meanwhile, was glad to offer Philadelphians a moment of proctological glamour. “Sure, you know, I scratch my ass, just like anybody else,” he laughed, lounging in a beige armchair in his 940-sq.-ft. Ritz-Carlton suite, sipping from a bottle of lemon-lime Perrier while snacking on a handful of cheddar cheese Goldfish, purchased Sunday at Wolf’s Market, shortly after brunching on half a grapefruit and a blueberry muffin at Parc. “Who knows—I might even pick my nose while I’m here, too.” Such a possibility was extraordinarily riveting to Worthy. “Y’know, I’ve always wondered if celebrities picked their noses,” she said. “I guess I’ll find out pretty soon—just gotta keep an eye on the news.”
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