Lionshead Rebus Baffles Local Drunk
January 13, 2009 –
Local drunk Stanley McIntyre yesterday admitted that his days-long quest to decipher a Lionshead bottlecap rebus was, incredibly, nowhere near completion. “This thing here, it’s—what the hell is it?” slurred the drunkard, 29, squinting blearily at the tiny puzzle in his West Philadelphia apartment. “You’re maple… maple-ink? ‘Mayplink’? Fuck!”
 Friends said that McIntyre’s usual struggles with the picture games, which have adorned the caps since 2005, were especially pronounced in this case. “It took me a couple of minutes to come up with it, but it wasn’t the Da Vinci Code or anything,” laughed Collin Kee, 32, who, with McIntyre, purchased a case of the beer on Friday evening. “It’s, ‘You’re leaving yourself wide open.’ I think Stan’s figured out the ‘elf’ part.” Gary Steinberg, 30, had similar words. “Me and Collin were watching the Sixers game—and Stan’s off in the corner, mumbling at the bottlecap. We tried to tell him what it was, but he wanted to figure it out himself. He’s still trying.”
A spokeswoman for the Scranton brewery expressed regret at McIntyre’s fruitless efforts. “The Lionshead rebus is intended as a momentary diversion; a bit of fun—so to hear the extent of Mr. McIntyre’s torment is deeply troubling,” she said in a statement. “We can only hope that he realizes that the last item is a pen—not a drilling implement of some kind.” Such words offered little solace to the soft-headed inebriate. “Look at those there, in the middle… are those screwdrivers?” he asked, nearly in tears. “‘Y’ plus ‘screw’ plus ‘elf’… ‘Yuscrewlf’? Is… is that even a word?”
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City Forced to Invent own Celebrities
January 13, 2009 –
Authorities yesterday expressed embarrassment over the emergence of Paparazziphilly.com—a service that, for a $1,000 fee, sends cameramen and videographers to document the mundane movements of ordinary Philadelphians. “I find it pathetic that our lack of authentic celebrities has created a void for this company to fill,” said Councilman Bill Green at an evening news conference. “To highlight the dreary lives of our most average residents only increases our shame.”
 According to Paparazziphilly.com founder Kenneth Dunning, such manufactured celebrity had become regrettably necessary. “When [Philadelphia’s] gossip columnists are telling us that Blythe Danner is in town, or what Danny Bonaduce had for lunch, you know things are bad,” he said from the firm’s Old City offices. “All we’re doing is bringing a little glamour to a place that, unfortunately, doesn’t really have any.” Company photographer Deliana Krasteva agreed. “Larry Mendte? John Bolaris? The Hooters? In New York or L.A., these people would be nobodies—but in Philly, they’re the cream of the crop. At least our nobodies know how insignificant they really are.”
30-year-old Gretchen Wybenga, who hired the company to follow her around Rittenhouse Square, simply hoped to bring the allure of more fame-filled places to Philadelphia. “Sure, there was an element of me wanting to feel more important than I actually am—but I also wanted to help the city,” she insisted. “And everywhere I went, people thought I was a star. We could all forget our tedious existences—at least for a moment.” Green, though, seemed troubled by the development. “In a city where a Joey Vento sighting is a big deal, certainly, we need all the help we can get,” he conceded. “But this play-acting is ultimately making a mockery of our situation. Not to mention a little pathetic.”
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