February 5, 2008: Street Drunks Excited For LCB’s New Wine Expert
Philadelphia's community of filthy, rotgut-swilling street drunks was thrilled to learn yesterday that the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board had hired the Four Seasons' Melissa Monosoff as its new sommelier. "My momma, she said, I dunno? Where'd you go, momma?" slurred Jerry Gentry, 53, as he staggered out of the LCB's Frankford Ave. store, hastily choking down his newly-purchased fifth of Old Grand-Dad. "Shaddap birds! Oh momma, I'll kill the birds, I'll eat the birds!" Juan Pascos, 44, was similarly excited to learn of the fine-wine expert's hiring. "She was walkin' around and they were like all over me, the bugs, they were all over me," he croaked, vomiting into the gutter on the 200 block of S. Juniper St. as he clutched a greasy paper bag. "What the hell... who said those things what the?"
 Along with Philadelphia's appalling, fetid public souses, the city's oenophiles are likewise hailing Monosoff's addition. "When [former LCB chairman] Jonathan Newman resigned, the board lost his passion for hard-to-find chardonnays and bold malbecs," said local wine educator Edgar Paulenty, 71. "But Ms. Monosoff's zeal for the grape is simply unparalleled." Philadelphia Inquirer food critic Craig LaBan was also hopeful. "Since Newman's departure, the quality of wines in Philadelphia has fallen quite precipitously," he said. "But [Monosoff's] appointment represents a new commitment by the board to bring us exotic, flavorful vintages."
Vance Quinn, 45, agreed that a better selection of boutique whites, reds--and perhaps even ports and sherries--would be a boon to the city's wine lovers. "Oh Jesus, make it end," he groaned, slumped in the grass in FDR park as he raised a bottle of cheap gin to his lips. "Oh God that's good stuff. That's good stuff." Wallace Cowrey, 39, begging for change outside the LCB store on Chestnut Street, added that a fresh infusion of Italian varietals was just what the city needed. "Who wants a rat is who the thing was," he mumbled, banging his head softly against the store's glass window. "Just a little bit of that rat they go?" |
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