May 21, 1927: No Baker Bowl Deaths This Week

May 21, 1927: No Baker Bowl Deaths This Week
Phillies owner William Baker yesterday breathed an expansive sigh of relief, as the week closed with not a single death occurring within his rotting, catastrophe-prone Baker Bowl. “What happened last week was extremely unfortunate, to be sure,” he conceded, inspecting the wide section of bleachers that on Thursday collapsed, triggering a melee that caused the death of an elderly fan. “But since that fateful day, there’s not been one single ballpark-related fatality. It sets the mind at ease.”

May 21, 1927: No Baker Bowl Deaths This Week

Others within the organization were of a similar mind. “I was here for the fire of ’94 and the collapse of ’03—and Thursday’s could’ve been every bit as bad [as those],” nodded usher Melvin Wrightstone of 1894’s grandstand blaze and the 1903 disaster which killed 12 and injured hundreds. “But the last seven days have been a delight. Not a single mangled corpse to haul away.” According to utilityman Bernie Friberg, “It’s a real distraction when you’re on base or at the plate, and a part of the ballpark breaks off,” he said. “All those screams can really throw off a man’s timing.”

Mayor Harry Mackey, meanwhile, offered a harsh prognosis of the decrepit structure. “This place is a liability and a stain on the city,” he huffed, strolling the perimeter of the crumbling stadium. “For cripe’s sake, they use a flock of sheep to trim the grass in there! Were it up to me, the whole thing would be demolished—perhaps with those bumbling Phillies still inside.” Baker, however, felt that better days were ahead for his eponymous park. “Look at these stanchions—there’s very little visible termite damage,” he said, flaking off a small hunk of timber. “And you see how those support beams are tilting? Why, I’d wager they won’t fall for another two years—maybe three!”