February 1, 1956: Grace Kelly to Not Wed East Falls Goombah

February 1, 1956: Grace Kelly to Not Wed East Falls Goombah
East Falls handyman and all-around goombah Bert Rizzoli was yesterday devastated by the news that actress and East Falls native Grace Kelly was to wed Monaco’s Prince Rainier III. “This is absolute bullshit, is what it basically comes down to,” lamented the flabby, unshaven Rizzoli, guzzling from a bottle of Schmidt’s on his rickety front porch. “Gracie was real sweet on me back in grade school—but, hey—I guess she’s got bigger fish to fry, eh?”

February 1, 1956: Grace Kelly to Not Wed East Falls Goombah

The 27-year-old alcoholic and Warriors enthusiast went on to catalog his dismay. “I haven’t talked to her since we was kids, but I thought we had a unnerstandin’,” said the goombah, growing mournful as he spoke of the Rear Window star. “We was s’posed to get married when we got older. What a lyin’ little tramp.” He added that the prince was no match for a man of his obvious caliber. “So you got a castle on a lake and servants and boats and whatnot,” he said, frowning with concentration as he scratched at his privates. “Me, I got a goddamn Philco inside, gets reception like you wouldn’t believe.”

A representative for Kelly, meanwhile, said the beloved film icon harbored no ill will towards Rizzoli. “While Grace doesn’t actually remember Mr. Rizzuto, per se, she wishes him all the best,” said Kelly’s business manager, Adam Finder. “She hopes that he can find true happiness—perhaps by courting Katherine Hepburn, or even Joan Fontaine.” Rizzoli, though, only had eyes for the soon-to-be princess. “Gracie was a nice neighborhood girl, and she went off to Hollywood, got her whaddyacallums… her priorities, all mixed up,” he scowled, farting robustly. “You watch, though. She’ll be back. She’ll be back.”